bagua's Blog

So I had some success this weekend in being myself.
Just acting like myself and being honest about who I've discovered I am
in MBTI and the Enneagram.
And it works like a wildfire. Chatted up this girl on the train,
had women trying to talk to me on a christmas party.
I'm just letting my inner sensitive guy out.

What did you say? Sensitive????
Isn't sensitive = chode?
Not at all! You see I'm an ISFP.
I'm naturally in tune with people and feelings.
The reason I was so messed up was because I suppressed it for
the macho image that was impossible for me to reach.
That was my chode...
Now being sensitive doesn't mean being a chode.
Cause just because I'm in tune with the moment and the feelings
doesn't mean that I have to act clingy and stuff.

I now screen girls based on the Myers Briggs.
I tell like SJ girls that we would never get along as I'm to
irresponsible for them. NTs I tell that I'm too shallow for them
and NFs that I'm to morally corrupt. The SPs I kinda jive well
with anyway so I just vibe in the moment.
Especially SFPs.

The devil is in the details and it is a lot more in my new way of doing this. But MBTI isn't enough on it's own. If I didn't have RSD I would
have used my newfound sensitivity to others to go UBERCHODE. XD
Thankfully I don't have to go there. =D
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(This turns in to a well needed rant, advice is not wanted as I know what to do, just wanna rant on the subjects)

So now that I'm on my feet somewhat I need some goals of some sort in this area.

From previous op and downs I've noticed that I've had a tendency to try to swallow over too much
at once leaving me demotivated and apathic sitting in front of my computer doing nothing.

So I shouldn't set to many goals at once, but rather give myself a few well reasoned goals seem
attainable and believable. To myself.

I would probably need some new friends as the ones I have now don't exactly help me forward.
More like dead weight around my feet.
I seem to construct these codependency relationships when I get unhealty.

I've practiced setting boundaries lately, letting certain people know that I won't deal with certain stuff.
If they find my new stance on the matter hard they can just stop contacting me.
Their problem isn't my responsibility. I see that clearly now, but earlier it wasn't so clear to me.
I was like some god damn Jedi knight out to save the galaxy and all the takers lined up to rob me of energy.

I'm going to start a new job soon and will probably get fresh impulses there.
And I'm getting to know a person that seems cool that live near me on some forum.
So I guess that is a start.

A reboot with all the baggage from earlier relationships not entering would suit me just fine right now.
As things stand now I can only say I know three people I really look up too.
All the others are people who crossed my path and who projected friendships onto me.
Very unhealthy people to be around for sure, sap the energy right from the soul.
Two of them are married, him I knew before the marriage and afterwards they have been a drag on my life.
She is nothing but trouble and seem bent on making life miserable in sublte little ways for everyone.
I think their marriage is the most I'll conceived thing I've ever seen.
They marriaged this summer and already there is resentment.
Since I hung out with him a lot before, I've kinda lingered longer than I've wanted and now
I find myself in an bad mix.

So I've made boundaries, that isn't something I'm very skilled at, but I get better.
My last boundary I think made her pissed.
I told her to stop making me outlandish proposals over sms.
She has a very religous and not very grounded view of life, and thinks that all that is needed is air and love
and Jesus will see us trough whatever I'll conceived idea she has.
And she want others to join in on it. So I told her that I didn't want anymore of those things raining in over sms.
She asked what I'd do if she continued regardless.
I told her I would simply block her number if she didn't have the decency to respect my request.
She didn't like that and I havn't heard from her since.

To me she is very manipulative and meddling, but I always have given people way too many chances.
I should have seen the signs before they got married and ejected then.
But I didn't and now I'm here and have to learn how to set better boundaries.
Still I can't bring myself to tell them to sod of.
I feel it would be more painful to me than them. So I'll just deny some "favours" that they enjoy at
my expence and let the takers move on once they figure I hold no value to them.
They certainly hold none to me right now. Most of the people they introduced me to have been more
dysfunctional than them on some levels. When they invite me over for some treat it is not a very
plesant atmosphere. I know what the problem is psychologically and the gap is not something
that can be fixed in anyway. So I rant here about it. This seem to be the only place where
any critisism isn't about how cruel I'm to view them this way, but rather how I'm such a to have the
problem in the first place.

Hehehe ah the irony. Anyway...
I kinda see a new path ahead. I need 1-3 new male friends that seem cool to me.
People that actually give value to my life instead of take it.
I know two of those, only one of them I see on a semi regular basis.
But having a goal is good.
That and ramping up the boundaries on the dysfunctional people around me.

Okay that is enough for now I have a direction and that is good enough for me.
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This post is about how I percieve the RSD crew from my subjective perspective.
How well I relate or don't to their approach and the reasons why.

Now Tyler I resonate with a lot. If not I wouldn't have came to RSD in the first place.
His break-down of the world is very factual and intuitive. He infers how all this functions
and what pieces goes together and the how and why.

Problems with Tylers approach for me is that it is easy to get stuck in my head when I listen to him.
His perspectives bring me into a sort of detached dream world, where I'm unable to do anything else
than be like wow this is deep stuff. The reason is no fault of Tyler, but just a psychological weakness in myself.

I resonate with Alex on one level, and on another I find it hard to relate. I resonate with his free spirit.
I can totally see what he is driving at with his "do what you want" approach.

I can't relate with Alex issues with the established. I don't have the same give a fuck attitude that he
has toward authority/structure/tradition and I know I couldn't develop it if I tried.

I like Jeffy, we see eye to eye in a way. Still Jeffy is faaaaaaaaaaaaar up that road not taken.
And I feel sometimes that catching up seems like a pipe dream. Still Jeffys ideas are the ones
that isolated I can see myself using. I can never get to Jeffys level, but I can totally see how his general attitude
works and I feel kinda drawn towards going down that path.

The anti perfectionism of ozzie is a very good one, and I know I could loosen up my standards of action for sure.
I've been very perfectionistic at times and even though I've managed to loosen up a bit I still have many issues with
it. Dunno if I have any specific issues with Ozzie. Maybe I need to watch more of him to tell.

Drama. OMG... I hate drama. His approach seem like some version of hell.
To me what he is doing is stuff that I wouldn't bring myself to do ever.
I can see why it works for him, and I can see why it wouldn't ever work for me.

I dunno about Brad. He seem like some reformed conservative to me.
His advice rubs me the wrong way on some level. Like he has this vibe to him that puts me off.
Now what he says is good stuff, but they way he says it makes me wanna disregard it on a subconcious level.
So he is definately not for me.

Hmm havnt' watched him at all actually...
Quick watch... Hmm I actually like Todds way of putting things. Very real and to the point about what
works and why, and why advanced stuff is a problem for newbies. I need to se more of him.

Hmm glad I had this post with myself.
Seems like I need to do alot of Jeffie, some Tyler, some Todd and a little dash of Alex in the future.
If you take issue with me doing this you can go to hell, and give my regards to the devil while you are there. }:-D
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Just remembered that this thing still existed.
I've been busy finding my own way in life.

The details I don't care to give since I know that half the people frequenting this place
are psychologically incapable of getting what it means in the first place.
In other words they are a bunch of judgmental asses bent on pushing others down.

Now that may get them laid, but it also ensures that I don't want them hanging around my block.

So what have I done lately.
Well I've delved into Jung quite a lot, from the perspective of Tyler of finding your own
strengths and leveraging them. And after a good while of painful "soulsearching" I've found
what I'm good at and how it relates to this "game" or whatever you wanna call it.

I won't go into the details on my particular issues and stuff as I know there are so many asses out there.

Still what I've found from picking myself apart with Jungian cognitive functions is what area of the
social world I fit into and if I keep making value in stuff that is easy for me girls that are naturally
my fit will naturally dig me. Now I would never have made the connections I did from Jung if I hadn't
had the RSD perspective. Cause I've interacted with dozens of people on the web now who uses
Jung to rationalize why they need to cling to their chode identity.

I've gone the other way around and identified how the chode identity is a bunch of beliefs that
make a person act like a regardless of cognitive perspective. Still i also found that a lot
of people projected really negative stereotypes onto me because they had it in their model of the world
that a person with a certain psychological makeup needed to adhear to certain stereotypical behaviours.

What I've gained from all of this is the understanding that any field gives you insights that are hidden from
other fields, but there comes a certain bullshit stereotype baggage with the field that the ones who
adhear to a certain "hive" minded perspective protects and upholds.

I find it funny when Jeffy and Tyler ++ repeatedly tries to adress these imature people with these
emulation mindsets, jumping on the next "cool" whatever thing cause everyone else does it.
Not seeing that it takes hard painful work and skills to get good not, mindlessly following the next bandwagon.
From a Jungian perspective you might even say that they have no choice.

So where do I stand in this?
Well I had a paranoid breakdown, with some heavy codependency issues, major distrust to people around me,
flagrant lack of motivation to do even basic things and a severe retreat from the world to my own little cave.

And then I went to RSD....
Now how did that go?
Well truth be told, I messed my life up big time as I was nor ready to deal with the psychological issues
that confronted me.
So what is the point?
Well my bout with RSD made me realize that yes their stuff was working, but that my psychological well
being was in jeopardy. I got myself into life and death situations, and became a ranting raving crazed
wild person looking for a fight.
Now luckily for me I had some very basic knowledge of Jung and could see how what I was going trough
was in many ways a reaction to suppressed psychological perspectives being showed in my face basically.
In addition to having my shame, anger and fear on display for myself and the world to see.

Alex told me on bootcamp that they couldn't fix psychological issues and if we had them we should seek
help elsewhere. So I went to Jung and read several books related to the subject, and compared notes
with what RSD instructors said here.

I feel I have a working model that accounts for Jung/Freud and the principles that are forwarded by RSD now.
It was hard work and very draining, but the self-knowledge is totally worth it.

Now I fully expect some loser keyboard jockey to comment this and be jugmental
and forward some inane shit like "you need to go out more".
Like every problem has a fucking boxed and ready solution.

Now ask yourself then, why are there such a diversity of RSD instructors then with wildly different styles?
Because life isn't a fucking standardized package. I see that the instructors realize this and manage to
give quality advice ragardless of issues, but all to often I feel that when I post here some random duce,
will give their two cents on what my problems are, pluss some generic solution they got from some
RSD instructor vid and that fitted their situation. Like if "go out more" resonates with you, great!
Still often the ones who do the drive by comments are people that rather than deal with the issue themself
they project it onto others, as it is so much easier to tell others that they are messed up than deal with their
own messed up behavior.

So why am I writing this long convoluted post anyway?
Well I learned from Jung that I think the best when I put my words in writing.
Before that they are just a bunch of disconnected stuff that I have a hard time dealing with.
And I really like to get my understanding of RSD vs Jung down well because I want to be able to
take this to the next level and actually use my newfound stability and control in my life to my advantage
in this area too. (the women area)

Now I dunno where I'm going with this in the end and I don't care.
I'm just trying to get by in this world, to find a way that works for me.
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I have gone out today and been checked out different places for daygame potential.
I wasn't in the mood for any actual approaching, I just wanted the logistics of moving around handled.
I hate logistics so I need to have that covered seperately.
I havn't done daygame since I moved so I haven't any real idea of where to go once I leave the house.
And then you never do leave the house.

I learned pros and cons of different malls and shopping districts.
I know I havn't done too mush of stuff like this lately,
but that is mainly cause I was hung up over this girl.

I manage to extract myself emotionally without actually loosing contact with the girl.
That is a first for me I guess. :)

Me going out and getting to know my environment with this in mind is beyond doubt proof
that I'm over obsessing.
2 Comments | 667 Views
So I've been taking Tylers advice and have watched several hours of mister Tolle.

It is really good and given me several new experiences that I lacked.
However, I'm already a Taoist.

I'm doing Tai-Chi I'm already "calm" and stuff.
I'm becomming too yin so to speak.

So I just went back into the articles and started listening to old videoes of Jeffy.
He isn't yin at all. Pure yang. Or beastmode as he calls it.
It helps me a lot.
Now I'm more ready to take action. And the subtle Tolleish advices actually works better
when they can support the yang of the Jeffyish method.

Yeah something like that.
Anyway I've had a lot on my plate lately.
I've gotten myself to take action on many fronts where I've hesitated for decages.
Some failiures, some successes, lots of learnings.
I'm building momentum in my life now and it feels good.

However other people are constantly challenging me on the direction I'm headed and
the direction I'm headed in. Like they try to mess up my progress by suggesting/insisting
that I do things in another order than what I'm doing it.
I tell them calmly that my priorities are set in this and this order, and they get all defensive.
Like they have been caught red handed trying to tell me what to focus on in my life.

Okay back to work! :)
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I've been taking responsibility from what I have learned so far from dealing with the last girl I was involved with.

The main learning is that I have poor boundaries in many areas.
Especially when it comes to my time and energy.

I let many people make any demand on my time and energy as long as it doesn't conflict with
some other demand on my time.

I'm basically walking around saying, "Time and energy for free!"

Only time I set a boundary is when I have some thing planned,
and then I just rescheduel it.
I say,
"You know right now is a really bad time for getting abused. How about next week?"

I've been watching videoes on bondaries and stuff.
Really helps.

I just set down a boundary towards someone today.
They wanted me to come to dinner and told me that person A, B and C was coming too.
A is an energy vampire, B is a buddy that is all over the place, C is a person I don't go along well with.
When B and C is in the same room it gets amplified due to the nature of their relationship.
A and C I can't picture getting along at all.
It is a recipie for a weird awkward evening if I've ever seen one.

So I told them that I didn't have the energy to come.
A true statement, since I was visioning myself getting totally drained in that company.

I got an answer back with.
"Oh are you tired? Bla bla bla."

I set down a boundary on my time and energy and I didn't have to be forced into that
meaningless situation. Now I have the whole day to myself and some project.
It is raining anyway, so it was my project or being drained at their place!
It was hard though. It took me over 30 minutes of delaying before I managed to push the
send button and decline.

I feel somewhat liberated, but also a bit empty.
But not in a bad way. More like I've pushed out some demon possesing me.
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Lets be honest.
I'm actually angry right now.
It took me some time and the sound of my fist slamming into my desk to realize it.

However since I've not depressed anymore the anger is quite different from the anger of the past.
It is a more focused expanding energy that wants to inflict pain on someone.

Behind it is the feeling of.
Why the fuck does I have to deal with this shit?
Why do I have have these insecurities that these girls can push on.
Why the fuck did that happen to me?

All I wanted was to be nice and share a moment with a girl and this is the thanks I get.
Public ridicule.

Now I know that these questions are quite unhelpful.
But fuck it!!!

Now how can I go forward?
That is the thing...
I resent the person I see I'm about to become.
I don't really want to become like this.
I feel like I have to become this cruel and heartless bastard with rockhard impenetrable boundaries.
From the frame I had before it is like I'm becoming the devil himself.
And all this because I wan't some loving...

It makes you want to reject this world.
But I know that the price of that is either death by your own hands or going to some
buddhist temple to meditate the rest of your life away.

I don't think that those are realistic options, especally the first one.
Though the second one have apeal on some level.

I guess I don't want to be rejected that is all.
I want intimacy, but fear it's concequences.
More than anything I don't want to reject anyone else.
It is hard to explain, but I feel like I'm even more bad if I say NO to some girl.
I will hide my opinions, expectation and wants if I feel that they will make someone else feel rejected.
I don't know why, maybe I don't want to become the "monster" that I feel have mistreated me myself
in the past.

When it comes to the girl, I'm actually conflicted.
I have made the decision to not want her as a girlfriend, but still a part of me hates that tought.
I felt really tense today when a friend of mine told me she had ridiculed me at a party to several
people. In a way she is making me into the "monster" I don't want to be.
She is forcing my had, she and all the other people who pushes my buttons and prods the
holes in my boundaries.
They want to see if they can crack me and how much pain I can take.
Oh well...
I'll show them all. I'll set real firm boundaries. I will make my needs a priority.
I will tell them. Fuck you! You don't decerve my concern anymore.
My kindness isn't available anymore. It is spent.

But that makes me sad and angry in a way.
That to get a good life, I have to take it that far.
Cause it seems to me that the more I rise myself to stand up.
The bigger the sticks people start to hit me with.
The more brutal and vicious the attack on my character become.
I'm starting to entertain toughts about everyone being evil.

Okay enough about my regrets....

Lets get some better questions!
How can I stay happy and motivated?
How can I look for the good in people?
How can I have firm boundaries in a healthy way?

Hmm that wasn't too bad...
I think I can make this work over time once I get over feeling like a victim.
4 Comments | 2,179 Views
So why am I so happy?

Cause I realize that being the boyfriend with this girl would actually be a burden.
All I wanted from her anyway was sex.

I probably could have gotten sex if it wasn't for two key issues.

My insecurities about kissing in public.

My poor boundaries in some areas who led to her taking parts of my power from me.

Still the situations I got into with her was a gift.
I learned tons about myself and girls.
The mistakes I made will not be repeated.
I will challenge my insecurities so that they become a non-issue.

It leads directly back to strict christian social conditioning as a child.
And all the turmoil I had to suffer when I started to get involved with non christian girls.

I realize now that I misinterpreted the situation then,
and all the stuff I viewed as negative actually was positive.

Now I have these reactions to situations that remind me of past negative interpretation,
and the conditioning that somewhat still linger deep down.

Although NLP techniques have lightened their impact considerably.
Actually without RSD's inspiration I would never have gotten so on top of the situation as I'm now.

I mean to be able to step away and say I don't want that girl as a girlfriend is a huge step for me.
Now I know that all I want from her is sex.
I don't need to hide that fact.

I'm working on rethinking how I deal with women in general.

I think my problem is that I want some logical clear system to box
the messy unpredictable girls into.

Like some go into some kind of friend-zone.
(ugly, unavailable women)

Some go into a flirt-zone to be sorted into potential girlfriends or sex-buddies.
(nice looking girls who are attracted and available)

Then all I have to do is decide who goes where and why.
I guess you kinda do that anyway, but by becomming a bit more aware of this,
I believe I should be able to be more clear on, what I want and expect from different girls.

Right now I feel that I'm kind not direct enough about my wants and expectations.
And therefore can't really complain when they are not met.

Anyway I will work on this stuff and will be back to report how it progresses.
0 Comments | 403 Views
I've written earlier about a girl being uncomfortable kissing in public.
But in fact, I'm the one with that insecurity I have realized.
Her resistence is to my insecurity about it! XD

This is probably my biggest sticking point at the moment.
Nice to know where I stand though instead of pretending not to have any problems.
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