bagua's Blog

Today was last day at work.
So I was like...
Lets try and find some way to spice up the dynamic with some of the girls at work and see where it goes.
There was one in particular and two sideshow girls also.

Well I didn't get what I wanted in the sense of getting some real action from it.
But I did create some interesting situations around me and I had a lot of fun.
In the end I left with only smiles and hugs, but that was better than my fears yeaterday.
I was imagining people being upset with me and stuff.

So basic learning was that I can do a lot more than I think.

However I noticed that my "ego" in a lose sense felt a bit scared when stuff that I had never experienced
before panned out. I was like oh shit look at this.
So I didn't capitalize as much as I could on the situations I created as I could imagine doing.
I think that is key.
How much didn't I do that I could have done if I had not been scared.
Sure you can be too idealistic and dream up far fetched stuff that is unrealistic too.
But I don't feel that the stuff I refrained from doing was that.
Still done is done and I feel I did good.
I will have to work on that area of my game more, to push past the fear of rejection and just
be happy and going after "statepumps" rather than idealized validation situations.
Cause I guess that is what I'm doing, I'm dreaming up this nice scenario where I get validated.
And then I get outcome dependent on that scenario. Getting fear when it doesn't seem to move that way.
And stiffeling any intent in that direction cause you don't want anyone to know that you wanted that.
Lets pretend that I didn't want XYZ... XD
Gee how lame doesn't that sound when you spell it out. :-/
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