bagua's Blog

bagua
 
Being dominant gives me no pleasure.
I hate it or at least dislike it enourmously.

I was brought up to be nice and cordial.
Having to be assertive and uncaring about other peoples bullshit is hard.

I feel like I'm in a warzone under siege.

I get really bad dark thoughts every time I realize that someone is defering to me.
Cause I used a deeper voice or a more dominant stance or whatever.

Is this all there is to this?? a lot of posturing and growling.

The one with the deepest meanest snear wins?
This shit is disillusioning.

I realize that I should use humor to diffuse things.
But that only makes me more sad.

Cause then I make people laugh so they don't discover that they have been owned.
Laughter is then a way to disconnect the rational mind and give a dose of tranqualizers
so we don't feel the pain of loosing...

Bah...
I hought I was disillutioned before...
At least I seem to be able to handle this view, but I don't like it one bit!!
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