bagua's Blog

Threw away piles of old books and clothes today.

Stuff that held me back, took up space etc

It was hard, but good to get done.

Will do more tomorrow!
Cleanup time!!!
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Just when you think you are on track you get some awakening telling you that you are FAR behind the field.
I shouldn't compare myself to others, but sometime I just do, and it hurts like hell.
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To many changes at one time.

I tripped over my dick and slid right back to watching porn.
In a weak moment I undid my filter and was back at it.

That is the problem with an external source to stop you.
It just becomes an obstacle that can easily be undone  with enough pressure.

I've overdone it in terms of expectations to myself in a way.
I need to rethink my approach to this area.

I have learned quite a bit from this ordeal, both about computers and my drives/motivations.
One thing is for sure.
I'm so happy I'm not a drug addict, cause this proves it would be hell to extract oneself from it.

I've watched a lot of Jon Steward today.
Funny guy, but not what I should be focusing on.
Still I've taken a lot of postive action the recent days in many areas.
So my backlash may come from an issue of me not feeling deep down that I deserve the course that
I've gotten myself onto.

This is only a temporary setback.
I will find a way to get over these issues.
How can I do it? (To self and others)
It is part porn addiction, part computer/internet addiction.
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I think I've quite trough with thinking trough my past.
I will focus on the future and now.
Been there done that!
Now to sleep!
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I've written down every bad, from my point of view experience that I can remember.
From about 3 years old and up until about 12 years old.
Those I can't remember can't be much of a burden anyway.

What I find is that a lot of pretty insignificant things get blown up to this major story about
me and my failings snowballing out of control as the years go by and emotions are added
almost in layers over the experiences.

What I find is that most of the things are so random.
I could have taken a left turn instead of a right turn one day and it would never have happened
that way.

But here I'm holding myself back with things that happened over 10-20 years ago
that was totally random, happened to a litle kid that had no idea what was going on
at the time and is layered with some meaning some random person passed on to me
in a just as random situation.

BUHU poor me for going trough this traumatic life!!!
I feel very confident right now, like much of the burden is lifted just by having it written down.
It is like all my sins have been forgiven or something.

I will continue this thread in a while.
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I've taken to reflect on my life and how it relates to the areas I struggle with here.
I then with the help of Robbins have looked on the submodalities of my different experiences.

I have had a knack of blaming my Christian upbringing for all my troubles.
It had it's part to play, but other factors weigh just as heavily.
Key memories of my young self play a vital part on how I see myself.

Many of those carry a distinctive low status feeling.
I never felt that I was with the cool kids, I never understood them or their ways.
I was weak and easy to bully.
I was afraid of being made fun of and got myself into several unhelpful situations because of it.

Regardless of what happened back then I'm carrying the meaning I put on it back then today.

I have several situations where I feel disempovered even today because what happened.
It is like the meaning I have carried is that, because of these situations my life is set to never
be fulfilling.


I'm going too reinterpret every one of the episodes of my life that disempower me until
I firmly belive that my life is better because of what happened.
Not worse of BETTER!
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I feel that I'm moving in the right direction mentally now.
Quitting porn has made the females around me more interesting.
I'm noticing several subtle changes in my behaviour.
It seems that others are noticing them as well.

Have read a lot more Tony Robbins and refreshed all the things that helped me so much when
I used them 5 years ago. I now get them on a whole other level and I'm using them to make
sweeping changes to many areas of my life.

Another thing I've sacrificed is watching starcraft casts.
I'm not addicted to them so I just had a symbolic moment where I deleted the bookmark of my
favorite commentator.

I then sat down and completed watching the last 3 episodes of a war series called Sharpe.
I considered sacking it too, but since I only had 3 left I decided to watch them as a reward for
dropping the starcraft casts.

So now I have 3 less distractions comming from my computer.
No porn, no starcraft casts and no pending series to watch.

Only thing that I still do is watch the new episode of Naruto each week.
It is only 20 min not much time when you think about all the time I've spent on other stuff.

I had a funny thing happen to me yesterday!
Found 200 crowns lying in a dich in the pouring rain while walking home.
That is like $40 US I think.
Lucky me! =D

Anyway as soon as I've gotten my habits under control I will be able to dedicate much more energy
towards ares such as this.

I still have a long way to go, but I feel that I have a real shot of getting where I want to go.
Where do I want?
I want into a future where I don't feel like I'm a second rate citizen.
Where I can have sexual relationship with attractive females without feeling like I've doing something bad.
Where I feel free of the mental shackles imposed on me by seventh day adventism.
A world where I decide what is good for me not everybody else.

I feel better already!
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This no porn thing is killing me.
And thing is that I've still allowed to jerk-off as long as I don't do it to porn.
I realized that I wouldn't have a chance if I was to cut both at the same time.

And so far I've gotten to see the extent of my urge for watching porn.
In a weak moment, I found a way around my filter.
A dent in my self imposed wall.

It made me relapse for two days now before I got a handle again.
I've solved the way around the filter and I'm back at it.

You've got to learn from stuff like that, it will teach you about your weak spots.
And then with continual improvement it will get harder and harder to do the wrong thing.

On a side note I've doing some stuff Alex taught me about approaching in public.
Found a paper he gave us about it, and I'm going trough the steps one by one.
Great stuff!

Doing all this is putting my motivation to a serious test, I'm finding that my attention is limited and
my work is starting to suffer in the way that I forget things and postpone stuff.
But hey no pain no gain, worst thing I lose my job and have to sleep on the street... (Not likely! A joke!)
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I've decided to sacrifice porn!

It will not be easy!
I've decided that I'm not allowed to use the computer or images of women to get off.

To ensure that I don't relapse as easy as before I have put up a filter preventing me from
getting at porn easily.
Having the obstacle that I need to uravel, inorder to search for porn makes it easier to stop myself.
And yes I've had to admit that I'm addicted to that stuff.

It is definitly a factor in preventing me the success I want with women.
Since if I've jerked off in front of the computer, I'm not really that motivated to go meet women.
I get lazy and complacent and when I do go out I'm not as interested in getting some as I could be.

I installed the filter on Thursday I think, so I'm on the third day basically.
(Not even thinking clearly about time)

It is interesting to observe my habits kick in and then see them slam into the filter wall.
Having the realization that OBS I would have cracked now if it wasn't for the filter.

Before when I wanted to stop, I would start before thinking and
by the time I found the porn-page it would be too late since seeing naked women
drove all sense from my mind.
Only after I was finished would I think. Dammit!!! I was supposed to stop that...

I only write this here because I'm more confident that I will make it this time.
Cause now I have a great way to channel the urge.
You feel tension?
Well there are a lot of sexy women outside!
Why don't you go talk to them???

I think this will be great!!!
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So I basically played with my recording tool for a bit and read some Robbins.

Then it hit me under a pain or pleasure exercie that I always wanted to make instructional videoes.
I just never dared in fear of criticism.

I started right up and made a couple of vids that amused me a lot.
And then I uploaded them.

They are crappy and super amateur, but it was good practice for my voice and fear of criticism.

Here they are for anyone interested:

Feel free to give feedback on my monotone norwegian accent trying hard to read a prewritten script. XD
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