bagua's Blog

So the girl from Holland is gone, but with my new view of the world I successfully
made the crush about something higher than just that one girl.
It made it easy form me to start interacting with a Swiss girl I met the other day.
So far so good and I don't have to have a depression each time I generate alot
of feelings with the women and then circumstances removes them from my life.
Now they are an expression for my love of my anima or feminine godess/angel
if you will. I think the major issue many people have with being loving is
that they attach themself to that particular incarnation of femininity.
Now my emotions are an expression of love towards femininity as a whole
and I don't have to worry about any one woman being there.

Now I don't know if this will work for anyone but me.
Much of this pickup field feels stone cold and deap to me.
Not that everyone is that, but I see a lot of rejection of emotions.
Well as long as one attaches oneself to a particular female I guess
feeling is too hard.
I'm unsure how this will affect me in the long run, but it seems to be working for now.
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I've realized recently with my efforts to let go of trying to control the situations
I'm in, that one common theme that comes up is my take on monogamy.
It is like I feel that any woman that has a good interaction with me,
is attracted to me or that I just like, somehow belongs to me.
Like I have this deep idea that I want to control her in the frame of being mine.

So since I realized this I'm trying an idea I'm unsure if I got from RSD
or from somewhere else.
The idea is simple. Every girl I meet is "the same girl".
Now obviously this isn't the case for real, but my projection onto girls
stay pretty constant. If I have a deep crush moment with one girl,
instead of making it about this physical person in question.
I just apply the feeling to women in general. Like I just fell deeper in love
with the "anima complex" inside me that I project onto women to take
a Jungian way of looking at it.

It seems to me that when I start to do this, my negative emotions toward them
disolve and I don't worry about how long or how deep my connection is with
any one girl at the moment. I'm just constantly interacting with femininity itself.

And that brings me to my second issue that I hope will work itself out with this
view of it. The issue of feeling that I never does enough in any one interaction.
It is like when I start to feel very deeply that the girl kinda overwhelms me
with her femininity. I can't think straight and does very little constructive.
I think I'm quite insecure about opening myself emotionally to women like that.
To me it seems like I have linked feeling good towards women with rejection.
Once I realize that I have no control and that all women can be viewed as one
I guess I was more open to going deeper emotionally. Not attaching any one
situation of relating and it's potential end as a threat too my feelings of connectedness.

I think Robbie Williams song Angels clued me in on this way of viewing it.

Sure on some level it is a big illusion, but no person you ever meet will
you actually connect for real with. Your deep feelings will never
really be communicated and you can't grasp what she is feeling either.
In a situation of feeling you really only have two people idealizing the other.
The only way that I see a resolution to this is to accept the idealized "angel"
image as the true lover and view the women you meet as incarnations
of this ethernal loving angel.
Otherwise you will just go on up and down swings of bliss interupted
by deep depressions. Or at least that is what I have gone trough.
The other alternative is to just go stone cold and just take the sex
and nothing more. For a feeling person like myself that is no real option.
I see no meaning to life if I have to give up the depth of feeling.
That is what I crave and want out of life.
Monogamy screwed up my view and made me committed to force
an idealized concept down on any one female unlucky enough to pass
by and get sucked into my black hole of desperation.
I feel that with this view I may soon heal myself emotionally
and have great times with many incarnations of my "female imagio".

Still I notice that on many levels I have a very firm monogamy frame.
No wonder since I grew up with the view.
Hopefully I will shed it piece by piece, so that having a woman with me for
5 seconds or 5 years become irrelevant, they are just me relating to the
same thing.
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I managed to overcome my depresion and turn it around.
Today I had a great day.
Brushing off cruel putdowns by this austrailian guy, like they where nothing.
I just refused to take them seriously and just made them into something fun.
He was confused as hell and felt totally deflated, and the girls ended up digging me.
Not that he didn't have enough status to command respect regardless.
He was just not used to his harsh lines not working.
So oh well I had these nice moments and just loved ever sexy moment. =D
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So I've had new experiences that have kinda moderated the views I expressed in my last post. I still think that RSD is right in the all women is selecting mates without regard for anyones emotions, but I also think that they don't conciously consider that they are trampling anyone. Cause if you think about it it would be kinda depressing if you felt that you had consider what someone else might want you every time you made a choice.
And as a guy you don't really think too hard about the fattie in the corner either.
Even though she was just as attracted to your high status or whatever.
It is easy to get angry when the game of life don't throw the dices in your favor.
You always want to come out on top an when you don't you kinda wish doom
and gloom on everybody. Especially when you feel that everyone else is getting
it and you are not. Like there is some sort of unfair balance.
In reality it was pretty random in a lot of ways.
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I've been having this denial thing going on.
Basically it came down to that certain things the RSD people where saying didn't
apply to certain types of women.
The specifics of the denial don't matter, what matters is that I got it in my face
that it does apply to them big time. This made me a bit depressed.
Some idealistic part of me didn't want the world to be that cruel and heartless.
So I like said that only part of women where like that.
And has this idea that RSD wasn't privy to x, y, z and therefore was only partly right.
But no I was fucking wrong. All girls are genetically programmed to act this way.
There is no "nice" girls. They are "cruel" and "heartless".
Now of course they can be caring and stuff, but when it comes to mate selection
none of that shit matters.

My biggest sticking point right now is being able to be more cool than another guy without feeling sorry for him.
I'm unsure how to do that. I kinda just wanna be evil right now.
Make others hurt and shit, since no one gives a fuck and nothing really matters.
It so easy too. Objectively at least.
In reality I have all these blocks and shit.
But girls will like set up a "competition" between you and some other guy and kinda have you duke it out. I feel it is insulting. And don't wanna participate.
But then both the guy and girl kinda conspire to like make you suffer.
And when they are not successful cause you think to highly of yourself to let
them affect you. You can see that they feel bad about you not feeling bad.
How fucked up is that?
Like I'm wondering if I can ever wish something well on anyone else again.
Like to me it seems that nature wants me to be evil to succeed.
Now that is obviously not true, but that is how it feels right now.
I'm kinda depressed, and if I hadn't worked so hard on the control issues
and the worth issues it would be even worse.

Still this is just a wenting thing for me.
I realize that I'm gping trough some very hard situations right now.
Any other period of my life would hve just made me crumble,
so in a long term perspective it is good.
Might take me until Monday to get me straightened out again though.
Then all the people involved will be gone when I move on.
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Been going trough severl bouts with myself lately.
Right now I'm flirting with this girl from Holland.
It is going quite all right and I've crossed several barriers,
though insecurity keeps rearing it's ugly head.
Luckily the ideas of "No reason I'm not enough"
and "there is no control" seem to be taking care of most of it.

Still sometimes I'm frustrated with the way things are going anyway
and I end up going here right now to just went that.
Just so I get a clearer picture of where I stand.
In my own head that is.
Like I kinda just don't feel confident at times.
I do nothing or become static and that makes me insecure or at least narrow.
I'm dealing with those issues though and feel that I'm making lots of headway.
Anyway just my quick rant to get out of my head.
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So I've arrived in Valencia.
The last days have been about me getting to terms with the idea of no control
and the first commandment of Alex.
There is no reason that you are not enough.

It has litterally opened my eyes.
I have become much less hesitant. I fear less that things will get out of hand.
And I also worry less about deserving the good things that happen.

Still this is a work in progress and both of these ideas are just in their infancy.
I need to really deal with a lot of shit to get to a better place.
Still the start is good and I will think and work on both of these each day.
I find that it is in the little situations where the most work has to be done.
Like those moments when you hesitate.
It seems to me that it is either from fearing the lack of control.
Or that you feel that you arn't enough for the situation, like you don't deserve it.
Mostly they are interwined. Like you imagine scenarios based on your lack
of percieved value. Then you want to avoid that scenario as you feel out of control.
If you add value you will not imagine bad scenarios in the first place.
But if you do imagine scenarioes, it is good to let go of the want to control it.

Gee this is getting just as tangled as I percieve it to be in real life.

Since I'm on a trip I've started putting little picture updates on facebook.
This is great as I get to slowly change how I and other percieve me.
I go from slightly dorky guy, and can slowly trough practice and trial and error,
get to present myself as a cooler guy. Both by hanging out with cooler people
and by acting more cool myself. I've started to notice a change in myself allready
and it is definately for the better.

Anyway, today was an interesting day.
Got to put myself into lots of interesting situations.
Every night I'm so fucking tired, both mentally and physically.
So I'm not holding much back.
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So I watched Ozzies last video yesterday.
The one about control.
I've been relating what he said to my own approach and it is so spot on.
Every time I try to manouver to make stuff "easier" I just say.
Fuck it you have no control anyway.

Like there was this girl who I wanted to talk too.
I was like positioning myself strategically for when she exited the bathroom.
Doing stuff that was easy to interupt and stuff.
Then I was like, fuck it.
I need to do my excercises, so I started doing my stuff and when she came out
I asked what her name was and continued training.
It was a fun moment and not forced like it usually is.

I need to remind myself all the time as I'm constantly trying to posistion myself
for optimum effect. But that is only imaginary as I have ZERO control.
Anything could happen. So I will work on winging stuff more.
It feels easier that way.
Just talking away whenever there is a hot girl to talk to, and I feel like it.
That would be the best.
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So three canadian girls checked into my hostel room.
They left today, but I didn't want to write anything before I knew how it panned out.
Now usually when I'm put into situations like this I kinda revert into nice chode mode.
Hello, how are you? Nice to meet you! Bla bla bla...
Instead I just said "Hey" when they entered and left them to their own devices.
Doing stuff on my computer.
When it got a bit later I said "Hey girls!!" In the tone of someone who might hit on them. One of them looked straight at me and "prepared for battle".
And I said "Maybe we should put out the lights it is getting late."
Haha the look of confusion on her face was priceless.

Anyway the next day I got to chat them up a bit, and introduced myself only when
it was established that they respected me. That worked out pretty well and the rest
of the time I cracked jokes with them and made fun of their desperate several hour long efforts to prepare to hit the clubs. I've never been in this position before so it
was great. No I didn't fuck them, not even kiss them.
But you know what? It doesn't matter, cause the realizations I had in their company as a guy they had respect for was priceless.

I got to deal with a lot of basic insecurities that came up for me.
And by having a laid back, I'm in my world doing my thing and you guys
you are the entertainment approach.

Now obviously the next time something similar happens it will be different.
I will get to deal with other things I noticed about myself.
Like how I hold back on entering their space.

Still I got to do stuff I never would have dared with a group of 3 hot girls.
You know the ones who gets to just do what they want.
Pulled into VIP and stuff, just by talking with some guy with influence.
Don't bother to carry ID or much money cause drinks and entrance will be provided. It was a fascinating experience and even though I didn't
do what Alex or Tyler would have done in the situation.
"Having an orgy in the room." I'm quite satisfied with the progress I made.
Building a better reality one interaction at a time.
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I'm in Barcelona right now.
Just packed my bags and jumped on a flight.
I couldn't take it anymore, Norway and it's winter!!!!!!!!!!!!
My family and their beaten track. :-/

So now I'm here with sun and girls everywhere.
So far I've made out with a girl on a beer festival.
Unfortunately logistics don't work well when you are new in the city.

Still I'm proud of myself from being able to attract a girl and have
such an interaction the first night I was out.
It proves that I've progressed a lot farther than I was before I was in a relationship.

So yeah I now got new sticking points.
Like the Spanish language. XD

I've learnt a lot about myself from getting exposed to different people here.
Such a different culture, and all sorts of guys/gals comming and going in
the hostel rooms I live in.

Life is sure more fun and interesting now.

I see my ramblings about poker eariler.
Yeah was I to become great at that....
Long story short.
I needed to move my retirement fund.
And decided to test putting them in stocks.
That was fun, and now I trade in stocks while I run around in Barcelona. =D
I earn far more money there than I could ever hope to earn at poker,
and the effort that goes in is like only 1% of what I would have to invest in poker. Luckily poker and stocks have much in common and I could adopt my learnings to poker to the stock market on the fly. So far it is good and I earn money from it. Man why didn't I do this before. XD
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