AZmagic's Blog

Well, she's gone. My first long-term relationship. About 6 and a half months from the day we met and a few days over 6 months from when we first had sex.

I mentioned this blog on accident, and I could have stopped her if I wanted to. Maybe if I were sober then I would have, but I was fucked up and for some weird reason all I could feel were her emotions. Bad drug.

Sitting beside her reading my blog I thought I might be able to explain any asshole comments that I didn't remember specifically, but I knew were there. But I felt sort of naked with no hope for ever being clothed again.

I mean, this is where I can go to be an asshole if I want! This is where I get to do that. Yeah, I had fucking beautiful times with her. I cried for an hour or so back at my parents' place talking to my sister. On the answering machine of my best friend, lol. Cried like a fuckin baby. I haven't cried like that since when I screamed at God that He could have everything and I would give up on all my passions to please Him. (That didn't really stick... it was a long process of slowly giving up or losing some of the beliefs my parents instilled in me through my childhood about God).

I know it's not as much as she cried or will cry. She said I'm just like Mark Zuckerberg--insert semi-bitter laugh--. How I'm just an uncaring, selfish asshole, using people in order to get closer to the top or whatever. I understood what she meant.

I hurt her. I think it was me... I mean, I've read this stuff about how no one can hurt you unless you let them. But, for real, I did, many times give her the wrong impressions. I'd sometimes treat her like we'd be together forever or like she was the only one.. and it just wasn't true and I knew it.

In many ways, it wasn't fair to me at all. I mean, everyone needs a place to come to in order to express their deepest thoughts. A safe place. It's great if it's a man your close to, but sometimes there's just the computer, and it's so convenient to post up whatever. I mean, I don't have my name attached to this. But... I think she would still have found it even if I had stopped her and I didn't want her to do that alone. Better be with me than alone or with her friends or whatever..

I wonder if she' s reading this right now.

I really don't care if she does or not... I'm writing this for me, just like I always meant to, and if someone gets value from my honesty then so be it.

I learned that I'm more of an asshole than I thought I was. Girls kind of like assholes. Who would have ever figured. I wouldn't have. I was sensitive and a bit timid. I was the one girls talked to about the assholes they fucked. God fucking damn it, life is crazy.

I feel like this blog is the opposite of my music. In my music I'm sensitive, in my blog I'm mostly an analytical brain disregarding other peoples' feelings for the most part.. unless they're important for pick-up stuff.

I loved her though. Probably still kind of do. She's so much more than she thinks she is. Low self-esteem. I wonder if she wouldn't orgasm with me because of her low self-esteem, the fact that she might not have trusted me all the way since I wasn't completely honest, or because she's really just thought about it too much and puts too much pressure on herself to cum. In the book I read by David Shade about girls and sex he talks about how important it is to make your girl cum. Never made her cum... for 6 months. Interesting..

I'm practicing sex though. I'm multi-orgasmic now in a way I've never been before, and it's fucking really cool.

AND, speaking of cool, I went out tonight, Monday. Hopped over to flying saucer then bad dog's later where A was. Met two of the coolest guys I've met in a long time. One was a J like me, the other was his roomate. Just solid cool guys that I'll def hang out with later on, prob Friday next.

Just a general fun night. Sort of met a couple girls, but mostly a chill, maintaining night. I'm sure my brain picked up cool stuff, and meeting those two dudes was definitely the highlight, but also hung out with A a bit and I really like her.

I don't think it messes me up too much when I really like a girl, because deep down I know that even if it doesn't work out, I'll still be perfectly ok and I'll be able to deal with the feelings of not having her if I don't get her. I think it helps me sometimes actually because I know she can feel what I feel and it usually just feels fucking good. :D

Funny how I'm tempted to write about my x in some ways because I think she might read this. Who knows if she will. I know I'll never, ever think she's a bitch. God damn what a sweet girl. So fucking sweet I could cry right now. Just a beautiful individual with so much to offer. She was so special to me, and I told her that all the time. On the one hand I think she didn't believe me, or even if she read this wouldn't believe me because of the depersonalized way I would write shit about her on this blog. Kinda sucks. But Brad's breaking up article really helped me understand what was going on. She threw a roll of toilet paper at me while I was reading it.. I just don't even know how I would fix it, even if I wanted to. I just hope she finds a good man who will love her and that will make her feel the passion for a man she's capable of feeling. I genuinely hope that, really for every woman ideally. I know we live in a fucked up world where that will never happen, but maybe that's what heaven will be like, if there is one. I wish I was still convinced there was a heaven :p

But now I'm just getting too sentimental.

I love my life. I love it. Fucking love it. Don't know how long I'll have it, but I want to live it to the best. I want it to be fucking awesome. That's why I'm learning the shit I'm learning now, putting myself in uncomfortable and even downright scary positions on a daily basis. Which, by the way, I'm still holding back from but still, for now, learning some cool stuff. I'm def walking down the steps of the pool many times as opposed to plunging straight in. But I'm still getting in the water, you know? And that's what counts in the end, I guess... as long as I'm going after what I want.

I loved her. She was my baby and I was hers. We were awesome. She taught me more than she could possibly imagine, and not just what I wrote on an earlier post about relationship skills and sex skills but she taught me that a girl can really love me. She grew my self-esteem in unfathomable ways. She made me feel funny and cute and sexy and strong. Ha... there I go again, and I'm sure I'll think of her a lot.. and I'm not just saying that cuz I think she might read this one day. My first real girl. And even if she hates me for posting in such an asshole/detached way.. I'm so fucking grateful for her and her love and companionship and the beauty she gave to me every fucking day. I miss her. But I know she's gone. It's over. She was a beautiful piece in the tapestry of my life, and I'll never regret it. I regret it had to end like that, but sad endings always suck. Happy endings don't usually happen in life. And that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

That's just life. We're thrown into it without any undeniable map for who we are what we're supposed to do with our life, and we have to figure it out.

Isn't it fucking beautiful?
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So I'm just deleting the double content and writing this. Does anyone know how to delete a blog post? 
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Went to Hooters for the first time around 9. One of my friends is dating the girl we had for our waitress there. She was hot as hell, and I felt myself kind of be an asshole towards her. But I know that whatever I did she was intrigued by me. Didn't go too far with shit because it's my friend and he really wants a relationship and he's a cool guy so I didn't go 100%.

He and my other friend I went to Hooters with told me I seemed angry tonight.

I think mainly it was just fucking aggressive energy. I still feel it a little bit.

Went to one of my old places that had fallen into not cool people who go there, but I wanted to check it out tonight just for kicks.

I must have danced with at least half the girls there. Got three numbers.. one is solid, one is of these three black girls who I met walking back. I had my star david on and one of the girls says you can't be Jewish, your nose is too small. And I said, "You should see my dick." And they died laughing. :D It was just perfect humor. I love shit like that.

The one solid number I got actually has the same birthday as me. She's one year younger. And she makes me hard. Ha ha. She's hot as fuck. In kind of a country/southern way... but damn. I KNOW she's good in bed, omg by the way she dances. Mhh.

The girl I had over a couple nights ago and I haven't really stopped texting.. but I'm really not sure where it's going anymore. She keeps on texting me, so obviously she likes me.. we banter a lot.. and I'm a little bit tired of the banter because it's more like cocky funny stuff, borderline insulting sometimes... she told me she loved how I played the guitar and I texted her thanks, love.

She texted back that that was the only nice thing she would ever say to me. lol. And that she was trying to see how mean she could be before I stopped texting back. That's kind of funny, actually. I mean, none of it is hurting me. I don't even really know her so... I'd like to fuck her, but I'm not too concerned about it. She's interesting cuz she's kinda artsy but I think she has issues... I'm not sure. I just want to squeeze her tits and make her beg me to put it in ha ha

Anyways, the one thing I wanted to mention before I sleep was that tonight I just fucking rocked. I had read one of the last several articles from Owen on the main site about just being super chill and the strong eye contact and omg that shit works like crazy. I was just so fuckin chill making crazy eye contact with bitches and shit was just falling into place like that's the way it was meant to be.

Also, I just really reminded myself constantly, lately in general I've been doing this, of how fucking cool I am. I still have insecurities and social situations where I'm not completely confident, but because of my life path and what I'm doing and the ways in which I'm growing and pushing myself... damn. People like me are rare in the world. We deserve everything the world has to offer... because we're going to treat it like it was meant to be treated and like it wants to be treated.

Tonight, more than any other night I've had, mostly through being totally chill and solid with eye contact, I felt like I was truly the prize.

Maybe that's because I am.

Thanks Tyler and everybody at RSD who's fucking the best inspiration ever. Without yall I don't know where I'd be, for real.

LOve. Z.
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But a can't get a dollar outta me.
No cadillacs, no perms, you can't see.
That I'm a mutherfuckin PIMP.

Ha haaaaaa

Girl I met last night and texted ALL day long pretty much was back at my place at around 2:30ish am... after the clubs close here at 2. Nah, it was probably 3ish more like. Listened to some random Youtube shit... Def had some chemistry... after I played her Iris on the guitar I kissed her, ha ha. Tried a few times before that and didn't work ha ha but I've DEF learned that the first time may or may not happen when going for the kiss ;p.

I fucking love it though. Rain or shine, yo boy Z on the street, nigga. ha ha.

On my bed, making out. She was def lil drunk, I was def not completely sober. Still not entirely. No clothes off, really just some mild boob grazing, but hey. I've been out of this game for a little while.

Ha ha, so I don't know if it was the right thing or not but I was walking her home... and we're interlocked walking down the sidwalk and I say, "I want to fuck the shit out of you." Ha ha, she stops and looks at me all shocked and shit. Says I'm a typical frat boy. Never should have mentioned my fraternity maybe but it just came out. The thing no one understands is my fraternity is so completely against the stereotype of fraternities that it shouldn't even really be called a fraternity. It's more like a brothership or brotherhood or something. Just real guys with real goals and dreams and issues like the rest of us chillin trying to make the world a better place in our own special ways, dawg.

Anyways. Can't wait til tomorrrowww nighttttt!! :p I LOVE GIRLS. And boobs. And asses. And titties. And... oh, I already referred to breasts.

LOve. AZ/me.
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Dharma. Cool place. Chill as fuck. Went there with friends for a b-day party so I got drunk... but I still talked to a lot of people. Got one phone number I think is pretty solid.

My x was there... I said hey to her and even danced with her. She wouldn't kiss me... and we had sex two days ago.

So... I deleted her number and text messages. I have no way to get in contact with her other than driving to her house but God knows I'd never do that lol.

If I hadn't deleted her shit, I would have texted her or called her before she called or texted me. Now I know she'll call or text. Ha ha... there isn't really any other way for her to talk to me and I know she's trapped in my medicine, as eminem says.

Unless she reads this post ha ha, but then she'd still call most likely.

I LOVE this fucking game. I love it. I hereby dedicated myself to going out. 5 nights a week. No exceptions. Hey, Monday and Sunday nights, if I'm not busy, I can hang out with you, girl or guy. But other than that, if you wanna chill with me, unless I'm doing drugs or whatever, you can find me in the club. Bottle full of bub. Mommy, I got the x if you into taking drugs. I'm into havin sex I ain into making love so come give me a hug, gimme gimme rub.

Exactly like fucking that. :D 
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Tuesday, baby!

It's so true about being in a completely different headspace when you go out.

I'm a little rusty. But tonight I caught glimpses of where I left off. Ha ha... def came across a lil creepy a couple times. Took a while to stop giving a fuck. But... sure enough. It's all about doing it badly until you do it well.

Danced with an AMAZING dancer. Blonde chick. Really cute. Great ass, great tits... :D I loved her ass, ha ha.

And now I'm journaling. Just like my routine that I've written out says I should do. My friend went out with me tonight, and he has to be up at 6am tomorrow morning. I could sleep until 3pm if I wanted to and I thought about not going out. He inspired me. It's just got to be not a question. It's a must.

I know I'll ALWAYS be happy I did. It's like talking to the girl. Sometimes it's like damnit! I don't know, I don't know... but then you do it, and even if it doesn't go how you would necessarily like it to go, it still feels great because you DID it.

Here's to going out, and a great night full of good dreams.


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It's crazy how my motivation just doesn't seem to be like it used to be. I usually just blame it on school... and how that sucks the desire to do other work away.

I just finished playing DDR for 2 hours. What a great workout.

Relationship with the gf is complicated now. We talked about how I want to go out all the time and sort of decided to break it off. By sort of I mean that three days after we decided to break it off she spent the night at my place and then the next night she spent the night again and we had sex. 3 times. And told each other how much we loved each other. So fucking complicated. I just need to keep going out and let this gf thing just work itself out from there.

I invested in an online trading course. So it looks like I'm going to start trading foreign currencies. Cool.

Also, I'm so burnt out from school. I just fucking hate it. And I think that's a big reason why other things in my life aren't really getting done is because I'm already slacking off on one of my biggest goals which is to graduate. And if I'm slacking off in one area, why not in the others? Right? How you do one thing is how you do everything. And I'm not doing this college thing as well as I know I should be cuz I just fucking hate it. Feels like it'll never be over.

Anyways, guess I'm just venting. ONe final left this semester and then I've got a break from school. Sigh.
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So, I have a girlfriend. And... I'm using the excuse that it's helping my 1. Relationship skills and my 2. Sex skills. :D But the crazy thing is.. I don't think this is on my path. It's just that now I'm really sucked in by the emotions and it's sort of become my path, at least for now.

Also, wanted to talk about experimenting with different lifestyles.

That's sort of what I'm doing now.

I want to experiment in the way that for a month or two I go out hardcore.. ok, actually, I've already done that. And it's fucking awesome. I love it. I never had so much fun and energy and new experiences in that short amount of time. It's a fucking drug. :D

A month or two with no weed, ceteris paribus other chosen lifestyle.

A month or two my 7 priorities 6 days/week.

Basically, I want to experiment with different lifestyles/actions to see which ones make me the happiest and most long-term fulfilled. I think that's kind of what life is about. Finding what makes you happy, long term, obviously and then doing it.

The long-term distinction is so important because some things make us momentarily happy, but then we wake up to find that we're way worse off than we would have been if we had not chosen the momentary happiness. It's sort of like taking sex slow and holding off on ejaculating for a long time. Or any other delay of gratification example you want to insert. No pun intended.

Life is better when you take the pain sooner, because sooner or later the pain just might take you.

It's tough, but I'm pretty sure this is just how things are.

Maybe I'm jaded though. Maybe it shouldn't feel like pain and I'm looking at it the wrong way. But in any case, so far I've found the delayed gratification to be more fulfilling and to create more happiness than procrastination or choosing comfort over pursuit of desire.

Any thoughts on this?
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Put my priorities in a different order again:

1. Home Work/1 Chapter/Any sizable school project
2. To-do list
3. Sexercise, 30 min
4. Read/Listen/Learn, 30 min
5. Journal
6. Regular exercise, 30 min
7. Whatever I want/Chillaxing/Clubbing/Networking

I've got a girlfriend. And, the cool thing is, I'm ok with that right now. I love her and she loves me. And I know that if something doesn't work out with her and me in the future, I can just hit the clubs or the beach or the store or wherever and get a new gf. :D

At least until I graduate college, I'm happy with where I'm at and my life. Life is exciting, and I'm passionate about enjoying it right now.

Pretty simple :D
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I've just got to keep my focus right.

I'm working on graduating. And my goal is to do well. I want to get A's on the rest of my tests this semester. That's my goal and I'm working hard on it. Then I've got one more semester which I want to finish with all A's, which I know I can do if I work hard for.

The reason I want A's is because I NEED to be challenged on some level with school. It's not my life purpose, it doesn't really ignite me, but the fact is that I'm doing it, I've got a semester left and if anything I do is worth doing it's worth doing well or at least giving everything I've got in order to do well. And I know that if I give everything I've got I'll do well. That's simple.

Then, I'm going to move to a surfing beach. I don't know which one yet. But every hour I work at the job that isn't my life purpose right now will give me more money to spend on a BC and better prepare me for the move and lifestyle at the beach. I might want to just take it easy for a couple/few months during the summer with some of the money I've saved up in order to really take my time looking for the job I want.

I can't wait. I've found something I'm excited about, and that's big for me. I've been wondering if I would be able to do that.

How I did it: I just layed down on my bedroom floor and imagined my life exactly as I wanted it to be and even believed that it could be. (I didn't imagine myself living in a palace... that's too unbelievable at this point). And now what I'm doing now is simply the bridge to get me to where I want to be. And I'll do it well.

Because that's what I do. I do things well. I choose hardness now for the satisfaction and joy and relaxation of the soul later on.

Happiness is that hard choice I choose. And it makes me happy. :D
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