bagua's Blog

I've been having this denial thing going on.
Basically it came down to that certain things the RSD people where saying didn't
apply to certain types of women.
The specifics of the denial don't matter, what matters is that I got it in my face
that it does apply to them big time. This made me a bit depressed.
Some idealistic part of me didn't want the world to be that cruel and heartless.
So I like said that only part of women where like that.
And has this idea that RSD wasn't privy to x, y, z and therefore was only partly right.
But no I was fucking wrong. All girls are genetically programmed to act this way.
There is no "nice" girls. They are "cruel" and "heartless".
Now of course they can be caring and stuff, but when it comes to mate selection
none of that shit matters.

My biggest sticking point right now is being able to be more cool than another guy without feeling sorry for him.
I'm unsure how to do that. I kinda just wanna be evil right now.
Make others hurt and shit, since no one gives a fuck and nothing really matters.
It so easy too. Objectively at least.
In reality I have all these blocks and shit.
But girls will like set up a "competition" between you and some other guy and kinda have you duke it out. I feel it is insulting. And don't wanna participate.
But then both the guy and girl kinda conspire to like make you suffer.
And when they are not successful cause you think to highly of yourself to let
them affect you. You can see that they feel bad about you not feeling bad.
How fucked up is that?
Like I'm wondering if I can ever wish something well on anyone else again.
Like to me it seems that nature wants me to be evil to succeed.
Now that is obviously not true, but that is how it feels right now.
I'm kinda depressed, and if I hadn't worked so hard on the control issues
and the worth issues it would be even worse.

Still this is just a wenting thing for me.
I realize that I'm gping trough some very hard situations right now.
Any other period of my life would hve just made me crumble,
so in a long term perspective it is good.
Might take me until Monday to get me straightened out again though.
Then all the people involved will be gone when I move on.
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