This week alot of stuff has happened at once.
Been slapped in the face for being honest. And gotten an apology later cause I had done no wrong.
Been approached and touched by a hot strange woman who claimed to like my sweater
only to turn on her heal and walk away when she saw me react to her touching too much...
Gotten my buisness incorporated in britain.
Played and had fun alot. Minigolf, biliard, card games etc.
Managed to keep myself strong in regards too the girl I almost choded out over.
Practiced leading people around me.
Pushed my comfort zone to the limit. Again and again.
So now I've taken a walk.
I've been unraveling the chodiverse I've been spinning in my head lately.
The first girl I saw I thought. "Maybe I should smile to her."
After a while I started thinking "She looks hot."
And I knew that I was back to relative normal when I had no problem starring on
a girls breasts in passing even turning my head cause I liked them.
So what are my conclutions.
The problem came as I didn't really know what my next step was.
And I expended a fair amount of energy on thinking about the next step
with this girl. My uncouncious got the message and started working on it's
own even as I had long ago taken a break. And when I started looking at
the object of my energy investment, my mind started feeding me thoughts about.
"Maybe you should write this."
And at first the ideas wasn't too bad. But as I kept looking at photos it became a feedback loop. The more photos I looked at the more chode my ideas became.
And the more chode ideas i got the more I looked at photos, trying to figure her out.
But, you know what, this was good for me!
Because now I have a method of detecting falling into chodespace.
And I have proved to myself that I can snap myself out of it.
Okay just came in from doing Tai-Chi for clearing my mind in the front yard.
I've been starting to fall into the trap of falling for someone I've flirted with once.
She's pretty, likes me back and stuff, but comeon!
It started with me sitting at my computer listening to some RSD materials.
I surfed the net while I was doing that.
And I went on facebook...
Sent some messages to a couple of friends, posted a video
I thought fitting on my wall. And I glanced over at the friends section on
one of my friends and there she was as friends in common...
So I clicked that link. Browsed through her photos, then through some of her
closest friends photos to see photos they had taken of her...
Soon I started to drift into this fantasy world of thinking about
me maybe hooking up with her and bla bla bla...
Luckily Jeffys voice snapped me out of it before I started to declare my love on her wall
or something equally ridiculous.
And belive me my uncouncious is trying to dream up ways to communicate with this chick.
Now there is nothing wrong with communicating with her. As long as I play it cool.
And right now I belive that I need to watch closely all communication for recuring patterns
of chodely behavior.
And I know even still that the proper response to this shit is.
Go meet other women...
And although I know this, at this time I don't feel it.
And I definitly didn't know it before I took my fresh air break.
I will take a walk and hopefully meet some other chicks to take my mind of this one.
I've been experimenting with making my life more fun.
And have stumbled across a little concept that helps me understand
self amusement more.
Before when I tought about doing stuff I always started with who do I want to bring
and only then I started to think what do I want to bring them to.
Problem is that by doing it that way I'm already compromising in my mind.
Now I've started to say. Hey what cool thing do I want to do today.
And only then I ask who should I bring. Who would make this a greater activity!
That makes all the difference.
So if sombody say sorry can't make it. It's okay, would be more fun if you could,
but I'll manage to have fun anyway!
I'm hiding less and less now.
I'm starting to reveal alot of the "deep dark" secets that I have been
carrying around for so long weighing me down.
And I'm so much more free as a result.
Old anger is melting away and feel more confident in general.
My relations with my family i improving too.
Yesterday was a good day!
I visited some friends of mine and we had a barbeque.
One of my friends that have just gotten a girlfriend was talking
about how good a match I would be with some girl I've never met
and it was clear that he and his girlfriend was thinking about trying
to make us a couple.
So I made a joke about how they where trying to arrange a forced marrige
like in the middle east.
My other friend who has a hot babe wife and was throwing the barbeque told me that a friend of his wife was coming by and that she was single...
Ohoh... I told my friend and his girlfriend that wanted to hook me up, that I might have be unfaithfulto my forced wife to be!
I forgot about it. And suddenly his hot babe totaly my type shows up.
I get introduced and immediatly it is sparks between us.
I played it chill and after a bit of casual flirting told her about me beeing on a "forced" hookup.
She got into it and strongly adviced me to stay away from "blind dates" as she termed it.
I just kept talking for a bit to the couple about the prospect of the hookup while the hot one
overheard and said something to the effect off "Oh it doesn't matter I'm perfectly content with beeing single!" And I saw that she didn't like to hear that and started to try to get my attention the rest of the evening.
Long story short. She starte to make suggestions that we should meet again later so I've made plans to do just that.
Life is good!
I had an experience yesterday.
It kind of went to the core of my anger issues.
I came home and passed the door of my neighbour which was
half open. (We share kitchen and bathroom)
I heard my neighbour say "My neighbour has returned home."
And a friend of his who was visiting replied "AH THE NERD!"
That hit home. I have not had anyone refer to me like that in a long time.
Granted I'm very skilled with computers, but I don't like to be called a nerd.
So I got mad. Me getting mad at this time in my life involves active use of breaking rapport in
tonality, arrogant bodylanguage and raising hell over small issues that I previously had let slide.
Not very mature, but at least I didn't entertain ideas of attacking anybody as I did last time
I got angry. And I have come to the conclution anyway that I'm not a mature person anyway...
(You got to accept where you are to make progress)
Anyway since I didn't overreact and do anythong out of line as I've done before my
neighbour apologized for his friends behaviour today.
So that still leaves me with a newfound insecurity about my technical skills.
I was offended because I doesn't "own" my ease with computers.
I'm afraid of beeing put in a category, that I on some level feel are somewhat right.
I do spend alot of time on my computer. I have played alot of computer games in my life.
I have control over it now.
*Summary of my life story basically up to now in relation to this stuff as I see it
since I need to stop hiding from the truth it's long and winding*
From the age of 13 until 18 that label fit me pretty well. I lost myself in the computer since that and martial arts was the only pasttimes that I was allowed to indulge in. Gouing out was out of the question. I was sent to a religious school to be brainwashed even further than sending me
to church every saturday from I was 3 had allready accompliced.
So I became very good at computers and kicking ass.
So when I was sent to the millitary at 19 I was very shy and if somebody verbaly abused me
I took it lying down.
Everybody assumed that I was a wuss to the core and hand NO fight in me.
But when one of then kicked me i whirled around and slapped him around.
A big paradox I know! The shy guy kicks the big macho guys ass.
But since my life up until then was just martial arts and computers I was very fit and could easily
jump and kick somebody in the face if I wanted.
But enough martial arts and computers, cause I had a problem I was notoriously shy.
When I was stationed in the north I got sent into a Captains office. He was to review me
since I was to handle sensitive information and needed to check me out in a interview.
After the interview he told me that under the whole interview he felt that he was being angry at me just because of my bodylanguage and inability to keep eye contact.
He advised me to work on keeping eye contact with people.
I was shooked because to me the interview seemed normal. He asked questions I answered.
And this bodylanguage thing I had never heard of.
I went to the base library and read all the books on psychology and related stuff.
I was there for 8 months doing nothing, but watching TV and training martial arts anyway
the military does wonders for the morale.
After the military I had NO idea what to do. I hang around at home at my parents playing
computer. For some months. Tried to get some jobs unsuccessfully. I had zero friends in that part of the country since all my classmates from college lived in different parts of the country.
Thanks to me being sent to an uber christian boarding school.
After a while of doing nothing in particular, a friend from college in the west of Norway said
he could get me a job at a salmon factory. I went over there on a interview got the job and moved 550 kilometers away from home.
Suddenly I was "free" from all my parents shackles.
I was so wrong. I soon began to flirt with girls in the area, but since was raised to
respect women much more than alot of you guys probably where. I was rejected
over and over. And then ones that didn't reject me at first did soon when they realized that I had NO skills with women, no clue, too much respect, lots of hang ups that made me do weird
things and the list goes on and on. I was frustrated beoynd messure. I knew that my religious upbringing had some of the blame. But I just tried harder. I went on the internet and typed in
how to pick up girls. And found the notorius fastseduction.com. I read some affirmations and belived that I was set. Yeah right...
Girls got some more interest, but lost it very fast when I turned into SUPERCHODE version
2 with new and expanded functionallity.
I then got my hands on David Ds book double your dating. And read about the consepts of attraction and all those concepts.
That book was good for me and I got my first kiss and later makeout after "one year" of trying to make it work.
Only to abandon the girl at my doorstep when she suggested that we have sex. Cause I freaked out.... (PAINFUL MEMORY)
That lead to a downward spiral that made me lose all my friends. So I quit my job and
moved back to Oslo.
I had saved a HUGE amount of money so I just sat around in my parents basement for free and played starcraft for 6 months, took martial art lessons and bought martial art books for 20 000 NOK or something around $3500.
After that I decided to go to a boaring school of type have fun playing sports and stuff and we will give you a diploma to show for it.
That was a wise decicion. I soon found out that of all the students 145 or something only 20 or so was male.
So now I it was a given that all my problems was over. I had Davids dvd programs. No problem right?
All I managed in one year was a make out and a short hand job from a young girl.
I did push my comfort zone ALOT that year. But I really realized how FUCKED UP I was.
So I started going to hookers. Remember I was loaded with money still. Lost my virginity at age 22 to an asian girl who took 1500 Nok for the pleasure.
At first I just thought that as soon as I got that handled the floodgates would open.
WRONG again. I only felt miserable and shameful. And now I just wnet back for more and more.
I probably spent something in the neighbourhood of 40 000 Nok on hookers. $7000.
Oh well who can blame me nobody else was putting out.
After the school was over I went back to Oslo.
I still didn't know what to do.
But I had caught the poker craze at school and belived that
could support myself on playing poker. Yeah right...
Though I didn't loose my winnings never amounted too much.
I STILL lived at my parents and I was ashamed by it.
But I had no job, and money was finally running out.
I also had gotten some debt on the school. 60 000 Nok.
So no I was broke in debt and living at my parents, had no job, no friends
that lived nearby and no girl. Life sucked even more kind of.
I went to the bookstore and looked at books even though I really couldn't afford any.
And I wandered over to the self help section.
There was this green book with this guy who had a big smile.
Awaken the giant within by Anthony Robbins.
So I bought it. The best choice I ever made so far in my life.
After reading it I got a job. Got a small room that I rented. Got in touch with an old classmate
from college with turned out to be gay... I stopped hainging out with him after a friend of his tried to hit on me,
I kicked his ass and sent him to the doctor for the effort.
The job was as an assistant in a kindergarden. I as so glad that I did that.
All that having to deal with children for 3 years helped me fix alot of my emotional issues
and deal with people much better.
I signed up for a mystery method bootcamp in stockholm after paying down my debt.
And away I went.
Oh shit... I learned alot from that. But I also noticed that the instructiors there.
Was VERY worried for me. They said that I had ALOT to work on. And gave me a program to follow.
Dude they thought I was screwed up beyond help. I could see it in their eyes.
The way they spoke to me.
But I took what they told me and practiced on EVERY girl I met in social setting.
I tried to go out alone, but was terrified and hid in a corner for the most part.
But I did some approaches from time to time and pushed my comfort zone
to a big extent when I look back at it now.
I also got a coulple of friends with my new skills who introduced me to alot of girls to practice on.
I then quit my job at the kindergarden and did nothing for a few weeks.
Then I got a job cleaning witch I still have. And started a one year school of accounting, law and bussines.
And that's when I read that Alex was coming to town.
I tought about it and said it doesn't hurt to hear what he has to say.
After listening to Alex I was really conflicted. Take or not to take.
So I marked that I was interested and when I got the call I said yes.
Took the bootcamp and I feel that this time there is a light in the end of the tunnel.
I'm glad to get all that off my chest and stop hiding my stupid story.
So I write and write some more.
I feel that when I put something on this blog it gets a bit more concrete.
So I was just out.
It was the first time that I left the house with that as an intention.
Cause it scares me a bit.
Out in the club everybody is a bit crazy and an approach isn't that a big deal.
On the street it feels much more different.
It went okay I guess. I chatted up this 7eleven girl that didn't have any costumers.
I need to work on alot of stuff, but I'm at least leaving the house trying.
I've been trying to pinpoint lately what kind of girl I like
and what about her that turns me on.
These attributes are required:
Brunette (Blonds are nice, but not as hot)
Ass (They need a clearly defined curved ass not some flat or square thing)
Height (Between 160-170cm is ideal)
Breasts (Medium size, too big just look stupid, but im not too focused on breasts)
Face (Normal cute face)
My long term goal is to get a girlfriend who fit this description more or less.
I've been experiencing this thing called the dark side by some.
Or uncouncious or whatever.
Me or others acting in negative self/other sabotaging behavior.
So from my perspecive I have two issues to deal with.
How to deal with myself when I'm self sabotaging
how to deal with others that want to sabotage me in open or hidden ways.
The most important is my self sabotage.
Cause who needs others to get in your way when you yourself is doing a damn good job.
I need a purpose, a plan, and a way to keep me on the path.
Yesterday I told two of my buddys that they shouldn't let me of the hook.
(They have girlfriends and think seeing me hitting on girls is a funny thing)
Yeah right... They completely forgot... So that is a unreliable method.
So I'm left to my own devices to get to my goals.
So what are my goals?
To consistently approach the ones that are my type.
Petite brunettes in other words.
So my plan for now is. Go out on my own.
And make sure that there are no other alternatives open.
I should approach even when I'm feeling lazy or whatever.
I shall experiment with it until I get it right.
I will give myself a reward for each hot girl approached this way.
Cause just okay doesn't cut it.
And then I can transition into number or extraction witch of course is goal number two.
It sounds so damn simple writing it down,
but somehow it gets so muddy in my head when I'm out.
I have started to move in the direction I want my life to go.
I should have done this years ago, but it's not before now that I've realiced
the dynamics of the social condicioning holding me back.
My Father, Grandfather and Grandmother are all characters in my
life suptly trying to hold me back. To move me into a life where they have me
on a leach.
So now that I've starting my own buisness. Making informed choices going out
and stuff. They don't know how to deal with me fully.
I'm not saying that they really want bad things for me, they just suggest bad
things for my life and criticize my choices.
Oh well I'm going out tonight with three buddies. That will be fun!
I have no reason to be angry, but yet I am.
School is finished with great grades. A's and B's.
My new business is starting to roll.
The weather is nice.
I have money in the bank.
Girls respond and start to giggle when I just talk to them.
My life is growing in every way.
But that doesn't matter cause I'm ANGRY!!!
The slightest comment or situation gets me fuming.
Some poor sucker is probably going to go to the hospital
if this goes on.
And I have no logical reason to be angry.
It's just emerging from within.
Its like all my anger from previous life experiences is rearing it's ugly head.
I want to punch someone.
In the face so they bleed like fight club or something.
I'm having imaginary fights where I dismember people that do things I don't like.
Breaking their arms, gouging their eyes beeing plain evil I guess.
The things that my anger wants me to do would put me behind bars for years.
Beeing a martial artists like me is like walking around armed and dangerous 24/7.
It's like you are fuming and you know that you have this "gun" tucked in your pants.
I can kill with my hands, and that makes it even harder cause I have to deal with my anger
in a safe way.
A fight in anger isn't just a me push, you push me, I hit you, you hit me.
It's more like I trust my elbow into your throat, and flip you head first into the pavement.
Hmm...writing this made me calm down a bit.
This is really good therapy writing things down.
I'm posting this here since I feel that you guys are partly responsible for making
me face my anger like this.
And yes this is me beeing honest. I have "Radical honesty" to thank for that.
Honestly I'm an angry, fuming, pissed of son of a bith right now.
Thats just how I feel.