bagua's Blog

My insecurity is based on fear about what others think about me and what they may do if I act certain ways.
It would have made sense in many settings in other societies.
But in this society I live in now it is totally stupid ideas that is not helping me avoid anything real.
Mabe some people will gossip, some may even insult me.
But that is it...
And in the odd occation that someone would attack me I'm an martial artist.
And the law is on my side, self-defence and all that.
This society violence is unusual unless you seek it out at night.
Yet my mind is playing tricks on me telling me that I should be careful and other stupid ideas.
Sure I can get into trouble if I take it far enough, but what is keeping me back is far within the envelope
of actions that this society by law permit me to do.
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Today I did good!

I've been a little bit in limbo over this one girl.
Having to fight of chode mode while I battle logistics and stay on track with
the rest of my life.

And today I got her to agree to meet me for coffe on friday.
Asking girls for coffe isn't a big deal.
But the way I did it was excellent.!

I had a good relaxed state, bodylanguage, voice tone etc was all covered.
My old patterns are trying weakly to screw it up, but his time they can go fuck themself!

What I need to do now is continue with the momentum I've given myself.
Since I've gotten aquainted with Myers Briggs I've gotten very good at spotting people who
have the same focus as me.
People who appreciate what I have to bring to the table as a person.

And this girl is like that! Fasinated by the same things I like.
So with a little RSD magic spice thrown into the mix she likes me very much.

So all I need now  is to be myself in the area of interests and not confuce my old chode patterns with myself
as they are two separate things.
My hobbies and interests does not equate being a chode.

What I need to do know is plan for the coffe and be nonattached to the outcome.
Whatever happens this is already a win due to the way it got started.
Everything after thisis pure bonus.
I will of course strive to get as much bonus as possible! =D
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Ok it isn't all that bad...
But I'm feeling frustrated by the fact that I see some of the early patterns of the shit that has
brought me down before is repeating itself.

That is actually positive! Being able to see that I'm on the wrong course.
But the feeling of pressure is there making me want to do something
other of what is the right thing.

I've been trough alot of shit and unfamiliar situations lately.
Add that with being expected to do the right thing in every situation and guess what.
Something is going to pop figuratively.

What I'm feeling is insecurity actually.
And right now I'm feeling very insecure like all that I've done up to now has been for nothing.
That is quite absurd...but never the less what I feel.

It feels good to calm myself here.
To rant in the one place where it won't backfire on me.
2 Comments | 688 Views
I've taken to expand in several areas of my life.
Push my comfort zone and talk to more people in new and unexpected ways.

What I find is that I have much to give to the world and the only thing that is holding me
back is my own percieved limitations.

It is so weird knowing that I could litterally do ANYTHING!
(Within realistic limits like speed of light and such)

However I find that I hesitate or "forget" to push forward.
It is so weird that all it takes is to collect my focus and try again and again until success.

Oh well good night!
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Bah this day has been stupid.

Lost my facebook since i participated in a Norwegian political debate on an online newspaper.

Every time i posted via face they asked are you sure you want to trust this site?

And before you know it my facebook was shut down with a DEMAND that I enter my phone number to identify myself. Fuck that shit! Didn't you guys say be careful with your privacy? Well giving my phone number is not my definition of being careful with privacy...

So now my face is gone. Luckily I've predicted this day and have two additional face accounts and a google+.
Still sucks though knowing that it is only a question of time before the demand is fronted to my other facebooks
and in the end on the google+ too probably.

ANYWAY... Just had to vent my frustration...

Now on a plus-note I've hit it of pretty well with a girl in my math-class that is both good looking
and intelligent. I don't know where that will lead, but it sure is nice to have progress in this area.
I'm dealing with the specific problems that have haunted me my whole life and finally seem to be able to handle!!!
The wilingness to not being embarrassed over wanting someone sexually.
That is what it comes down to really.
I've been conditioned to feel shame and worry every time I want a woman in that way.
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After having read some Plato on the subway I realized that the only reason I read stuff like that
is that I deep down hope to use it to gain influence in some way.

Either by outsmarting others or getting them to admire my intelligence.
Why else would I do it if not for the promise of power.
It feels so weird knowing that I have gotten more effective tools from you guys on that
area, but still I have this intellectual draw towards stuff like that.

On a sidenote I chatted up a girl on the subway I recogniced from another context earlier.
That is something I don't think I would have done before not in the way it happened.
Earlier I would have thought about it and been should I, shouldn't I and then the opportunity
would have been over or it would have been massively creepy.

It left me with a good feeling!

Anyway besides from all the reading and stuff this weekend is supposed to have summer temperatures.
We will have to see if I can get myself out and about away from homework...
Cause the school I go to gives me a lot of it!

I'm rambling and I'm really ready for bed.
So good night to you RSDers whatever you may be up to.
The over analyzing me is signing off.
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After ranting about the dominance issue I have realized that it isn't so much
dominance as it is the conflicted feeling I often get when people view me
as dominant that I resent.

How to delete that feeling?

Probably be more dominant and start making positive connections too it.
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This post is about not be ashamed and hide the facts of my life.

I havn't been out all that much lately.

Reason cause it got too much for me to handle at one point.

I havn't been approaching all that much either allthough I've been doing some daygame
a couple of months ago and still do a couple of approaches now and then.

In the external world not to much have been going on.
I have started a new school and have talked to a lot of new girls.
It helps me a lot, but I feel stuck still.

It is as if no matter what I do I have to break trough a forcefield of not being successfull in the past.
I have dealt with several inner issues that held me back severely.

I get reminded of two central things Alex told me on bootcamp.
I don't have enough empathy and I approach appologetically.

Those are two things that I heard him say.
I didn't want to deal with them since I really didn't understand them.

I still don't really understand the issues.

All I know is that I'm going into the past of hiding my lack of successes and work
Pretending that if I work on some other related issues it will all suddenly click.

Now the things that I've focused on since bootcamp have helped me in many ways.
But they still havn't dealt with what I belive is my core issues.
Empathy and me being appolagetic.

However they seem so fricking opposite.
It seems like some zen mindtrick to both care less what people think and care about them at the same time.
Cause when I don't care lots of rensentful feelings start to arise.
And when I care I go straight into Mr chode mode.

I understand that techincally those two terms are compatible.
I still find myself unable to combine them.

However me being able to express this in writing is a step in the right direction I guess.
2 Comments | 433 Views
Being dominant gives me no pleasure.
I hate it or at least dislike it enourmously.

I was brought up to be nice and cordial.
Having to be assertive and uncaring about other peoples bullshit is hard.

I feel like I'm in a warzone under siege.

I get really bad dark thoughts every time I realize that someone is defering to me.
Cause I used a deeper voice or a more dominant stance or whatever.

Is this all there is to this?? a lot of posturing and growling.

The one with the deepest meanest snear wins?
This shit is disillusioning.

I realize that I should use humor to diffuse things.
But that only makes me more sad.

Cause then I make people laugh so they don't discover that they have been owned.
Laughter is then a way to disconnect the rational mind and give a dose of tranqualizers
so we don't feel the pain of loosing...

I hought I was disillutioned before...
At least I seem to be able to handle this view, but I don't like it one bit!!
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So I have these two hot girls as flatmates, they moved in this summer.

(For those that wonder I have decided to not shit where I eat, since I'm not that skilled at social manouvering)


After a couple of weeks they started making demands and stuff in regards to my behaviour in the common areas.
Before the demands where launched they acted pretty weird with a lot of door slammering
and avoidant passiv agressive behaviour.

I didn't really care as i figured if they had something they wanted to communicate they would have to do
it outside of the realm of telepathy.

So when the demands where forthcomming they where on some pretty common decency issues.
And in the form of a written note on my door.

So I was like Hmmm... now what...
I figured that the best thing I could do was agree to the demands with some conditions on my own.
So I told them that sure I could do that... provided the the weird mood in the appartment stopped
and if we had an issue communicated it clearly right away as I didn't have time for playing tags.
I told them that the main reason I would comply was as a gesture to them as neighbours.
(In other words not because they where demanding bitches.)

So it was quiet for a couple of weeks.

But then suddenly one of them came and wondered if she could run the cloathwasher over night
since she REALLY needed something cleaned to the next day.

I told her ok as long as she didn't make a habit of it.

And the next day(today) I reiterated it saying that it would have to be a ONE TIME THING
as it was way to inconvenient for me having it rumbling at night.
(She didn't like that very much I could tell)
It was like the wheels in her head was turning asking something like.
"He is attracted to me. Why does my "magic" smile not work for more than a one time thing!?!"

I wonder if I could make an exception saying that a nightwash cost one BJ! XD
0 Comments | 387 Views