My last post was a bit problem oriented.
So now I want to get back to solution orientation.
Right now I in a severe standstill in pickup.
I have not approached anyone genuinely for weeks.
My soution should entail going out on Friday and Saturday on my own or with others.
In addition i should have a 5 girls per day policy for daygame!
When in the club my goal should be to approach girls and move them around as much as possible.
Deasn't matter where or how as long as I try to lead, lead LEAD! Cause that's what I struggle with.
Leading is out of my comfort zone so I need to do it more. With everyone I meet!
I will post everyday and explain why I have or havn't met my qouta of daygame targets.
That is my new plan!
I have turned back to my martial arts today.
I have realized that my physical health was not all that great
anymore and are taking steps to correct that.
Tai-Chi is the name of the game.
All the self development stuff seems to have
made a positive impact on my level of understanding of my practice.
In Tai-Chi you learn to take control of your emotionall and hormon system
so that in the heat of battle you can avoid silly things like tunnel vision and
degrading to gross motor movement.
All the dealing with anger lately seems to have had an impact on my level of
emotional control and I have made great progress without training all that much.
There is of course LOTS to learn in both fields, but ever since I heard the piece
about Tyler linking his teories of pickup with teories of Taoism in the blueprint
I've seen lots of progress in both areas. Cause I see how they relate.
My biggest problem now is that I'm really uncomfortable with leading/touching women.
From bootcamp I distinctly remember being pushed into and forced to stay and "escalate" with a
girl by Victor. I was WAY outside my comfort zone.
So far outside that I dismissed it as not relevant. I didn't want to deal with it.
I've been thinking about it alot lately and has come to the conclution that this is the number
one thing that I need to work on.
Approaching is important too of course, cause if I don't approach much I won't have anyone practice on.
So I have swung the pendulum back into calm old me.
After having done alot of shit and bumped heads with alot of people around me
it was time to clean up the mess and move on.
I feel that I have gotten further on several key issues.
I have gotten over lots of anger.
I have discovered that I had big trust issues.
I have gotten closer to some key people in my life.
(plus made bigger waves than usual in my relationships)
I have found out that I expect things to not work out.
(I need to start expecting things to work out.)
If I don't feel like going out I should still do it.
If only to try something new that I would never have done in a normal state of mind.
And thereby get some new distinctions.
I found that being assertive gets immediate respect.
Things are lining up for a better future, I only need to keep going in the right direction.
Yesterday i was frustrated.
I went out, but couldn't consentrate because of all the emotions coming to
the surface. So I just left and went down to a river not far away.
And screamed of the top of my lungs. Channeling all my anger and frustration into it.
Afterwards I was just tired and empthy, but I got an idea of how deep my anger go.
There was much hate boiling to the surface and a lot of sorrow.
I went home and slept for a long time and when I woke up today I felt much better.
I cannot remember ever doing somthing like that.
Everything is conflict!
Everyone is out to use me if I let them.
Humor is just a way to convey negative attitudes in a wrapped up package
so we can laugh about our conflicts and fears.
I'm in a cynical mood since I am colliding with people around me
and are getting alot of negative feedback.
And I feel like I should back down like I always do
but I instead stand my ground saying stuff like.
"I see that you are upset about this."
Saying what I feel and mean and taking a lot of shit from people used to
me backing down.
The world feels so empthy. Like nothing matters anymore.
Only me and all the competing people trying to get on top of me.
Dragging me down in the filth since they feel that if they are in the filth
I should keep them company.
I need new and positive friends. And I need to get my act together on alot of areas.
I'm considering joining toastmasters so I can get some constructive criticism on a regular basis
on the way I act.
Got myself wasted this weekend.
I let my destrucive side out a bit and thrashed a couple of tables in a bar.
Beer and glass EVERYWHERE...
Somehow I don't know how, the bouncers thought someone else
was responsible and threw them out instead.
Havn't been so wasted in several years.
It is clear that my anger still waits for opportunities to fuck the world up.
Besides from that my night was half decent. I talked to girls of my own free will
but me beeing a bit wasted and in a bit negative state it didn't really go anywhere.
However next time I will turn my alcohol down and my sexuality up.
It's going to be fun!
So I've been talking about goals lately.
What goal? I have none yet...
Why? Because I'm complacent.
Trying to figure out what my next step was has been a stalling strategy.
However the good news is that I've put wheels in motion that will force me to do something about this.
I've realized that I've not really accepted that females are these sexual creatures.
From being told that it's always the man that are the part thats bad.
And that women are innocent victims of male sexuality.
This was forcefed to me from age 13 to 21 approximately.
Man i dislike the ones that put me trough that.
If I had them here with me now they would know the meaning of pain!
But I guess the only path now is to make a decision about my next move.
I will approach 140 females with an opinion opener!
That was probably the hardest part! Commiting to a cource...
So now it's time to push myself even more!
I've been trough some intense shit lately. And I might as well continue
putting myself in "harms way" outside my comfort zone.
Did I mention I almost got into a fight because of a new friend insulting a guy
and I had to step in backing him. Dude I always try to avoid trouble...
I usually avoid guys that are looking for trouble, but this guy fucks models and shit
so I should hang with him to learn a couple of things even though I might get in a bit of trouble.
I was thinking about writing in detail about this,
but I have too much of a hangover to bother from last night...
Basicly I told a bully that was in my face that he made me sad.
I told him that he was right, because he was driving at what I usually keep hidden.
As I understand it trying to hide something gives other people power over you
if they know that your hiding something and want to use it against you.
So I just expressed my sadness and didn't try to hide it anymore.
You know not holding back the tears, but not beeing ashamed about the fact that I was crying eighter.
The bully of course crumbled. A bully doesn't think of himself as a bully.
He was like chear up man!!!
And I just answerd that my past makes me sad and I can't help that.
But the thing is that everybody respects me more because of this.
Cause I dind't like crumble cry. Just express my sadness with silent tears.
I was honest and said I'm sad now. And I feel much better for it.
Feel that I don't have to hide myself from the world as much.
After a bit of stumbling around lately trying to motivate myself to do more stuff,
I've realized that if I try to put to many thing under the umbrella of a motivation
system it just displaces the original tasks.
So I've reset my system to only focus on pickup, training and daily dental care.
That way I can't fool myself about my progress in this area.
There are a lot of other stuff it's nice to have done, but those will have to be secondary
to the main pusuit of growing in my social life.