I've been trying to stay afloat in this wild wild world.
Good things and bad things have passed.
I feel I've made progress in some inner game areas so it is all good.
What do I mean by that?
I've had tons of it by my standards, and have come out on top on some major issues.
Saying NO when I don't feel like doing something.
So so hard...
Having the guts to push into unfamiliar territory in work. (Helps me in a way)
Meeting new people. Big one!
Learned a lot about psychology. Very valuable.
I now know that my MBTI is INFJ not INTJ. (for those that care)
I'm the sensitive confict avoidant type. (Story of my life...)
And before you start giving me crap about this stuff not working and blalblabla,
realice the simple fact that knowing my type I found a extensive howto,
on how people who think like me can set boundaries and better their life in general.
Witch ties directly into CONFLICT!
I've back on thinking positive in situations involving lots of people.
Thing is that I feel their collective eyes on me when thinking about doing stuff like this.
I've always been aware of the collective mood in a way.
I felt it was smothering. Doing the most basic RSD stuff felt like a chore to me.
Like running trough water.
However running trough water is very good exercise. =D
I know you guys have all this advice. Like tons and tons... (Really good)
However covering even 0,1% of all the advice is enough for me.
I mean how could you possibly expect anyone to do all that stuff?!
All you can do is chose an area and work at that until you get it.
So I've just watched Tylers last two vids on entitlement.
That was a bit different perspective on this whole issue.
I'm glad I wrote down my own view first before I watched that, since then I can't
bullshit my way out of the fact that I was a little of base.
So Tyler says that entitlement is intention plus freedom from outcome.
And the way I understand it now is. How hot does that girl have to be
before I start having problems acting normal around her while doing
any point on my list.
Cause I ranked thise things on how comfortable I was in general with those things.
But it is very different with a hot babe vs a chubby ugly girl.
Point well taken.
This needs experimentation.
At least now I have a pretty good idea what the deal is!
I've came to realize today that I have a very low sense of entitlement.
So naturaly this is where I'm refocusing some of my efforts for some time.
So where do I start?
No idea actually...
The more I think about it the more I get the feeling of being in foreign territory.
I'll start with defining what I belive entitlement is.
Entitlement is beliveing that you deserve to get something to such a degree that
helping yourself to it at any time feels natural, as it should be.
Me and women is a different story. I don't feel that I can help myself to women.
I often have an internal dialouge when an opportunity presents itself that argues wheter
it is right of me to make a move now. Or if I should wait.
Oftentimes I fall on the option to do nothing. Not that I wouldn't wish it wasn't this way,
but that is the facts, straight up how it goes.
Thinking more about this makes it obvious, that not only do I have this with women.
But this is a general theme in many different situations.
I often hesitate to help myself before being given permission.
I'm waiting for someone to give me permission...
In life in general...
Okay that helped my understanding on where I'm at.
So now what?
How do I move this in the direction I want?
What categories of "dishes" are served in this women department anyway?
Eyecontact. (No problem)
The smile. (Struggling)
Striking up a conversation. (Very hard)
Holding hands. (Almost never)
Kissing. (Only when drunk or in total privacy)
Undressing. (Every blue moon)
Sex. (Only if I pay....)
This is just an of the top of my head scribbling of the areas that I feel are involved when
it comes to helping oneself to what is there.
(Feel free to add a better model if you think it is flawed)
It seems to me that entitlement goes to the core of this whole pickup deal, at least for me.
Lets look at the first problem that crops up for me.
How can I make it easy for myself to smile at pretty women?
The answer that comes up for me is do it more.
Yeah how obvious...
Never seen that coming...
So I should just do it more....
I can hear my subconcious protest already...
Oh well, got to do, what you got to do!
Had a wake up call today.
It is not as important why, just that I did.
The usual structure of my life has imploded on many levels,
by my own choice most of them, but not all.
It feels weird!
Parts of me want to go negative, give up, lay down, admit defeat.
Another part tells me this is a great opportunity for big change.
"It is only after you have lost everything you are free to do anyting."
I once heard. True on many levels.
I've thrown away alot of baggage lately, and some was even taken from me.
It shows and I feel it. Especially the part that where taken.
Attachments and illusions broken like fragile glass.
I just felt like expressing this somewhere. Just get it out and done with.
It all boils down to the fact that nothing means anything until I give it meaning.
I feel very proud right now for letting that attachment go without giving it any residual negative meaning.
I can now go on knowing that I will be allright even though I just experienced what before
would have been an emotional earthquake.
Yeah baby no hurt feelings here, only calm acceptance! =D
Marked day was a success!
Though my approach and planned line didn't pan out as expected.
I still got alot of exposure and got into some unusual situations for me.
The best was two blond girls handing out flyers having a couple of minutes of me teasing
them on their product.
A good day!
Today is market day!!!
A whole shopping street crammed with people and no cars!
I have my battle plan ready and are ready to approach lots and lots of hot girls!!!
The concept for today is demanding more from strangers.
I always feel that I shouldn't bother other people with my problems.
So to day I will deliberatly imposition girls and see what happens.
I will ask for directions to a street a couple of blocks down the road.
That most havn't heard of.
When they predictably will say that they havn't heard of it.
I will ask if they have GPS on their mobile phone, cause my gps function is broken.
It is even true that is how I came up with it.
It is not much, but I feel I need to start small and build on this area.
After I've gotten warmed up who knows what I'll try.
I was out today on my new daygame project.
Today I challenged my comfort zone in the following way.
I started at the top of a busy shopping street and had as a mission to enter
all the shops and see what happened, no matter what they sold.
Man did I feel out of place in many of those.
Walking into a small cramped flowershops with only one selling lady and me...
Quzicly getting asked: "Can I help you?"
Afterwards I felt like a hero though.
Got into some good convos with selling staff in some of the shops.
A good start I must say.
Nothing happening at the boundaries front so I shut that project down for now.
I've decided to work on my daygame again.
Heading out now with a plan to condition myself to approach
more beautiful women on the street more often.
It doesn't seem as nerve wreaking as it once did!
But that does not mean I do it willingly without pressure or reward.
Now all I need to do is abandon my computer and walk trough that front door.
I've become more aware of what my boundaries are and being able to state a position
even though there are many other interests at stake that I may trample or distort.
The hardest part is keeping my mouth shut when there is request for information I do not want to give.
I have gotten to a point where I manage to express disaproval of others action towards me
without becoming what would be labeled as angry.
It is still not easy, but I've successfully pulled it of a couple of times now.
Cause being too much angry is not good for my stomach at all.
I can now be assertive to a certain degree.
I'm still no superhero at this, but my results are encouraging.
Being assertive has so many advantages.
Of course a lot of people around me doesn't like when their maipulative, controlling behaviour fails.
No one likes to be in a situation where the "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" becomes all too obvious.
I don't care all that much anymore.
And the odd thing was that I cared before.
I felt that not going along with manipulative behavior was my bad somehow.
That I was creating the situation by not bowing down to the bullshit.
I still feel that way...
But not as strongly, and I will make it my new project to stop doing that!!!