bagua's Blog

I had an experience yesterday.
It kind of went to the core of my anger issues.

I came home and passed the door of my neighbour which was
half open. (We share kitchen and bathroom)
I heard my neighbour say "My neighbour has returned home."
And a friend of his who was visiting replied "AH THE NERD!"

That hit home. I have not had anyone refer to me like that in a long time.
Granted I'm very skilled with computers, but I don't like to be called a nerd.

So I got mad. Me getting mad at this time in my life involves active use of breaking rapport in
tonality, arrogant bodylanguage and raising hell over small issues that I previously had let slide.

Not very mature, but at least I didn't entertain ideas of attacking anybody as I did last time
I got angry. And I have come to the conclution anyway that I'm not a mature person anyway...
(You got to accept where you are to make progress)

Anyway since I didn't overreact and do anythong out of line as I've done before my
neighbour apologized for his friends behaviour today.

So that still leaves me with a newfound insecurity about my technical skills.
I was offended because I doesn't "own" my ease with computers.
I'm afraid of beeing put in a category, that I on some level feel are somewhat right.

I do spend alot of time on my computer. I have played alot of computer games in my life.
I have control over it now.

*Summary of my life story basically up to now in relation to this stuff as I see it
since I need to stop hiding from the truth it's long and winding*

From the age of 13 until 18 that label fit me pretty well. I lost myself in the computer since that and martial arts was the only pasttimes that I was allowed to indulge in. Gouing out was out of the question. I was sent to a religious school to be brainwashed even further than sending me
to church every saturday from I was 3 had allready accompliced.

So I became very good at computers and kicking ass.
So when I was sent to the millitary at 19 I was very shy and if somebody verbaly abused me
I took it lying down.
Everybody assumed that I was a wuss to the core and hand NO fight in me.
But when one of then kicked me i whirled around and slapped him around.

A big paradox I know! The shy guy kicks the big macho guys ass.
But since my life up until then was just martial arts and computers I was very fit and could easily
jump and kick somebody in the face if I wanted.

But enough martial arts and computers, cause I had a problem I was notoriously shy.
When I was stationed in the north I got sent into a Captains office. He was to review me
since I was to handle sensitive information and needed to check me out in a interview.

After the interview he told me that under the whole interview he felt that he was being angry at me just because of my bodylanguage and inability to keep eye contact.
He advised me to work on keeping eye contact with people.
I was shooked because to me the interview seemed normal. He asked questions I answered.
And this bodylanguage thing I had never heard of.
I went to the base library and read all the books on psychology and related stuff.
I was there for 8 months doing nothing, but watching TV and training martial arts anyway
the military does wonders for the morale.

After the military I had NO idea what to do. I hang around at home at my parents playing
computer. For some months. Tried to get some jobs unsuccessfully. I had zero friends in that part of the country since all my classmates from college lived in different parts of the country.
Thanks to me being sent to an uber christian boarding school.

After a while of doing nothing in particular, a friend from college in the west of Norway said
he could get me a job at a salmon factory. I went over there on a interview got the job and moved 550 kilometers away from home.

Suddenly I was "free" from all my parents shackles.
I was so wrong. I soon began to flirt with girls in the area, but since was raised to
respect women much more than alot of you guys probably where. I was rejected
over and over. And then ones that didn't reject me at first did soon when they realized that I had NO skills with women, no clue, too much respect, lots of hang ups that made me do weird
things and the list goes on and on. I was frustrated beoynd messure. I knew that my religious upbringing had some of the blame. But I just tried harder. I went on the internet and typed in
how to pick up girls. And found the notorius I read some affirmations and belived that I was set. Yeah right...
Girls got some more interest, but lost it very fast when I turned into SUPERCHODE version
2 with new and expanded functionallity.

I then got my hands on David Ds book double your dating. And read about the consepts of attraction and all those concepts.
That book was good for me and I got my first kiss and later makeout after "one year" of trying to make it work.
Only to abandon the girl at my doorstep when she suggested that we have sex. Cause I freaked out.... (PAINFUL MEMORY)
That lead to a downward spiral that made me lose all my friends. So I quit my job and
moved back to Oslo.
I had saved a HUGE amount of money so I just sat around in my parents basement for free and played starcraft for 6 months, took martial art lessons and bought martial art books for 20 000 NOK or something around $3500.

After that I decided to go to a boaring school of type have fun playing sports and stuff and we will give you a diploma to show for it.
That was a wise decicion. I soon found out that of all the students 145 or something only 20 or so was male.
So now I it was a given that all my problems was over. I had Davids dvd programs. No problem right?
All I managed in one year was a make out and a short hand job from a young girl.
I did push my comfort zone ALOT that year. But I really realized how FUCKED UP I was.
So I started going to hookers. Remember I was loaded with money still. Lost my virginity at age 22 to an asian girl who took 1500 Nok for the pleasure.

At first I just thought that as soon as I got that handled the floodgates would open.
WRONG again. I only felt miserable and shameful. And now I just wnet back for more and more.
I probably spent something in the neighbourhood of 40 000 Nok on hookers. $7000.

Oh well who can blame me nobody else was putting out.

After the school was over I went back to Oslo.

I still didn't know what to do.
But I had caught the poker craze at school and belived that
could support myself on playing poker. Yeah right...

Though I didn't loose my winnings never amounted too much.

I STILL lived at my parents and I was ashamed by it.
But I had no job, and money was finally running out.
I also had gotten some debt on the school. 60 000 Nok.

So no I was broke in debt and living at my parents, had no job, no friends
that lived nearby and no girl. Life sucked even more kind of.

I went to the bookstore and looked at books even though I really couldn't afford any.
And I wandered over to the self help section.

There was this green book with this guy who had a big smile.
Awaken the giant within by Anthony Robbins.

So I bought it. The best choice I ever made so far in my life.

After reading it I got a job. Got a small room that I rented. Got in touch with an old classmate
from college with turned out to be gay... I stopped hainging out with him after a friend of his tried to hit on me,
I kicked his ass and sent him to the doctor for the effort.
The job was as an assistant in a kindergarden. I as so glad that I did that.
All that having to deal with children for 3 years helped me fix alot of my emotional issues
and deal with people much better.
I signed up for a mystery method bootcamp in stockholm after paying down my debt.
And away I went.
Oh shit... I learned alot from that. But I also noticed that the instructiors there.
Was VERY worried for me. They said that I had ALOT to work on. And gave me a program to follow.
Dude they thought I was screwed up beyond help. I could see it in their eyes.
The way they spoke to me.

But I took what they told me and practiced on EVERY girl I met in social setting.
I tried to go out alone, but was terrified and hid in a corner for the most part.
But I did some approaches from time to time and pushed my comfort zone
to a big extent when I look back at it now.
I also got a coulple of friends with my new skills who introduced me to alot of girls to practice on.

I then quit my job at the kindergarden and did nothing for a few weeks.
Then I got a job cleaning witch I still have. And started a one year school of accounting, law and bussines.
And that's when I read that Alex was coming to town.
I tought about it and said it doesn't hurt to hear what he has to say.

After listening to Alex I was really conflicted. Take or not to take.
So I marked that I was interested and when I got the call I said yes.
Took the bootcamp and I feel that this time there is a light in the end of the tunnel.

I'm glad to get all that off my chest and stop hiding my stupid story.
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