bagua's Blog

bagua
 
Lets be honest.
I'm actually angry right now.
It took me some time and the sound of my fist slamming into my desk to realize it.

However since I've not depressed anymore the anger is quite different from the anger of the past.
It is a more focused expanding energy that wants to inflict pain on someone.

Behind it is the feeling of.
Why the fuck does I have to deal with this shit?
Why do I have have these insecurities that these girls can push on.
Why the fuck did that happen to me?

All I wanted was to be nice and share a moment with a girl and this is the thanks I get.
Public ridicule.

Now I know that these questions are quite unhelpful.
But fuck it!!!

Now how can I go forward?
That is the thing...
I resent the person I see I'm about to become.
I don't really want to become like this.
I feel like I have to become this cruel and heartless bastard with rockhard impenetrable boundaries.
From the frame I had before it is like I'm becoming the devil himself.
And all this because I wan't some loving...

It makes you want to reject this world.
But I know that the price of that is either death by your own hands or going to some
buddhist temple to meditate the rest of your life away.

I don't think that those are realistic options, especally the first one.
Though the second one have apeal on some level.

I guess I don't want to be rejected that is all.
I want intimacy, but fear it's concequences.
More than anything I don't want to reject anyone else.
It is hard to explain, but I feel like I'm even more bad if I say NO to some girl.
I will hide my opinions, expectation and wants if I feel that they will make someone else feel rejected.
I don't know why, maybe I don't want to become the "monster" that I feel have mistreated me myself
in the past.

When it comes to the girl, I'm actually conflicted.
I have made the decision to not want her as a girlfriend, but still a part of me hates that tought.
I felt really tense today when a friend of mine told me she had ridiculed me at a party to several
people. In a way she is making me into the "monster" I don't want to be.
She is forcing my had, she and all the other people who pushes my buttons and prods the
holes in my boundaries.
They want to see if they can crack me and how much pain I can take.
Oh well...
I'll show them all. I'll set real firm boundaries. I will make my needs a priority.
I will tell them. Fuck you! You don't decerve my concern anymore.
My kindness isn't available anymore. It is spent.

But that makes me sad and angry in a way.
That to get a good life, I have to take it that far.
Cause it seems to me that the more I rise myself to stand up.
The bigger the sticks people start to hit me with.
The more brutal and vicious the attack on my character become.
I'm starting to entertain toughts about everyone being evil.

Okay enough about my regrets....

Lets get some better questions!
How can I stay happy and motivated?
How can I look for the good in people?
How can I have firm boundaries in a healthy way?

Hmm that wasn't too bad...
I think I can make this work over time once I get over feeling like a victim.
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Comments

#1

Tritium

Member

Join Date: 06/21/2012 | Posts: 38

Alright,

Just wanted to offer some words of consolation that may or may not sound douchy to you:

I understand that right now you are feeling hurt, but recognize the following in yourself: the post above was not from truly who you are, but from the aspect of your personality that is the child-like drama queen saying "Oh they took away my candy (ie girl didn't want to be girlfriend) so now I'm going to be evil and the world and/or kill myself"

My friend, there are better girls out there for you
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#2

humble1983

Junior Member

Join Date: 06/25/2012 | Posts: 9

Ya man,life fucken hurt's.Don't look so down on what you will become man.I think your really misunderstanding what these guy's are trying to say.I'm no expert but from what I understand so far from the teaching's here isn't about what  you think it is.You want to go kill yourself,go right the fuck ahead budy but before you pull that triger just remember,you are a lucky fuck to be who the fuck you are man.If you pull that trigger I'll find your ass in the after life and beat the shit out of you for throwing away such an awesome gift.I can tell your a good guy and if you hang in there and read into what Owen and the rest of the guy's say and stick to it then you can lead a happy life.

[=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, 'Bitstream Vera Sans', sans-serif]How can I stay happy and motivated?
Well you can start by realizing you should be greatful for your life.Every second that you get to be alive is a gift.Ya it hurt's but your on the right track for happyness if you stick to self improvement and realize your value as a man.Becoming a Monk is cool but if you choose to stay here in the land of beautiful women you should really consider reading up on what the Budha had to say.That man was the true master of iner game.I suggest "[/]in my own words" by the dalai lama.That man could steel Owen's girl if he chose to.[=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, 'Bitstream Vera Sans', sans-serif]
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[=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, 'Bitstream Vera Sans', sans-serif]How can I look for the good in people?
There is no such thing as good and eveil,only suffering.All people are good,they are just really confused.Forgive and love all and don't cause pain to anyone.This doesn't mean you can't fuck allot,just don't cause anyone real damage.There are many girl's I wouldn't fuck because I know if I don't date them it will cause them real pain but most girl's will be fine.Just don't lie or lead them on or karma will get your ass.
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[=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, 'Bitstream Vera Sans', sans-serif]How can I have firm boundaries in a healthy way?
Saying no is not hurtful to a girl.If she freak's out then she has some iner games of her own to work out.If you get with a girl you don't like then in the end you will only hurt her worse.you can't save the world.you must be happy within yourself if you wish to benifit other's.If you really feel that bad then go do some cherity work but don't give what you don't have.

Your "I'll become a monster"theory is all fucked up man.You won't be a monster,you will just realize your self worth and from that your standard's will go up.You know what a monster is,a guy that will lie to himself about a women's true value because he is to scared to be alone.You will confuse and hurt women worse then you ever could imagine.This program is desined to make you the man your future wife deserves.you will have lot's of sex with other women first but in the end(I can tell this about you)you will have became a strong confident leader that can truly make your future wife happy.When an advance PUA takes a wife she know's he loves her for her,not because he can't get better.

How do I use the spell check in here?I could tell you lot's about math,science ect but I can't spell for shit.




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#3

humble1983

Junior Member

Join Date: 06/25/2012 | Posts: 9

 [=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, 'Bitstream Vera Sans', sans-serif][=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, 'Bitstream Vera Sans', sans-serif] I don't know were that shit came from.not suppost to be there[/]
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#4
bagua

bagua

Respected Member

Join Date: 04/26/2010 | Posts: 355

Interesting that you would respond in that way just because I philosopically touched on suicide.
Listen guys, even though the tone of this post sounds really unstable it is because I gave the
microphone to the part of me that is insecure and angry.

This is to stop hiding my feelings about the issue.
If you read the previous blog post you will get how my general state of mind is.

From your replies it is clear that you don't get what my situation is. :-/
I never said she didn't want to be my girlfriend.

Actually I'm the one who doesn't want a relationship with her.

My anger stems from a buddy of mine hearing her bad-mouth me at a party.
It was about something that happened when one of my insecurities shined through.
So now I felt my insecurity made fun of.
I felt that like a blow to my stomach.

Probably she was just bragging about having me chasing her.
Since none of the other girls present at that party has managed that feat.

However the chasing stops now.
I've identified what I did wrong with her.
Staying in a situation that didn't serve me. Giving my power away slowly, bit by bit.
And when my power got low enough I got insecure did something impulsive and
got into a bit of a needy mode.
That lasted for maybe 10 minutes, before I said out loud "WHATEVER".
She knew that something had changed and was all upon me,
but it was too late I didn't want her anymore.

In the end I walked away from her first. Rejecting following her around anymore.
Rejecting a hug, that made her run after me to get one anyway.

Still after I managed to take my power back, I got to hear about her telling people about
how I was insecure and needy with her. That hurt. I didn't like that. It got me angry.

So just to reiterate.
My post is about me comming to terms with my anger of feeling ridiculed about my insecurity.
I of course touch on how I'm not comfortable with being more powerful too.
How I almost feel like a monster/devil.
That should be easy to understand from my Christian background.
When you do the stuff we learn here you act like you are possesed by the devil.
It triggers social conditioning in me.

I appreciate you trying to cheer me up.
However I'm in a different place than it might seem from my posts
and your posts just seem weird from that place.

You are totally right about there being better girls for me out there though. :)
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