bagua's Blog

And me floundering is my perception of my situation.
And that is weird...

So I'm like wtf!

If all this is in my mind, then all I need is new thoughts.
Now I need to leave the computer before I merge with it!
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I'm in a psychology discussion on another site that I started to handle the state of mind
I always find myself in when my state craches.
It touched on something intersesting that matches what we are told here.
The conclutio of several of the psychology participants was that I was
getting into cognitive loops and the reason was partly that I didn't have
enough contact with my senses.
Mostly relying on Intuition, thoughts or feelings to decide what to do, not what is happening
right before my very eyes.

So I will have to look up on what has been written/said here about getting out of your head.
This is a major milestone for me being able to blend the lessons of Jungian psychology
directly into my struggles in this area.

I probably have long ways to go, but I need to start somewhere and this makes some sense.

I've also spelled out some of my longterm goals to keep me on track for the long haul.

In a nutshell they are
Get my own place to live. (privacy)
Become a man that naturally gets what he wants in terms of women.
Getting a drivers licence.
Passing my exams.
Taking care of my company that have been floundering a bit.

Nothing real dramatic, however the women part goal I have made real detailed and will
probably work on some more to get a real good direction to wallk in.

Anyways I think that I have a good thing going here.
The girl I was hoping to meet hasn't panned out the way I hoped, but I learned so many good
lessons from it so it was totally worth it, even if it doesn't materialice.

Now I've heading out to do some street work! :-)
2 Comments | 468 Views
I've been a bitch!
Some chicks had me do shit without compensation since they objected to my behavior.
This was several months ago.
I've done it all along.
But today I told them, I'm trough!
I don't care to do this anymore.

They where shocked and wanted to talk about it.
I said "I don't want to do that anymore." and ended the conversation.

They thought they owned me like a bitch.
Now I'm free of the shame of being made a bitch!
I didn't dare to discuss it on this blog since I feared the.
You are a comments.
The irony! XD
I fear the people who where supposed to be my support in this struggle.

Every little step I take away from my old behavior is a victory!
Now I don't have to feel that I'm owned by them anymore.
It is weird how we try to ignore the issues closest to us and focus on irrelevant issues that are far away.
Like reading the newspaper and ranting about how world leaders are incompetent.
When we are just as incompetent in our own lives.
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Life is a rollercoaster.
You never know quite how you will end up emotionally.

Right now a number of factors are going down at the same time.
My emotional stability is in serious jeopardy.

I know that whatever happens I will come out stronger since I've pushed beyond my comfort
zone in a number of areas.
However It does not feel good...
Not good at all.
People are giving me shit ot test me.

I feel like lashing out. To strike back. I think it may be an overreaction to strike. (Not in a physical sense)
I only want respect, but all I see are fear.

People who fear my change in behaviour, and tries to rein me back in with manipulative behaviour
mixed signals, lies and weird actions.

I have no idea what way to turn so I'm ranting here!
Ranting about my stomach turning cause because of uneasiness.

Feeling scared and angry in turn.
Thinking that maybe I have made a mistake and doom is comming.
Jung had an interesting name for the trouble I've going trough now
he called it a cognitive loop.
It is an interesting concept that have helped me take more control of what I'm struggling with.
Instead of being incapacitated for hours all I need are some blog, self help forum to rant on to
externalice my stuggles.

Blogging is very mantally healthy I have found!
Oh well feel much better and are able to think clearly again.
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Alex said to me on bootcamp!

You got to be able to jive with the girls reality. (or something to that effect)

Tyler said you have to own who you are!

Yesterday I wrote up a very honest profile about how I was a Nerd with a big N,
how I liked psychology and on and on.

Anyway I found this girls profile that had done some weird coloring to her photos!
I wrote something about it hitting me unconciously and that she probably represented
some repressed archtype.
She responded with "Wow what a pickupline!" and that she liked my profile.
That she was into psykology and so on.

She is bisexual too btw I have no idea how that fits into the larger picture and I don't care.
By being myself I can't go wrong.
I just have to be me plus any nifty RSD tricks that I can blame on psychology.
Cause RSD is in a way some sort of applied psychology.
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Lately I have had some major breaktroughs in Jungian psychology and the understanding
of how I relate to others.
I have gotten more stable due to having put in some major effort in fixing a cognitive imbalance
I had developed as a defence mechanism.
This was responsible for many of the behaviors that I've ranted at length about in this forum.

After reflecting on it, it is clear to me that I relate most to Tyler's approach.
Alex has many helpful hints, but since implementing empathy has proved elusive
and Jungian psychology offering me som clues to why that is
I have decided to put that aside for now.

Alex has much great advice and I respect him much, but that piece of advice doesn't
compute right now so I will revisit later.

One thing Tyler said was, be who you are!
That has started to make more sense lately and I have started to proudly proclaim being a Nerd!
People are dumbfounded. They don't know what to say since I'm not weak about it.

I still get into lots of confusing situations, but I've noticed that it doesn't bother me as it used to.

I've also have started a cleanup project with my family and friends where I'm working on
moving the interactions in a more healthy and understanding way in line with what I've
learned from my protracted studies of jung.

I've glad I've been able to take these steps.

The advice Alex provided last time about center of gravity over the hip has turned out great
for me. I feel more in control and I notice that people respect my precence more.
0 Comments | 349 Views
I'm not a very emotionally expressive person.
After having dealt with several core issues this is coming up as a major target.

I kinda know what to do and have sometimes done it.
It is not a habit by a longshot and I have been reinforcing the trend rather than
moving in the right direction.

I probably come of very cold to other people.
I have a tendency to not want to involve myself too deeply with someone.
Rather hang back and observe and analyze from a distance.

I've noticed that I have a hard time admitting to myself what my problems are.
They have partly developed as protective measures against other guys who have
tooled me in the past.

That is another thing that I have issues with.
Tooling people.
Having been ridiculed and stepped on by others it is very hard for me to do it with others
as I know how it feels.

But back to the emotions.
It is almost as I'm hiding them cause I'm afraid they will be abused again.

When I notice that a woman likes me very much I get tense.
I usually scare her away or ignore her depending on the mood.
Now this isn't to say that I havn't made improvements in this area lately.

I've just been reluctant to share many of my real issues because I deep down wanted to
protect a false image of myself. (See one of my earlier posts)

When I don't know a girl and approach it can go really well.
However the more I have invested in the girl the more tense I become.
I have tried some methods of relaxation and one worked really well except that my
relaxed state pulled the girl in even faster, making me uncomfortable with the
fast escalation and getting me tense again.

This isn't a attempt to say oh poor me!
Cause this is me getting outside my comfortzone and I should just do it more.
This is me trying to givea more accurate picture of where I'm at right now.

It has to do with tension, fear of intimacy, escalating faster than I'm comfortable with.
It is important to note that it is the social implications/feedback that I'm not comfortable with.
If I had an anonymous girl in a room to escalate it would not be a fear of the touching
and intimacy per see, but the feedback and reactions of other people around me.

Even if it is logically not any concequences my mind makes them up and it feels like there are.

It helps me get a better perspective writing this down.
I now know a bit more about what my situation.
Spelling things out on this blog changes how I view the whole thing.

Without having this outlet where I'm not blasted for trying to make sense of this part of
my life I would probably been in deep shit right now.

I loved Alex video on the upperbody movement and center of gravity in hip video.
It made s much sense to me. I've been doing it ever since.
I notice that women notice my bodylanguage, however I seldom do anything with it.
Yeah all these women want me and I don't do shit most of the time.

Well... proves how right it was of me to smash that glorified image of me and women.
I need to accept where I'm at and handle the real issues that are in front of me.
Not some made up "look how cool goals" to impress random dudes on this site.

Every time I get comments on my blog I feel this pressure to pretend that I'm doing better
than I'm infact doing.
This makes me feel like a fake and it kinda kills my performance, since now I don't
only have to deal with my real problems, but I have to live up to this grand image
that is way out of reach.
That doesn't help me at all.
It is however my own fault for being too much of a to tell it like it is.
Nobody else have a clue what is going on in my life.
So me not reporting all my issues in my blog only further prompts people to help
me build a situation where I have to hide my real issues even more...

It started with really small things, and it isn't like I'm lying or anything.
Only that I have a hard time writing all that troubles me in this area.
Cause what will people think of me then?
Well who gives a fuck what they think!
I'm here to straighten things out and could care less if I feel and seem a bit uncool in the process.

So back to the issue at hand.
My emotinal exresiveness and my fear of other people reactions to me flirting and getting closer to girls.
It really is as simple as that.
It probably involves me diving into unchartered situations and making an ass out of myself.
It invoves me getting uncomfortable, facing my fears, dropping the serious face and probably more
that I can't put my finger on right now.

This post became a bit long.
The words just flowed from my fingers.
A big improvment is that I didn't feel any anger when I wrote it.
I neighter felt sad either, it was just a resolve to get past the hiding this issue
from myself and anyone who would happen to read it.

I think that is all for now.
3 Comments | 1,932 Views
I've been moving forward lately.

Focusing on real problems and not imaginary ones.

My habits are my main concern.

The most vicious are:

Sugar habits, Porn habits, Computer habits ,Thouht reading habit and Projection habits.
(Thought reading is worrying about what others are thinking)
(Projection is imagining things happening in the future based on my actions good or bad)

What do I mean by this?

These are strong forces that influence my life when my conciousness is not in control.

If I can surpass these I will be far ahead of the game.
My experience is that each of these alone can be controlled,
however if I try to do all one or more will break.

I have however cut back on these quite a lot and my life is better for it.
I notice that the strengths I aquire in handling this spills over into other areas.

I need dicipline to do this stuff.
One thing that I've noticed is that when I do the stuff I'm committed to stop.
The voice of the concious is protesting!
It has somehow been robbed of energy and is soon silenced by an rationalization.

The key is to get the conciousness to rally in weak moments and seize the energy and momentum
needed to "do the right thing",

Things are moving in the right direction as long as I don't pretend that my errors and problems
is anything else than what they are in reality.
It is so easy to decive oneself and not get anything done, when all you need is that little spark of
concious energy to stay the tide of stagnation.
0 Comments | 428 Views
It is so weird that I should feel this way, but only lately I've been able to verbalize it after working
on some of my emotional issues in some other "growth" forum.

I have these perfectionistic tendencies.
I read about stuff here on RSD nation, and if I don't apply everything I've written I feel
like I've let myself down on some level.

It is of course totally unresonable that I should be able to implement everything that Tyler, Alex, Jeffy etc
says on this site and other places.
But still I feel insufficient.
I become paralyzed and avoid going out.
Only dabbling in this area here and there.

It is a shame, but from my perspective when the pressure become to great I retreat.
Now that isn't to say that I havn't gotten anywhere, but the idolized super pickup artist
that pulls every night and can handle any social situation is not realistic with
the pace I've been keeping so far.

The reason I'm writing this is to get the burden of pretence of my shoulders.
I'm not a pickup artist!
I'm not a player!
I'm not a ladies man!

So what am I then?
I'm a person coming here to reflect on the area of life called meeting women.
And all the aspects surrounding it.
I find great advice from people like Tyler, Alex and Jeffy ++ who have much experience in this area.

It is very liberating to shed some of these labels and not have to pretend that there is this
gloryfied image that I need to be perfect up against.
Other people might need the glorified image.
Maybe they are not perfectionistic and can be motivated by a stereotype.

For me?
It is holding me back from acting. So I drop it.
0 Comments | 494 Views
I've realized lately that what I've been doing all this time can be boiled down expanding my sphere of influence.

If I work on my body language, voice tone, approaching, work, familiy, health or any other area in my life
I'm actually expanding my life to be bigger in some way.
People have different influence strategies, some socialize, some make money, some use force and others horde knowledge etc.

It seems to me that people don't like others that have a too different strategi from oneself.
Especially if they get much better results than you could hope to get with your own strategy.

Whatever strategy you use, often what keeps you back is your fear of success.
So you don't expand with the tools available to you, but stay in mediocrity.
Any strategy might succeed given the right environment.
Since you are placed in an environment that is not of your choice you have to adapt your strategy to it.

Today I've expanded quite alot in some areas of my life and that is what prompted this post.
I saw a things from a more global perspective.
0 Comments | 379 Views