bagua's Blog

I've noticed that lately I've been less affected by failure.

I've not as hard on myself and I don't care what others think as much.
Instead I've started to view it as feedback and a way of showing me what area that needs
to be worked on next.

I take this as a sign of improvement of my general mental state.
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So I have been following a certain type of plan.

Good body language and being more outgoing basically.

Long story short I got asked by a pretty girl to go do some stuff.
I then started an automated falling in love/chrushing program
over a couple of days resulting in me getting a adrenaline kick
when we met because of the percieved pressure.

I managed to do damage control so that it wasn't terrible.
But the wibe got really screwed up cause she picked up my state.

Anyway this begs the question.
How to never do that again?

Maybe an attitude of ZERO expectations are best?
But then it is really hard to have a gameplan...

Nomatter what I got brilliant feedback on where i stand on my emotionall balance.
I need to somehow get a better balance even when I'm under preassure.

Moving in the right direction is not all roses.
In fact it seems like the opposite is the case.
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Life is going on it's usual business.
Working, studying, eating, sleeping.

In between these habitual things I wake up and ask myself.

What do you want to accomplish today?

The answer that question is what currently gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Life would be a meaningless grind without it.

But I do want to accomplish something that day and as I set forth on the grind that is my beacon of hope.
The missons to be accomplished.
It is someting I want to do cause I want to do it! Nohing more nothing less.
So profound and so simple.
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I have gotten into several distinct problems.
I would never have belived I would have to deal with such issues.

But here I'm after the fact many experiences richer.

I've experienced female cattyness up close.
Been subject to stupid mindgames.
Been the subject of jealousy.
Intimidated women cause I eliminated weaknesses while keeping the over-compansation.
Been critized for being too honest.
Told to act differently in the name of convention.
Have guys shake and almost cry cause I was angry with them.
Have girls act all huffy over not being chosen after talking to them.
Having more opportunity than I can handle and facing the fact that it is all up to me who gets lucky.
etc etc...

Thing is no matter what happens I will get new sets of problems in my life.
So I need to accept that my life will never be perfect or problemfree no matter what results I get.
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I mentioned earlier that I have started mediating when I feel pissed of to dissipate it.

Today I found out that doing a shorthand version of that when I contemplate to
talk to a women calm me enough that I manage to approach when I felt nervous and not wanting to.
This is great progress!

I have also started to read a book called "The games people play".
Fasinating and very useful knowledge about how we humans treat almost everything as a game on some level.

I have already put it to good use and fixed a major insecurity I had about what to say.
Cause now all I have to do is identify what games are being played and if
I'm playing along or not.

Exactly what benefits I get remains to be seen, but this is a very good tool for me.
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I got this advice from Laaavish to do mediation and reframing.
It works pretty well.

Every time I feel resentment or similar emotions build up
I sit down, close my eyes focses on as little as possible like an image in my mind
and breathes deeply in trough my nose and out trough my mouth several times.

Disipates the problems from my mind pretty quick.

Afterwards I tell myself that I don't really care about the behaviour in question since it is really
their issue not mine. And me getting upset over them having an issue is pretty stupid.

At first I thought that doing this every time I had a bad emotion over stuff like that would be impractical,
but actually it saves me time. Since I sure as hell would waste more time being pissed than the couple
of minutes it takes to disipate it.

You are a real lifesaver Laaavish!
I have a very huge stressor in my life right now that threatened to derail me bigtime.
Now I'm back on track and issues like these will soon become a distant memory! =D
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Revieving my latest posts I see a tendency of three things.

I'm in analysis mode.
I'm on top of a cloud.
Or I'm down in the pits of agony wrestling with my base emotions.

I'm acting slightly bi-polar.
Going to a emotional top only to crash down again moments later.
I need to take more time to deal with my emotions, since they clearly run this show.
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Underneat it all i still carry a lot of bitterness, anger and hate toward women.

Every time I try to deal with my sexual hangups I run into a wall of bitterness.
Women pick up on this, even online!

I had this exhange on an online dating site (free) with a women.
I started out with trying to bring up sexual topics in my first message.
She responded with "Good luck with that!"
I sent a response that I meant to be funny.
She responded with "you sound bitter".
So I told her "Yes you are right I'm bitter."
No need hiding the fact.
This is my biggest sticking point.
Might as well be open about it and deal with it as a man.

If I wasn't bitter with what else I know now from RSD and similar stuff, I would not have any problems.
It would just be abundence and glory.

But the bitterness is in the way.
It is my bodys way of telling me that it expects massive pain from the path I'm on and have the shields
to maximum.
In fact it is trying to trigger the pain so we can be done with it and move on.
If I'm going to experience pain I might as well have it now while I expect it rather than later when my guard is down.

My subconscious is drawing up painful rejection scenarioes based on real experience.
I've been rejected in brutal ways before.
In addition I have my religious baggage. Making me second guess the rightness of my actions.

I'm not writing this as an exuse, but trying to clarify where I'm coming from so I can deal with it somehow.
Cause my experience is that either I display my bitterness for all to see and make women RUN!
Or I hide it and make myself hesitate and women to not trust me since I'm obviously hiding something.

I wish I had a way to overcome it in someway cause it makes me a very toxic person.
I enter "how to overcome bitterness" into google and I get lots CHRISTIAN websites!!!
Like I would ever take advice from them again...

I found a website on Bhagavad Gita.
“Raise yourself by yourself; don’t let yourself down,  for you alone are your own friend, and you alone are your own enemy.”

“One becomes one’s own friend when one has conquered oneself; but
to the unconquered self, he or she is inimical, (and becomes) like (an
external) enemy.”

That is interesting!
I'm my own worst enemy in this it seems.

"No body can make us bitter. It is we who build the wall of bitterness.
If we mind, it is possible to break the wall and get rid of all
bitterness""Always complaining against others is a very poor attitude and it leads to further resentment."

"In this mortal life afflictions come to all of us, because of
unavoidable circumstances or because of our past karmas. We are not able
to change them, but we can choose to bear them bravely without blaming
others, without tit for tat attitude, accepting life’s ups and downs
indifferently without grumbling. Practicing this sort of attitude gives
us inner strength to live with dignity."

This is great advice! I'm not buying the whole package of that religion spirit, karma etc, but they sure have the bitterness thing figured out!

"Our power to endure suffering is tested only when we face life alone.
Our grit, and our courage and our inner strength will show up only when
we face life alone. Ultimately, in the life-journey, it is a journey of
the alone to Alone.
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When I go down the street now, I've discovered this thing I call heaven mode.

I imagine that this is heaven and only good things can happen to me.
Then I relax and enjoy my walk.

Women notice!!! They go gaga...
One even FOLLOWED ME INTO A STORE just because I looked at her body!!
(It was obvious that she went out of her way to follow me btw!)

I can only do it for so long before my brain melts and I need to gather myself from all the crazy IOIs
women throw at me walking past me.

This is a new reality that I'm unsure if I can handle.
My subconcious is revolting...
I myself are dumbfounded...
I'm not able to follow trough on any of this since I have a hard time accepting it to be real.
It is a complete anti-thesis of what I belived the world to be up to now.

Be careful what you wish for you just might get it... XD
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So after being a short while in make belive heaven...
I now have a completely new set of problems in my life.

Liefe goes on and you have to deal with your new reality.
Sometimes it goes well and sometimes it does not go so well.

Sometime you fall back into old patterns, and a mix of old and new patterns
seems to suck more than just the old ones.
Cause now people don't trust you.
You seem to not be genuine. And that sucks.

The only cure is to stop worrying what other people think and just do your own thing regardless.
Disregard all their little attitudes and stuff and they will melt away.

Easier said than done, but there you have it.
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