Well, she's gone. My first long-term relationship. About 6 and a half months from the day we met and a few days over 6 months from when we first had sex.
I mentioned this blog on accident, and I could have stopped her if I wanted to. Maybe if I were sober then I would have, but I was fucked up and for some weird reason all I could feel were her emotions. Bad drug.
Sitting beside her reading my blog I thought I might be able to explain any asshole comments that I didn't remember specifically, but I knew were there. But I felt sort of naked with no hope for ever being clothed again.
I mean, this is where I can go to be an asshole if I want! This is where I get to do that. Yeah, I had fucking beautiful times with her. I cried for an hour or so back at my parents' place talking to my sister. On the answering machine of my best friend, lol. Cried like a fuckin baby. I haven't cried like that since when I screamed at God that He could have everything and I would give up on all my passions to please Him. (That didn't really stick... it was a long process of slowly giving up or losing some of the beliefs my parents instilled in me through my childhood about God).
I know it's not as much as she cried or will cry. She said I'm just like Mark Zuckerberg--insert semi-bitter laugh--. How I'm just an uncaring, selfish asshole, using people in order to get closer to the top or whatever. I understood what she meant.
I hurt her. I think it was me... I mean, I've read this stuff about how no one can hurt you unless you let them. But, for real, I did, many times give her the wrong impressions. I'd sometimes treat her like we'd be together forever or like she was the only one.. and it just wasn't true and I knew it.
In many ways, it wasn't fair to me at all. I mean, everyone needs a place to come to in order to express their deepest thoughts. A safe place. It's great if it's a man your close to, but sometimes there's just the computer, and it's so convenient to post up whatever. I mean, I don't have my name attached to this. But... I think she would still have found it even if I had stopped her and I didn't want her to do that alone. Better be with me than alone or with her friends or whatever..
I wonder if she' s reading this right now.
I really don't care if she does or not... I'm writing this for me, just like I always meant to, and if someone gets value from my honesty then so be it.
I learned that I'm more of an asshole than I thought I was. Girls kind of like assholes. Who would have ever figured. I wouldn't have. I was sensitive and a bit timid. I was the one girls talked to about the assholes they fucked. God fucking damn it, life is crazy.
I feel like this blog is the opposite of my music. In my music I'm sensitive, in my blog I'm mostly an analytical brain disregarding other peoples' feelings for the most part.. unless they're important for pick-up stuff.
I loved her though. Probably still kind of do. She's so much more than she thinks she is. Low self-esteem. I wonder if she wouldn't orgasm with me because of her low self-esteem, the fact that she might not have trusted me all the way since I wasn't completely honest, or because she's really just thought about it too much and puts too much pressure on herself to cum. In the book I read by David Shade about girls and sex he talks about how important it is to make your girl cum. Never made her cum... for 6 months. Interesting..
I'm practicing sex though. I'm multi-orgasmic now in a way I've never been before, and it's fucking really cool.
AND, speaking of cool, I went out tonight, Monday. Hopped over to flying saucer then bad dog's later where A was. Met two of the coolest guys I've met in a long time. One was a J like me, the other was his roomate. Just solid cool guys that I'll def hang out with later on, prob Friday next.
Just a general fun night. Sort of met a couple girls, but mostly a chill, maintaining night. I'm sure my brain picked up cool stuff, and meeting those two dudes was definitely the highlight, but also hung out with A a bit and I really like her.
I don't think it messes me up too much when I really like a girl, because deep down I know that even if it doesn't work out, I'll still be perfectly ok and I'll be able to deal with the feelings of not having her if I don't get her. I think it helps me sometimes actually because I know she can feel what I feel and it usually just feels fucking good. :D
Funny how I'm tempted to write about my x in some ways because I think she might read this. Who knows if she will. I know I'll never, ever think she's a bitch. God damn what a sweet girl. So fucking sweet I could cry right now. Just a beautiful individual with so much to offer. She was so special to me, and I told her that all the time. On the one hand I think she didn't believe me, or even if she read this wouldn't believe me because of the depersonalized way I would write shit about her on this blog. Kinda sucks. But Brad's breaking up article really helped me understand what was going on. She threw a roll of toilet paper at me while I was reading it.. I just don't even know how I would fix it, even if I wanted to. I just hope she finds a good man who will love her and that will make her feel the passion for a man she's capable of feeling. I genuinely hope that, really for every woman ideally. I know we live in a fucked up world where that will never happen, but maybe that's what heaven will be like, if there is one. I wish I was still convinced there was a heaven :p
But now I'm just getting too sentimental.
I love my life. I love it. Fucking love it. Don't know how long I'll have it, but I want to live it to the best. I want it to be fucking awesome. That's why I'm learning the shit I'm learning now, putting myself in uncomfortable and even downright scary positions on a daily basis. Which, by the way, I'm still holding back from but still, for now, learning some cool stuff. I'm def walking down the steps of the pool many times as opposed to plunging straight in. But I'm still getting in the water, you know? And that's what counts in the end, I guess... as long as I'm going after what I want.
I loved her. She was my baby and I was hers. We were awesome. She taught me more than she could possibly imagine, and not just what I wrote on an earlier post about relationship skills and sex skills but she taught me that a girl can really love me. She grew my self-esteem in unfathomable ways. She made me feel funny and cute and sexy and strong. Ha... there I go again, and I'm sure I'll think of her a lot.. and I'm not just saying that cuz I think she might read this one day. My first real girl. And even if she hates me for posting in such an asshole/detached way.. I'm so fucking grateful for her and her love and companionship and the beauty she gave to me every fucking day. I miss her. But I know she's gone. It's over. She was a beautiful piece in the tapestry of my life, and I'll never regret it. I regret it had to end like that, but sad endings always suck. Happy endings don't usually happen in life. And that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.
That's just life. We're thrown into it without any undeniable map for who we are what we're supposed to do with our life, and we have to figure it out.
Isn't it fucking beautiful?