bagua's Blog

I've realized recently with my efforts to let go of trying to control the situations
I'm in, that one common theme that comes up is my take on monogamy.
It is like I feel that any woman that has a good interaction with me,
is attracted to me or that I just like, somehow belongs to me.
Like I have this deep idea that I want to control her in the frame of being mine.

So since I realized this I'm trying an idea I'm unsure if I got from RSD
or from somewhere else.
The idea is simple. Every girl I meet is "the same girl".
Now obviously this isn't the case for real, but my projection onto girls
stay pretty constant. If I have a deep crush moment with one girl,
instead of making it about this physical person in question.
I just apply the feeling to women in general. Like I just fell deeper in love
with the "anima complex" inside me that I project onto women to take
a Jungian way of looking at it.

It seems to me that when I start to do this, my negative emotions toward them
disolve and I don't worry about how long or how deep my connection is with
any one girl at the moment. I'm just constantly interacting with femininity itself.

And that brings me to my second issue that I hope will work itself out with this
view of it. The issue of feeling that I never does enough in any one interaction.
It is like when I start to feel very deeply that the girl kinda overwhelms me
with her femininity. I can't think straight and does very little constructive.
I think I'm quite insecure about opening myself emotionally to women like that.
To me it seems like I have linked feeling good towards women with rejection.
Once I realize that I have no control and that all women can be viewed as one
I guess I was more open to going deeper emotionally. Not attaching any one
situation of relating and it's potential end as a threat too my feelings of connectedness.

I think Robbie Williams song Angels clued me in on this way of viewing it.

Sure on some level it is a big illusion, but no person you ever meet will
you actually connect for real with. Your deep feelings will never
really be communicated and you can't grasp what she is feeling either.
In a situation of feeling you really only have two people idealizing the other.
The only way that I see a resolution to this is to accept the idealized "angel"
image as the true lover and view the women you meet as incarnations
of this ethernal loving angel.
Otherwise you will just go on up and down swings of bliss interupted
by deep depressions. Or at least that is what I have gone trough.
The other alternative is to just go stone cold and just take the sex
and nothing more. For a feeling person like myself that is no real option.
I see no meaning to life if I have to give up the depth of feeling.
That is what I crave and want out of life.
Monogamy screwed up my view and made me committed to force
an idealized concept down on any one female unlucky enough to pass
by and get sucked into my black hole of desperation.
I feel that with this view I may soon heal myself emotionally
and have great times with many incarnations of my "female imagio".

Still I notice that on many levels I have a very firm monogamy frame.
No wonder since I grew up with the view.
Hopefully I will shed it piece by piece, so that having a woman with me for
5 seconds or 5 years become irrelevant, they are just me relating to the
same thing.
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