It's weird. I've never really felt so depressed for so long. I think it might have to do something with smoking green. I'm giving that a break. Gave the last of it away to a friend, ha ha. I've been doing more poorly than I've ever done in school as well. So weird how grades and happiness seem positively correlated in the lives of students...
So last night I got my priorities straightened out a bit.
One: College. I can pace this one out a bit, but I MUST graduate, even if I die in the process. I've been working at this for way too long to give up. My parents have invested too much, I've invested too much, friends have invested too much. I'm not looking at this as optional. Biggest reason why I'm stopping weed for a while. Less motivation with it. Anyways, what I mean by pacing is simply that I must do at least one chapter a day or one homework project a day. If I have studying to do, nothing fun until.
Two: Read/Listen/Learn something educational for thirty to sixty minutes daily. This keeps me growing and in a learning mode.
Three: Journal daily. About goals, priorities, vision, thoughts. It keeps me focused.
Four: Work on to-do-list. Once I've accomplished the first three, the fourth is next.
Five: Sexercise thirty minutes
Six: Work-out/exercise thirty minutes
Until I graduate, Clubbing's got to take a bit more of a backburner. Unless I start staying up that late regularly, until three a.m., then I'm putting that on a part-time schedule until after graduation. Meaning, I'll go out, I'm sure, but it'll be more of a once or twice weekly kind of thing as opposed to five days a week.
Feeling kind of bad, but I'm not going to the weed for it. I've got things I need to accomplish.
Something else I wrote on my board: Things that feel good in the moment but RUIN my life and TAKE my passion: Procrastination, Masterbation, and Weed.
I have ONE life and ONE integrity. DON'T waste it NOT doing the things I need to be doing in order to accomplish my goals. Happiness is a HARD decision I must make every day. DO the hard things and savor the beautiful moments that inevitably follow that painful decision to do the right thing.
Life is full of moments that suck and moments that are awesome. Both. If I want there to be AWESOME moments in my life, I've got to embrace the ones that suck.
Went to Butter last night.
Was a bit rusty, but it feels so good to be back on the scene even after just a couple weeks of only going out 1 or 2 times. It's my path right now.
Tonight it's Suite! :D
Let's see... so a couple interactions from last night... opened one super cute girl by asking if it was just guys that thought the two girls dancing on an elevated part of the club was hot or if she thought so too. She turned out to be so cute I genuinly felt attraction for her. Wanted to kiss her so bad but she had a boyfriend there at the club and even though I could tell she wanted to kiss me to we didn't. Later I saw her making out with her boyfriend. Super lame. Cuz she was fucking adorable. :D
Last night I started to use pushaways a little more. Something I definitely need to incorporate a bit more. I was just thinking about them last night so I started to do a tiny bit with them and it was good. Can't wait to play with that tonight more.
All in all met some cool people, chilled, had a fun time and tested some of my boundaries, like always when I go to the club. I can't help not at least do a few challenging things each time I go to the club, so it takes off some pressure for me knowing that even just the act of going to the club means I've already grown and stretched myself a little, even at this point.
Have work tonight. Can't wait until I'm graduated!! Dude. It's gonna be awesome. :D
Started giving myself a checklist Mon-Sat.
The three things I do are journal, sex exercises and read/listen to educational material.
Then Tues-Sat I go out each night.
And make sure I do the homework I need to.
Those are my top 5 priorities. They make me happy and I like doing them. Sure, sometimes it's that feeling like before working out where it's like Ohhh man, I don't know if I want to do this. But I just remember that that's not really true. I really do want to do it. In fact, the fact that part of my body or mind is fighting it is because it knows it's going to be so rewarding, and easy things are not worth it and things that are worth it are not easy.
So there. :D
Last night I went on a little adventure to Mooresville that kind of freaked me out but I had a lot of fun and would say it was worth it. Took a friend up there to get money from a girl he did some work for.
Tonight is going to be awesome.
I want to start back journaling again.
So much has happened since last time. I sort of have a girlfriend. And... I love her. But I want to start going out again. I'm not sure how long our relationship will last past this, but starting back tomorrow night I'm going out Tues-Saturday.
Now, I'm a broke college kid. I'm gonna do my best to get in clubs for free. Usually, I can handle that. But I'll budget it out and if I have to pay because I somehow didn't get on a guestlist then so be it.
Living my passionate life isn't about sitting around waiting for a switch to click in my head. It's about realizing that in order to flip the switch, I must get uncomfortable and go for what at the time I may only even KIND OF want. It means going for the things I want as if I MUST have them. It means deciding that I'll be passionate about the things I want. And most of all, it means taking action.
It means delaying gratification. It means working hard because hard work is fulfilling in and of itself. And working hard towards the goals which I have clearly defined.
If I think about doing it, then I fucking do it. Because the longer I live, the more I realize that passion is a choice. It's a choice to live through my fear, to embrace being uncomfortable, and to feel my heart beat fast as I go for what I love.
I'm scared right now. I don't want to waste my life. I want to live it. I want to pursue what I want. If it wasn't hard, then it wouldn't be living.
I can do it.
P.S. I've got a pornstache now! :D
Hey EVerybody! :D
So I went to Ally Cat last night. Fun times...
I wanted to get laid so bad. I WANT to get laid so bad. Didn't. ;p But hey, I still had a fun time.
I walk in, use the bathroom, go to the bar and order the cheapest beer, started going around talking to people.
I'm over the approach anxiety in the club. I'll still get it sometimes in the daytime, but I'm just not scared anymore to approach in the club. Even been doing several mixed sets each night. Ok, I guess for mixed sets I'm a little scared sometimes, or maybe just a little less confident cuz in the back of my head I'm thinking that there's a chance the boyfriend might be there and get mad or try to fight me... But usually everything is perfectly fine. Of course there's that random time when a guy might get in my face a little but I always back down... I'm not trying to get in a fight...
I'm pretty comfortable in the club. Especially once I get in. Last night I walked out into the middle of the empty dance floor where there was literally no one dancing but probably about 30 people just choding around and I started just dancing around on the dance floor, just having a good time. Some girls I had talked to earlier were smiling at me, almost every guy was looking at me like, who is that guy, kind of in amazement that I would just go out there in the middle without a care in the world but just out of my own amusement.
A couple cougers come out on the dance floor after a minute or two and I dance with one for a few seconds... I danced in front of her and probably should have switched to behind her so I wouldn't be blocking her friend... or I could have pulled her friend in maybe to make a sandwich around me. Probably better that way..
I'm eating a can of black beans right now, cold, straight out of the can with a plastic spoon. Breakfast. Yum. Ha ha, I'm a cheapass!!! And I look at food more as necessary than as an art most of the time. Well, that was tasty.
Last night I pushed the physical escalation harder in the beginning than I ever have before. As soon as I'd see the girl I'd just get up right in front of her pretty much in her face... and I got blown out pretty quickly pretty much every time. I know that there's something off about it, most likely, because of the blowouts, but something about it also felt right as well... It's like, it felt really good to just cut through a lot of that talking bullshit and get straight to the physical point, but I need to play with this approach a bit more. Go in strong and then back off quickly a bit, trying some of that.
I'm not going to the same club next Saturday... I don't really like it that much.. One white girl told me she wished I was black and another one grinded on my dick so hard I thought I WAS black...
I remember watching a video on youtube a while back of this guy just sitting down at a table with two girls he'd never met before. And I remember thinking, damn, are those girls gonna be pissed off? Probably... and I just thought it was weird that he did that. Probably saw that clip a couple years ago.
But now I'm doing the same thing. And it's awesome. And usually the group is neutral to receptive of me...
I think somehow I'm still qualifying myself when I do stuff like that or even in approaches sometimes... not all the times, but sometimes.
I think I'm trying too hard to create attaction sometimes. Or trying too hard to give value...
It's like, I'll approach and start talking about whatever is on my mind and maybe I'm talking too much.
I'm reminded of a time I went up to this gorgeous girl in a club and introduced myself and then I just looked at her and she says, "Is that all?" And I was like, "Yeah." And she was kind of sad I think and just kind of turned away back to her friends and it was over. I think right there I should have just pulled her into me and tried to kiss her right there since I was so attracted... and that's why I have this thought that I need to talk more or something.
It's interesting how people react when I approach them.. and I'm starting to see how I have a choice to keep my frame or to get sucked into their reaction frame... I think that's where it happens, right there. It's right on the approach.. Within milliseconds... who's going to lead the frame and therefore the group/chick?
Damn, I just thought of a super cool move I can do when I meet a hot girl. It starts out as a handshake and then moves to a bro-shake, and then starting to do the finger pull release but instead of releasing I spin her around and into my arms and then either say, "It's nice to meet you." Or kind of push her away and say "whoa" pretending that she was being too aggressive with me.
In any case, I hope I'm going to a house party tonight! Damn I can't wait to get laid, ha ha. I want to bring her back to my place and fuckerbrainsout!!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha :D
Peace out girl scout.
People will respond to you exactly how you strongly expect them to.
Also, at the point where if girl has a bf and I don't really care for the dude all that much.. I need to start gaming somehow and just see what happens...
I want to fuck.
I am so fucking horny. God dammit.
I danced with her in the club.
Back in the party bus, we're sitting kind of far from each other and one of my guy friends sits in between her and me.
The attraction must have been there more for me than I knew because at some point during the time my guy friend was talking to her she tries to shake my hand and I'm like, wtf is happening?
And then it's like the attraction that I had built up switched over to him.
I think what happened was she was originally attracted to me and she actually tried to save herself from being attracted to him, giving me the opportunity to pull her over to me or something. But I missed it and she ends up kissing him leaving the party bus.
Cool, weird little lesson.
She gave me the opportunity and I missed it.
But at least I got the lesson. :D
Time to spill some thoughts before class.
I've been going out pretty consistently now at least 4 times a week.
It's great! I love it. I always have a good time, and ALWAYS feel better afterwords than I did before. Whereas there are some activities that I do sometimes after which I feel worse inside.
I like the chillness you get inside because of it.
And the girls you get inside, ha ha :D
Haven't really pulled home directly yet though. I mean, I can get numbers and sometimes they'll come out to parties or even just chill with me and do whatever, but I'm thinking the next level for me really is the pull. Like, not even necessarily sex that night. I mean, if it happens, cool, but I wanna focus on the pull that night. I want to be more direct and go for it... period.
I just haven't really been going for it. It's still a little outside of my reality. On the edge of my reality, anyway.
It's interesting, too, how people just automatically respect me more in general. Like, I "automatically" have more say and influence in social situations for the main reason that I'm more confident and more relaxed and indifferent about outcomes. I'm less afraid of accessing the fun part of me.
Absolutely can't fucking WAIT until I'm graduated. For some reason, I feel like that's the mains source of bad feelings in my life. I really think that's true. That's why it's so tough to stay in! It's like, I just want the good feelings and this college stuff SUCKS!
College cuts me off from my masculinity, from my humor and creativity. It gets me in my head in the wrong kind of way.
And I'm all for thinking about shit and learning and growing. I mean, that's part of what I do this blog for, and DEFINITELY a huge part of what I go out for, but one of the main problems is just that I'm not passionate about this stuff.
I've done hard stuff in my life, stuff that I didn't feel like doing, but I wasn't hating my life when I was doing it..
I wonder what it will be like on the other side?
I mean, WILL the bad feelings be gone? When I can just work and play? And not worry about fucking tests and exams and homework.. and just read cool, awesome, educational books on my own?
Good feelings vs. Bad feelings. Are we supposed to have both of them? Will I always have both of them?
I know that if I keep on having bad feelings (And by the way, I have LOTS of good feelings, too, it's just that I'm interested in making the bad ones go away... I think that's how it's supposed to go...) after I graduate, then the problem was INSIDE of me the whole time and I just blamed it on school and what I have chosen to do...
But right now, and I may be wrong... I'm pretty sure the bad feelings will go away when I graduate. I just hate school that fucking much. :D
But, until then, I'll keep going out, keep having fun, keep living as much as I can, and minimize the bad feelings as much as I can by looking at positives and knowing that this too will pass.
Most people don't understand how much I hate school and how little I feel like I'm gaining from it. I DON'T want a typical job after I graduate, and I don't see any practical application to understanding fucking Multiple Least Squares Regression statistical analyses in my day-to-day life (those are the kinds of things I spend hours learning), and I really compare this whole college experience to being forced to eat poop. Or 100 year old horse siemen. You know how on Fear Factor (old show, I guess) they have to eat nasty stuff? And some of them will get part of it down and then just physically NOT be able to eat anymore? That's how I feel pyschologically about college. It's just fucking pyschologically hard. Fucking hard... Fear Factor eat shit hard.
But I'm a fucking rockstar, and I'm going to finish. And then I'm pretty sure the bad feelings will go away. Pretty sure...
Went to TREND Thursdays at Bentley's.
Fun times. Danced with some bitches... made out a little with one... not super hot, but hot enough :P Number closed. I mean, what the hell. She's either a 1 or a 0, right? ;p
Well, that was my second time out this week so far. Need to go out tomorrow and Sat. nights, too! It's funnnnnn.
I need to start going for the pull. Bottom line. Time to step it UP, baby!
It took me a long time to figure out what it meant to not be needy.
I was always concerned (and still sometimes think about it as you can see from this post) with being perceived as needy and I didn't want anyone to think I was needy. I didn't want to say the wrong thing because I thought it might come across as needy.
Wrong mindset. That's already needy because I want their approval.
It's really pretty simple.
It just means that you don't need her or anyone else to like you or approve of you and your actions in order to feel better about yourself. I approve of my actions, and that's enough.
It means that you ALREADY feel awesome about yourself and to a HUGE extent are unconcerned about how others perceive you.
When you're not needy, you can say things like, "I like you." or, "I want you" to the girl because even though you like her and want her, it's not a REDUCTION of your coolness in any sense whatsoever. In fact, it's fucking cool to say, "I want you" to a girl when you do want her or like her.
It's just all coming from a position of strength, knowing that no matter how she responds to my actions, I'm going to be totally fine.