bagua's Blog

(This turns in to a well needed rant, advice is not wanted as I know what to do, just wanna rant on the subjects)

So now that I'm on my feet somewhat I need some goals of some sort in this area.

From previous op and downs I've noticed that I've had a tendency to try to swallow over too much
at once leaving me demotivated and apathic sitting in front of my computer doing nothing.

So I shouldn't set to many goals at once, but rather give myself a few well reasoned goals seem
attainable and believable. To myself.

I would probably need some new friends as the ones I have now don't exactly help me forward.
More like dead weight around my feet.
I seem to construct these codependency relationships when I get unhealty.

I've practiced setting boundaries lately, letting certain people know that I won't deal with certain stuff.
If they find my new stance on the matter hard they can just stop contacting me.
Their problem isn't my responsibility. I see that clearly now, but earlier it wasn't so clear to me.
I was like some god damn Jedi knight out to save the galaxy and all the takers lined up to rob me of energy.

I'm going to start a new job soon and will probably get fresh impulses there.
And I'm getting to know a person that seems cool that live near me on some forum.
So I guess that is a start.

A reboot with all the baggage from earlier relationships not entering would suit me just fine right now.
As things stand now I can only say I know three people I really look up too.
All the others are people who crossed my path and who projected friendships onto me.
Very unhealthy people to be around for sure, sap the energy right from the soul.
Two of them are married, him I knew before the marriage and afterwards they have been a drag on my life.
She is nothing but trouble and seem bent on making life miserable in sublte little ways for everyone.
I think their marriage is the most I'll conceived thing I've ever seen.
They marriaged this summer and already there is resentment.
Since I hung out with him a lot before, I've kinda lingered longer than I've wanted and now
I find myself in an bad mix.

So I've made boundaries, that isn't something I'm very skilled at, but I get better.
My last boundary I think made her pissed.
I told her to stop making me outlandish proposals over sms.
She has a very religous and not very grounded view of life, and thinks that all that is needed is air and love
and Jesus will see us trough whatever I'll conceived idea she has.
And she want others to join in on it. So I told her that I didn't want anymore of those things raining in over sms.
She asked what I'd do if she continued regardless.
I told her I would simply block her number if she didn't have the decency to respect my request.
She didn't like that and I havn't heard from her since.

To me she is very manipulative and meddling, but I always have given people way too many chances.
I should have seen the signs before they got married and ejected then.
But I didn't and now I'm here and have to learn how to set better boundaries.
Still I can't bring myself to tell them to sod of.
I feel it would be more painful to me than them. So I'll just deny some "favours" that they enjoy at
my expence and let the takers move on once they figure I hold no value to them.
They certainly hold none to me right now. Most of the people they introduced me to have been more
dysfunctional than them on some levels. When they invite me over for some treat it is not a very
plesant atmosphere. I know what the problem is psychologically and the gap is not something
that can be fixed in anyway. So I rant here about it. This seem to be the only place where
any critisism isn't about how cruel I'm to view them this way, but rather how I'm such a to have the
problem in the first place.

Hehehe ah the irony. Anyway...
I kinda see a new path ahead. I need 1-3 new male friends that seem cool to me.
People that actually give value to my life instead of take it.
I know two of those, only one of them I see on a semi regular basis.
But having a goal is good.
That and ramping up the boundaries on the dysfunctional people around me.

Okay that is enough for now I have a direction and that is good enough for me.
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