bagua's Blog

Nothing is perfect and neigther is just being.

Money has to be earned to pay for food, cold as hell outside still, etc etc
Life passes as before.

However no idea of self to protect anymore.
Like sometimes there was anxiety before certain social interactions.
To protect the self from what might be said and done.

Not anymore.

Anger, happiness, and everything else may still arise, but fear is decreased.

Attacks on self is not as effective.
Since self is only a random tought that happens to have been tought ALOT.
If there is a tought about a blue elephant. Why protect it?
It's just a tought.
Just like the tought of self.

There is still habit and kneejerk reactions, but they fade slowly to the background.
Ahh this is good! :)
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On the walls of the room of the former self
are many charts, quotes and such designed to keep motivation up.

Self needed guiding it seems.

They speak of ownership.
Of goals, ideas, destinations, attitudes, motivation, knowledge, things and probably more.

I am, If you, The man, What have I.

Trying to measure ownership and it's progress and then accelerating it.

How much goals, ideas, destinations, attitudes, motivation, knowledge, things is owned now
and how much can the prosses be speed up.

Elaborate charts of rewards and punishments to ensure continued acceleration of achivements.
Was self mad?

Maybe a bit... Self was obsessed with approval and validation.
Telling everybody who would listen about MY motivational system.

Then self learned about approval and validation. And stopped telling everybody about the system.
And guess what?! The system stopped working.

Self was caught in a dilemma. On one side he needed to get rid of approval and validation to
achive even more, but on the other side they were the very fuel of the system.

Self had long ago forgotten that the system was a tool designed to help him.
Self had started to belive that he existed to serve the system.

The system is still there, but redesigned for a new purpose.
What was the orignal purpose?
To use old ingrained habits as leverage against fear and showing everybody how smart self was.

The refrerances to self and omitence of I are an excerise for me to get used to the idea of just being.
Cause not just being is kind of a habit.
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Wow the idea about reality in my head kinda shifted today.
StepVhen was kind enough to point me in the right direction.

All I needed to do was commit suicide.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not refering to the body that is typing this,
but the idea this body had about self.

It is inconvenient when communicating to omit the concept of I so I will still use it in writing
when convenient.

So how is life after death?

Well frankly liberating.
No need to keep track of all the "I am" statements.

"I am a nerd."
No wait I should change that to "I am cool" now.

That's why affirmations are so fucking hard work...
You need to go in and manually edit every stupid idea you ever had about yourself.
Instead of realizing that yourself is a really bad idea.

How about just being?

Still need to manage old habits of course.
Those nerve bundles in the brain won't unwire themself you know.
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What is my status right now?

My motivation system is in ruins!
I have no motivation to do anything since I managed to burn thorugh every episode of Naruto.
The system got of track a long time ago anyway.
I need new goals and a rethink of the system.

I got a knee injury due to the cold winter last week.
That was when my motivation collapsed I guess. Had to sit still for 5 days by order of the doctor.
Watch cartoons was what I did.

So here I am like 400 episodes of Naruto done and the major reward for my system in short supply.
This feels weird.
I never imagined actually working so hard on my goals that I would run out of the motivating factor.
There wasn't that many left when I got my injury.

I guess it is a good thing to get to this void of meaning in  my life.
Else I would not have ranted and gotten a clue from StepVhen about self-image and such.

All I need to do is snap myself out of this daze and find new motivation material.
Is the fault in having external motivation?
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Having written several posts on my blog here I now come full circle and ask myself why i do it.
Why do I write here?

On one level I write here to get support, on another it is just weird approval-seeking.
Like I have to show you guys how hard I'm working to improve myself.

Look at me! Look at me!

I have made a big motivational system that works as long as I can impress people with it.
Look how hard I'm at work improving myself!
Cause if I shut up about it I would get demotivated.

Look at me! Look at me!

Why do I feel this compultion to tell and show others what I have accompliced?

Everybody else feels it too so I'm hardly uniqe, but we hardly care about that since
we are so stuck in our heads with our own story. Our own path to "greatness".
But can we be great without witnesses?

Approval-seeking and validation. Are here no end to them?
1 Comments | 481 Views
Lately I've been very problem oriented.

This is wrong with my life, and that and that and THAT!!!

Like if some stranger reads my posts here he will think that I'm struggling.

Acctually I've been doing rather good. lately.
All areas is increasing, even though I may be having a problem mindset.

And of course many things may arbitrarily be wrong with my life based on my current ideals!
But using a diffenrent set of ideals would make me fantastically successful.

Still i need to be more solution oriented.

Go out more.
Talk to more girls.
Be more proactive in my work.
Meet new guys and make friends with them.

Simple really once you move from problem to solution.
Ah why are alle the good answers so obvious that you feel like a dumbass when you find them...
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I have such a huge need for validation and approval.

How would I act differently if I didn't have a need for validation?
How would I act differently if I didn't need womens approval?

I've been playing the game of being serious, structured and predictable all my life.
Cause I belived that others would not approve of me being otherwise.

I acted the way I belived others would approve of me.

Well I'm trough with needing approval for my actions.
I don't care what others think about me anymore.

The thing is that even tough I say all this.
Since I have been so deep in approvalseeking behavior, my change in attitude
will not show up on many peoples radar.

Cause I may be a bit less approval seeking, but I will still have alot of habits kicking in.
Approvalseek habits that I need to turn. And that takes time and effort.

However I'm well on my way to getting there!
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Listening to the blueprint again, and I heard the term resisance again...
Duh I've been resisting all this time and transforming it to anger.

What you resist perist.

Hmm I feel like I've been running in circles all this time.
I know that I have dealt with alot of stuff and have risen to a higher level.
I have done many things this last year that was only a vauge dream two years ago.

It's all because of me havig a high ideal of what I want and feeling that I'm not moving towards it
fast enough that I'm complaining.

I have no real problems... I have food, clothes, a roof over my head, a family, some friends, a job....

So all this other stuff is just me breaking trough my own resistance.
I try to force myself to do new stuff that feels uncomfortable.
Being outside my comfortzone more.

Looking back on my life that comfortzone is HUGE compared with any other period of my life.
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I have certain boundaries in my life.

But one I find hard to maintain is saying no when people ask me to do something.
Or lending them something etc

I need to do that more because I often feel like a pushover.
Saying yes when I want to say no.

I put others wishes over my own!

I hate that...afterwards I'm mad as hell!

But really I have no one else to blame than myself since I said yes to begin with.

I need to put aside time to deal with those issues specifically if I'm to deal with them.

Time the thing that we waste on everything else than what is nessecary...
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Just saw Tylers last video and it hit home.

Not wanting to deal with the cold approaches cause I feel above it.
Reatreating like the king to my shelter.

I started thinking about the king in warcraft 2 when the orcs win in the end video.
Like the orcs are banging on the door and he calls out for his guards.

I went into that world alot lately, but found it was just CRAZY!!!
Dealing with that crazyness saw me retreating to my martial art skills alot.
Knowing that you can tear a path of death helps your confidence when
random people are getting in your face or a situation with a girl turns bad.

Not that I would try to start a fight, but knowing that I can deal with a fight if it starts
helps alot mentally.


What I realized was that I've made my room into a shelter I retreat to.
And I find it hard to accept other peoples random stupid shit.

As Tyler said, just got to see the humor in it!
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