bagua's Blog

Lately I've been focused on other people's insecure actions.

This of course is an effort to hide my own flagrant insecurity.
Cause me understanding insecurity intellectually is no indicator
of me getting it emotionally.

Basically I have had some progress in how secure I feel in certain situations,
but I still have a lot of ground to cover in alot of areas.

This is an attempt from my side of accepting the task of dealing with the
things I'm hiding from.

Here is a list of areas that I need to deal with:

- Using a deep tone of voice.
- Physical escalation.
- Going out alone and approaching.
- Being more humorous.
- Stop telling everybody who wants to listen about my life.

So as you can see I have alot of gorund to cover.
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I have had some days now that I've taken a break from my ordinary push myself regimen.

Only because I felt the negative attitude of people around me in relation to them
being insecure about me acheiving stuff


I'm going to grow even larger and if they choose to compare themself to me
what do I care???

I am not responsible for their feelings of inadeqacy!!!

I will move my life in the direction I choose no matter what!
Even though others might feel small in comparison.

And how do they get to know how good I am???

THEY FUCKING ASK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not like I'm trying to be an ass about my journey to success.
They ask and I answer. I don't fancy lying, but I might tell them that it's none of their
buissnes more often.

Hmm that is hard stuff to do for me. Denying information. Cause I like to share it.
And if someone asks something I have a tendency to answer without thinking.

Need to work on that more!!!
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I pushed myself hard on alot of areas lately, but I felt worn down and took a well deserved break for now.

I play computer and watch cartoons oblivious of my motivation system.
The pressure was too much right now.

Oh well you live and learn. I need to rethink my strategy on this.
Probably I need to work on what I tell other people about my life.
I have this tendency to give too much information to people.

Like I have a hard time not answering questions.

The problem is that I make alot of people insecure by telling them
honestly about my plans and stuff. And they start to sabotage me in little
ways so that they can see me fail and feel better about themself again...

It was much worse before tough.
As it is with most things in my life. Everything was worse before!
Now things are better even tough I needed a break...
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I belive I'm in high risk of becoming a boyfriend right now.
Witch will be a first for me...

It kinda was my goal all along, but I've lost hope over the years and became
very cynical and locked up.

Thanks to Alex and RSD this is changing!
I now have a real shot at getting a real girlfriend.

The direction I've pushed myself lately have made me more able to be cool
enough for women to want to be around me and meet me again and stuff.

I've started to unfreeze all my limiting patterns of behavior around women.
This is only the beginning, but it starts well!

However I'm under no illusion that getting a girlfriend will be a end to my problems.
I will probably only get alot of new ones.
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Lately I have broken down my reality.
Been trough shit and lots of stress.

But now I have settled on a new level of being.

I train every day now, take care of my health, take care of my finances, push my comfort zone with women more
than I ever did before, I  just take actions towards my goals in one shape or form every day.

I have alot of systems in place to make sure that I don't fall
back to my previous version of myself, but rather constantly move in the right direction.

So now I can see and belive in a better future for myself.
Before I was content just getting by.

Watching tv-series and playing games endlessly while the rest of my life went down the drain.
No more of that!
Now I use my like for cartoons and computer games to my advantage!

If I want to play I need to pay!
Pay with approaches or other actions that put me on the way to success!
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Today I was invited to my only friend that is a girl. (In norwegian venninne)
English is such an inadequate language for describing male female relationships.

New english word friend-girl!!!

So I went over to my friend-girls house and had dinner.
We talked and got into the subject of emotions and I decided since
I have dealt with alot of emotions lately to open up and be honest about
where I felt I stood on the subject.

We talked for like 5 hours straight.
And with her help I managed to pin-point a couple of points that have been
eluding me lately. It has to do with caring feelings. And that I am basically
avoiding them. And that I don't view sex and caring feelings to be connected
and if they get mixed up I RUN!

I managed to help her realize a couple of things that was profound for her too
so it was a win-win situation.

I'm moving in the right direction, but I often feel it is going too slow.
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So yesterday was fucked up!!!

But now I've had a good night sleep and I'm back to normal. (in my head at least)

I have one less friend. A severly banged up neighbour and two flatmates that are avoiding me.

Interesting stuff...

Anyway I downloaded the newest episode off stargate universe and all I need now
is to deserve watching it. Hmm all the task on my todo list that gives points
to the system is generally not doable on a sunday. I could wait for the autopoints
I get for my daily training and flossing of teeth later today, but no I want this faster!

So I guess I have to go outside and do some daygame. Talk to a couple of females on the street
or whereever else I may find them.
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This day has been UNREAL!!!

Yesterday I was out and it was great as far as I managed to take my interactions with women
to a new level.

However after a while I decided to go home cause I was tired and stuff.
I lock the door (thank god) and go to bed.
I wake up by the fact that my drunk flatmate is banging on my door DEMANDING
that I get up and play poker with him and my third flatmate. I ignore him since
I want to sleep, but NOOO he starts to try to force the door open by trying to pick the lock.
That is a futile project and he soon gives up the attempt, but he isn't finished by far.
He goes over to the room next to mine and starts to try to get at me throgh the fucking window.

At this point I'm on my feet and mad as hell!!!
I tell him to go fuck off, and guess what??? Now HE'S offended!
Like yeah he is totally the victim here.

After a long argument where I was very assertive (proud of that) I told him that
not only is he intruding on my privacy, I do not intend to join their poker game since
I have SLEEPING to do and that I don't really trust him anymore since he tried to break into my room!!!

The next day (today) they didn't say much, my third flatmate tried to initiate "negotiations",
but I was still offended and in no mood to forgive or discuss last night.

So I went out. Walked down the stairs.
Saw a neighbour drive his fourwheeler onto a kind of ramp.
The ramp tips over, the fourwheeler shoots into the air and land on the roof of the car and hurling our
poor neighbour into a fence.

I call 113 (norways 911) and we get an ambulance and rush him to the hospital.

Im like WTF just happened???

I walk in the direction of my original intention to visit a friend.
I get on the bus, he lives an half an hours drive away roughly.

I tell him that I'm on my way and he tells me that he is going to pick me up at the bus station.
I say great.

I arrive, but he isn't there yet.
So I wait, it's cold out, it takes a while, I send an sms what is going on?
No answer, still no friend, I'm cold now!


Then I see him. He is parked a distance away. He is just sitting there watching me and I get the impression that he has done so for some time. WTF??? I've been standing here A LONG TIME now and he has just parked almost out of sight and is just watcing me and not responding to phone.

So I walk over. I'm cold inside. I ask him if he is trying to be rude. All he says is did you wait long?
I tell him we are no longer friends turn my back on him walk back to the bus station and take the first bus home.

I feel empty, I feel cold, dark, lonely and evil right now.
Everything seems to be fucked up from where I stand.

Is this all there is? A bunch of fucked up people fucking with eachother?
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So I went out of the door and down to the train station.

And guess what.
I didn't know how to approach.
Or more correct didn't manage to pick a line to use.
I just rejected line after line.

The test that verified it was that as soon as I tried to use my old line I approached
almost immediately.
However my old line isn't getting me anywhere.

So if anybody have a good frame, line, topic, role or idea of how I can take my daygame to
the next level I would appreciate it!

If not I will just have to experiment more.
Be more courageuos probably.
3 Comments | 507 Views
Double post.
0 Comments | 421 Views