bagua's Blog

bagua
 
So I've arrived in Valencia.
The last days have been about me getting to terms with the idea of no control
and the first commandment of Alex.
There is no reason that you are not enough.

It has litterally opened my eyes.
I have become much less hesitant. I fear less that things will get out of hand.
And I also worry less about deserving the good things that happen.

Still this is a work in progress and both of these ideas are just in their infancy.
I need to really deal with a lot of shit to get to a better place.
Still the start is good and I will think and work on both of these each day.
I find that it is in the little situations where the most work has to be done.
Like those moments when you hesitate.
It seems to me that it is either from fearing the lack of control.
Or that you feel that you arn't enough for the situation, like you don't deserve it.
Mostly they are interwined. Like you imagine scenarios based on your lack
of percieved value. Then you want to avoid that scenario as you feel out of control.
If you add value you will not imagine bad scenarios in the first place.
But if you do imagine scenarioes, it is good to let go of the want to control it.

Gee this is getting just as tangled as I percieve it to be in real life.

Since I'm on a trip I've started putting little picture updates on facebook.
This is great as I get to slowly change how I and other percieve me.
I go from slightly dorky guy, and can slowly trough practice and trial and error,
get to present myself as a cooler guy. Both by hanging out with cooler people
and by acting more cool myself. I've started to notice a change in myself allready
and it is definately for the better.

Anyway, today was an interesting day.
Got to put myself into lots of interesting situations.
Every night I'm so fucking tired, both mentally and physically.
So I'm not holding much back.
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