Today was a good day.
However I need to push more when I'm in situations that are within my reach.
In my defence I had a fucking headache that eminated from the neck.
(A neckwarmer helped a lot)
Not much more to be said than that I need a good night sleep.
I have many minor insecurities.
By themself they are not a big deal, but lumped together they become a big weight.
So I have a big focus on when they are triggered.
They all seem to be linked up to worrying about what people are thinking about me.
So it is back to rule 1.
In fact when I feel an unsecure feeling I interupt my pattern and say loudly to myself.
Rule number 1! (Who cares what they think!)
It works like a charm, however I will probably have to do that for several months before I get most of
them weeded out.
Still already I'm seeing marked differences in my life quality.
Getting rid of some pesky insecurities that have bothered me for over a decade.
I've been pushing myself in the "right" direction and suddenly all sorts of shit start happening.
People act so different around me.
And that triggers all sorts of weird thoughts and actions in me.
It is like my unconcious is revolting against being treated so well.
My biggest obstacle right now is not what is going on outside in the real world,
but all that stuff in my head, the hidden emotional landmines that my previous life has left behind.
Still my reactions to "bad" stuff happning is SOOO much better and balanced than they used to be.
Me 5 years ago would be crawled up in a fetus position instead of being annoyed by
having to deal with this shit.
I can certainly understand where David X was comming from when he said that there are two types
of respect. Fear and admiration. I seem to inspire fear when I eliminate some of my chode behaviours.
I may be a bit over the top since I probably have a lot of compensating behaviours that gave me
respect even though I acted like a bitch.
Truth is that I'm not entirely sure what the fuck is going on in many of my interactions since they feel so alien to me.
I've been working on not caring what other people think both good and bad.
I should care about what I think and no other.
It is a badly ingrained habit to try to mindread others espeacially women.
I try to predict their reactions to all sorts of things when I in fact should not bother about it.
Becoming aware of this is a slow and painful process that I have to go trough.
Cause I say to myself. Who cares!
And guess what deep down I do care and women pick up on it.
It is probably one of the things that are keeping me back the most.
If I could let this one go it would be such a relief.
However it is like it's on autopilot or something.
The way I deal with it is having a note in my pocket.
Rule number 1!
Rule number 2!
The very rules that David X came up with.
It is working, but it takes alot of effort.
Oh hell if it was easy everybody would do it...
I have come out on to mentally in this transition period that I've gone trough lately.
For the first time I don't feel inferior just because there is ambiguity in a relationship or because
I could have done something better.
I know that my choices determine my actions and sometimes things will become different
than what I imagined it to be. That doesn't mean that I did anything wrong however.
I get that now. Not being able to do something because of unforseen factors does not reflect badly on me.
Earlier I would freak out if I had a vision for a relationship and something unexpected happened.
More often than not something unexpected happened and I went into superchode recovery mode.
Now I just note that something new is going on and adapt to the new reality as soon as I've overridden the
habit of freaking out.
Another thing that is new is that I'm getting so much positive feedback from women that I'm attratctive that
I've started to belive it.
This is a new reality for me that need time to solidify, but I will not let it slipp. It is too good for that!!!
Sometimes you have to take stock of how invested you have become in some girl and ask how come...
What has she done to deserve this massive attention of your mental energy.
Often she has done nothing other than having a nice body.
Today I started treating a girl that I've slowly have become more needy toward as she logically deserves
to be treated in light of what she have done to get my attention, besides shaking her ass.
And that is almost ZERO!
She have some small redeaming things that makes it appropriate to achnowledge her presence etc...
But that is about it.
She immediately started acting different towards me, wanting to know stuff, asking questions.
My attitude was that I really didn't feel that I had anything I wanted to say or do with this person
at this moment. I was just indifferent.
It was a very good attitude since it brings up no negative feelings, is not permanent, but flexible to
whatever happens, makes you very non needy while keeping yourself balanced.
That is my take on it anyway.
I have gotten myself into unfamilliar territory lately and I'm trying to get my bearings without making it
totally obvious that I'm not familiar with what is happening.
My life is taking a turn for the better slowly, but surely.
There is no turning back now that I have gotten a taste for the good life.
Today was a emotional rollercoaster.
However I managed to keep my cool and even retreated to a nearby empty stadium to do some Tai-Chi
when things got too tough for me.
In the end I got myself to move in the direction I wanted.
To think positive about the situations in my life and not get dragged into negativity and self doubt.
Any moment I can choose to feel really bad or really good over a bunch of arbitrary stuff.
It sounds so easy when you say it, but when the feelings hit you it's a whole other ballgame.
I'm dead tired now and will go to bed soon, just wanted to end this day on a highnote!
I have two new girl flatmates that just moved in...
It is both hell and paradise.
Anyway I'm starting to get a one-itis one one of them.
It all started when she decided to walk from the shower to her room with a bare ass and a t-shirt
yesterday morning. Right in front of me.
Since then I've been thinking about her and her FINE ass WAY too much.
I'm thinking that if I make a move it has to be serious since we live together.
So I'm not sure that is a good idea.
Anyway I'm doing my buissnes as usual not making a big deal out of it and just working on my
body language around them.
Trying to get the bonus of having hot girls to feel the tensions and negative patterns that come forward
when I'm around them and eliminate them.
BTW: My life is taking off in a big way and this is just venting to keep me from doing unhelpful chode stuff.
I'm having a lot of progress in body language and voice right now.
Many things are just clicking and I get into all kinds of new situations.
I also have whole new classes of problems that I have no idea how to deal with.
It is kind of wexing, knowing that the only response you know to it is nothing or the totally wrong thing.
So I do the nothing thing since I can't bring myself to actually do what I know is wrong.
However this seems to be weirding people out to a certain degree.
But it is a new kind of weirded out. (If that is what it is)
It is sort of an insecurity about me.
I have gotten as far as understanding how it was wrong to do nothing, and that I should have
been playful and touching.
It will probably be allright I guess, but it kinda eats at me and makes me insecure.
I may just be spinning this whole deal in my head that is not as bad as I imagine it.
And that is the point of writing this post.
Just to express how I feel here instead of taking my feelings and doing stupid chode stuff again.
To say you know what, I had this nagging feeling, it made me cringe and wanna act stupid,
but now I'm over it!
So I have done some throwing away and today was some shopping.
I knew what I wanted and sought it out.
Tried to use stronger voice than I usually use to all the store people.
And let me tell you they respected me. I could feel it.
Some where even intimidated!!!
One girl where like standing there trying to persuade me, and nervously freaking a bit out with her arms.
I was not nice, but not an ass eighter. I was just assertively telling them what I wanted.
Rejecting everything that wasn't too my interest.
Telling them what was not okay.
It was good practice and I felt that I understood the difference.
In some situation it was hard to use that tone and I had to concentrate.
I think my voice is one of the weakest aspects right now so I should really focus on it a lot.
I feel a bit bad when I use stronger voice like I'm stepping out of bounds.