bagua's Blog

Trying to become this person who does what he wants is hard.
Harder then I thought.
Cause all I have in store for me is conflict, conflict in spades.
And there are a lot of areas that need fixing.
But meh, what I have accomplished lately is better than I've been able to do for a long time.
I've really gotten some interesting learnings, by taking actions in ways I never would
have done before.
Of course it hurts when that mean that I screw something up a bit and people end up
disliking me for something. And I feel that lack of validation.
Cause that is kinda what I'm going through right now when I think about it.
Validation withdrawal.
It screws up everything I think I'm doing and makes me withdraw and do stupid stuff.
Cause I can't handle it that certain people now don't validate my actions.
I guess I've been seeking validation a lot. And when I sometimes strike gold,
meaning I'm not rejected for my behaviours, then suddenly I get this rush of validation.
This on and off process often gets me a bit off balance.
Now I'm committed to following this path down to the bitter end.
I will become more focused on my own needs in relationships.
I know the how.
It is just the process of getting myself to actually do it.
Cause right now, I'm not able, I need to close the gap.
Closing the gap by doing stuff that are very similar, but milder versions of the same thing.
Start small and build essentially.
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Not being afraid of going for what you want.
Even when the odds seems stacked against you.
I've often late been put in a lot of situations I usually thought of as limited.
But lately I've come to recognize them as only illusionary limited.
I've started to change how I approach them and what actions I'm willing to take.
This new frame is revealing that I have a much wider range of actions available to me.

Off course I've kinda known this all the time abstractly.
But it is quite a different thing to think something and actually doing it.
Still I'm quite limited compared to several standards spoken about on this site.
But that is the thing isn't it?
If you look too much at the "sun" it will burn your eyes.
Rather one needs to use the light of the "sun" to have an easier time orienting in the world.
My actions will never coincide with the ideal, all I can do is move to the next level,
and then the next level and so on and so forth.

So yesterday I set up a whole new dynamic than usual,
it involved me being much more active and not dicking around.
I still ended up alone in my bed, just as I would have done if I did my usual response.
But I learned a ton of things about how many limits I've earlier had in my head,
where just that, illusions of my own making.

Now I will go do some dishes and listen to David X since I based myself partly
on his style of direct apparoach since it lets me push trough bullshit and
not dick around.
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I was watching the video of Tyler in the snow where he was talking about momentum.
It suddenly hit me how it worked on so many levels of my life,
and whenever I ever did something I had momentum, and how whenever I fail I don't.
More like I have this avoidance momentum that he described.

A good example is me learning Spanish.
Lately I've actively avoided that by jumping from activity to activity that does not include that.
But I still feel bad whenever I need to use that damn language and I've hardly imporved at all.

I also remember when I was running around in different situations and had decided on an
action, but when I arrived I started to build avoidace momentum instead.
Whenever I've succeeded I've built the opposite.

So it is nice to realize that the answer to these issues are just to fool yourself
to build a little bit of momentum. Like I'm only going to open the Spanish language site etc.
Or I'm only going to say Hi to some random person on the street.

Not much about me in this video, just wanted to repeat the idea in written form
to make it more tangible for myself.
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I met a Spanish 22 year old who looked like she was 16 yesterday.
Felt like I was almost a pedofile hitting her up.
She was the shy type trying to hide being pretty behind big glasses,
but didn't fool me. ;)
Now I just have to just imagine her as just another girl... :-/ LOL

As long as I keep toning down the importance of every girl I should be alright.
It helps having the Romanian girl and a spanish advertisment billboard girl on facebook.
There is something uniquely validating when that caliber of girls liking some
random post you make.

I recently posted this video up on facebook to set the new frame right,
with the comment.
"Riding solo, a very underestimated thing!"

It doesn't matter what it communicates to others as long as it communiqates to myself
that right now me and my life has highest priority.
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Working on the patterns of falling for every girl who gives me positive attention.
I've been able to do it so far lately, cause I'm focusing on my path instead of them.
And I've had some really interesting experiences lately who showed me how much
I've fallen into such patterns.

I met this really hot, girl and I didn't manage to let go of the old frame.
I've referered to her as the Romanian girl earlier.
Anyway, this experience taught me some very important lessons.
And I'm on my way to capitalize on these lessons. :)
I have much higher standards, and I don't think too much about any particular girl
when they are not around. Instead I'm focusing on myself and the goals I'm setting
for myself. Now this is obviously not easy, and you make mistakes,
but you just have to pull yourself up one level at a time.

The "no reason to not be happy" is still golden and have served me well.
In fact it was the only thing standing between me and being a fucking bum at one point
when I had a string of unfortunate circumstances leaving me out in the cold in the city
of Oslo with last train/bus everything having gone, and me being alone, miserable and cold.
I managed to find a solution and charge trough, by repeating that phrase as a fucking mantra.

So anyway going out to this thing tonight and feeling pretty good about it.
My biggest stickingpoint right now is just being too serious.
I need to work on that, SERIOUSLY! xD
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So these last days I've been running wild.
There is a lot of reasons for this, but at bottom is my new negativity reset.
Now it is of course no be all end all.
But it really have made a difference.

Now in addition to this I've explored more neutral ways of getting myself to take action.
Neutral you say? Yes cause if you need to go to a positive or negative
frequency to get shit done, you will burn yourself out on anger or idealism.
The fullfillment of getting shit done gets you so positive anyway.
So don't worry about your state.

I got the idea from the done manifesto.

The general gist of it is.
You have not knowing, taking action (knowing is implied in action), done and more.

This is very simple and that is why it works, you don't have to be a scientist to get it.
You do and when you are done you do some more so that you can get that done etc.
You have a goal and just start moving.

So yesterday I was out and it was great.
I went to this english.spanish language exchange, we had great conversations
and then went to a careokebar. I was just in the mix, being social and having fun.

One great moment for me was when I was talking to this guy and was on the topic of escalating with women. Then this girl came along that I've talked to earlier in the night.
She wanted to know what the topic was.
The guy who I was talking to where like oh shit...
I took in stride and set a frame.
We are having an intellectual conversation. SHe was very intrigued by this and I introduced it
quickly as the science of the mating dance. And it is as I was talking about desmond morris work. Then I used her handy precence as a tool to demonstrate what I was talking about.
Taking it one step furter than I normal would.
At the end off the night she came up to me and gave me her card. xD
And there two "cool" Spanish guys where hovering around having spent all night trying to find a way to get her, and here she just walked right up to me instead with contact info.

Now I had some good interactions with some of the other girls from the exchange too.
I've realized that the important thing for me is to not choose any one girl.
Let them wonder by themself who is my favorite.
A lot of them tried to put themself in situations to get me talking to them.
Some succeeded and some did not.
Then some spanish guys started to occupy me. I was like sure you want to talk?
Then lets talk. And I had pretty long interesting conversations with them.
The thing about having to "occupy" me is that you have to agree with the topic of my choice.
Like I will talk about whatever floats my boat and if you want to leave, well fine...
You can kinda see the desperation in their eyes when you pick a topic that is pretty
incompatible with their type, and they know that they have to stay with you or else
they are not doing their job as a "wingman". But occupying me doesn't work if the girls actually wants to talk with me. Cause then the girls only grow more desperate and try to inject themself whenever possible. It is kinda wild right now, compared to what I'm used to.
But it is very good for my self-image I guess. xD

Btw this is a social setting so everyone is kinda assumed to be able to talk to anyone else.
It isn't like a bar full of strangers.
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So a couple of day have passed since the "No reason to not be happy!" discovery.
What have I learned?

Well when you say it, it devalues the drama out of every problem you think you have.
You just become really detached from the outcome.
And you realize that it doesn't really matter.

Now this can affect your productivity, unless you have a habit of planning and following trough.
Cause when you implement this, every goal running on negative emotions, will seem
really unimportant. But if you have schedule that you follow, you will still do this
and be in a happy state doing it. I've found that some of my bad emotions about having
procrastinated get disspelled as well. So things get done, but for different reasons.

I'm not really sure how this will pan out longterm, but I'm in a place right now where
it doesn't matter if there should be a bit of downtime over this.
Basically I've taken a minimum 5 month vacation, and I'm halfway trough it.
So it isn't like I have big commitments, all my commitments are to myself and my goals.

As far as I can tell it is working though, I managed to get myself to go out yesterday.
I've been very resistent toward that the past week.
I had some very good interaction and basically had fun.
So this new mode of thinking makes me able to do normal stuff again.
It resets the baseline. I will probably play it real careful and get used to the new mode for
a week or so. Cause the way I see it, being able to hold onto this new mode is worth it's
weight in gold.
I've never had a reset button for negativity, but these past days that is exactly what it has been.
Hasta la vista baby! =D
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So I've had several issues and stuff that I've had to pull trough recently.
I used every tool at my disposal,
but in the end I succumbed to a depression lasting a couple of day.

Coming out of that I watched several vid of Tyler, Alex, Eckhart Tolle and others.

I realized that Alex phrase "There is no reason you are not enough."
Although it is quite good, it didn't hit home with me completely.

It only dwaned upon me after watching one of Tylers vids on depression,
where he constantly referred to the hard case newbie what the problem was.

The phrase is too advanced for people who are too low down in depression.
There is a point when the phrase don't speak to your perception of reality at all.
You don't have enough energy to even consider what the use of being good enough
has to do with anything. Even being plain old ordinary good is a stretch.

So I was wondering to myself so what do I need to focus on then?
Reestablishing happyness. Once you are back to a happy and generally content state.
Then it makes sense to start to say "There is no reason I'm not good enough."
The double negative still holds, but you got to be thinking aobut what you need.
Being good isn't always the thing you need.

So right now I'm really back to basics on this shit.
I need to solidify my happiness and only then can I start to think about all the advanced stuff.
It is hard to feel entiteled, good and what have you when you are down in the pits feeling
depressed. On issue at a time and we will get there. ;)
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So I've caught myself getting a bit too into the Romanian girl.
It is not so bad as it was in the past, I managed to catch it in time.
Still it made me sort of like lose some standing in her eyes I guess.

So I just sat back and was like damn, look at me being all reactive and shit.
So I turned over to someone else and talked to them, as I only been able to
meet her at this venue thing. She structures her life very elegantly and makes herself
hard to get at. Making you feel like trying harder.
Like I guess that if I can't act like a man around her it is no reason to  actually engage her.
I'm not there to be a suck up.
So what happened was that this spanish trio showed up.
Two girls and one guy and I got into a conversation with them instead.

One of the girls was way into me and shit and I was like okay...
Touching me constantly and stuff.
So anyway aftere a while the other too got a bit touchy.
Probably from seeing her friend really worked up.

Kinda forgot about the Romanian girl and got the phone number of the second girl.
She suggested we meet up to learn language from each other... Oh well sure.
I guess it was a good thing as she is just as cute as the Romanian girl,
but I don't think she is as hard to approach like there seem to be this barrier between us.
Something isn't natural. I dunno. Maybe she is an attention junkie or something.

Like she always have like 4-5 guys as an audience every single time I see her.
So I did an experiment and pulled one of the most "cool" of them out of the circle of
admiration and talked to her one on one, and surprise she made sure that she somehow got contact. Pointing at the guy I was talking to and he turned and wanted to know what it was. "Oh I just pointed to a random guy you know" she said.
So I said to the guy. "Hi five for us random guys!" Then I said it was getting late after a minute or two, and I left.
Like okay, if she want to have that thing, sure. I'm not sticking around for that.
I will interact with her on facebook and only if I get to meet her one on one will I bother.
I'm not going to compete like that.
Might be that the Spanish girl will be so good that I forget about her anyway.
Who knows. ;)

Anyway, even though it didn't go as I wanted it to go tonight with the Romanian girl.
Totally blindsided, by my own expectations and lack of understanding.
Still I learned a lot and got the contact info of the Spanish girl
You can only get where you want to go by doing lots of trial and error.
My biggest sticking point is probably making any one girl I connect with way too important
way too quick. Sort of like starting to put them on a pedestal.
At least I'm catching myself in the act and can like adjust it.
But still it is a big sticking point.
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Went out and just bonded a bit with some people.
Had fun got drunk and pushed the envelope for myself.
Lots of things happened and it was fun.
Don't care to analyse it in detail. :p
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