I've gotta run, but for the sake of journaling itself, here is an update.
I cried today.
It was unexpected. I had just finished working out and I was just missing my x and there have been several things that have changed in my life over the past few weeks, so it was about time anyway.
I have yet to see what it all means, but it was good to have the release.
I've been thinking more about whether I care if my x reads this and I've decided I really do not care at all. I she wants to talk to me, she can call me. I'm doing my thing, living my life, and if she wants to be in it, that's up to her.
Damn it! I ate fast food today. Fucking short-term gratification. Get off my back!
Anyways, I'm ready to get fucking lizaaaaaid! So, of course, I'm out tonight, and I'll have an update tomorrow ;) or maybe tonight if I feel like writing...
I smoked last night for the first time in almost three months.
And today I feel like shit. I'm pissy and sleepy and it sucks.
Also, when I was high and passed out and drunk out of my mind, I missed what could have been one of the hottest lays of my life. Who knows if it would have worked out or not, but still. There was a chance.
So. Lesson learned. Yet a-fucking-gain. I know this shit, goddamnit.
So I'm going to a 4th of July house party tonight. Should be fun. I don't even plan on drinking. If someone offers, I will. But I'm not bringing anything.
Also, one reason I haven't been writing on here as much is because I think my x is reading this (which is really fucking lame and chode-like, and kind of creepy), so I put most of my deepest thoughts in my journal now. My physical journal.
But I wanted to give an update here, also since I finished my journal and haven't bought a new one yet.
I want some salad.
I'm loving the process again. It happens when I go out consistently. There's less pressure on myself to do CRAZY things during the night, and a general flowing towards doing things a little bit outside of my comfort zone each time.
For example, last night I approached and sat down at two different tables outside. I just sat down and started talking to them. I don't think I've ever done that before.
I have the "one thing that gets me outside of my comfort zone" a-day rule, and as long as I'm doing that, I feel great!
I've found that I'll naturally push myself a little bit at a time out in the field, and when I know I'm going out each and every night, I know I'll keep getting better and better.
On the one hand, I could be using this as an excuse not to push myself harder... but on the other hand, it frees me up a bit to have a fun time and not be as concerned about results.
Stayed in set longer tonight. Generated better connections. I just didn't care as much what people thought about me tonight, and I did better.
Got a number, but more as a work connection than anything else. Need her for a girl to work for my company.
I haven't been making out with girls in the clubs as much. But I'm trying to get less into flash game.
I saw a guy tonight I saw 6 months ago and he sucked! And I thought that there was no hope for him. But he's been going out consistently from what he said, and I could see and feel the difference in his communication and confidence.
That was cool to see.
I'm training my elephant.
I think my ego tries to use being tired as an excuse to try to "protect itself" from rejection.
I've noticed this not only in pick-up, but in sales as well.
Or even sometimes before working out.
It's like, my body and mind will test me to see if I'm really serious about becoming the person I say I want to be. I have to deserve it first. I have to be able to handle the success.
Another night out. I've made a new wingman friend. He's awesome. Approaches a LOT. Solid inner game.. and that's so important, and the hardest to change.
I did maybe 10 sets tonight.. some went better than others. No make-outs. I didn't go for any...
I'm seeing the progress though.
I'm in this for the long-haul, so whatever. It's a process.
I just wasn't feeling any REAL solid connections tonight...
But it was fun! Ha ha... just being silly and fooling around and enjoying life... approaching hot girls, trying to get physical..
There may be people out there more talented than me. But I work harder. That's my edge. And I don't give up.
You say you're tired. I say, me too. Then you stay home, and I say, "You only live once." And then I go out. Obviously. I want to start going out M-F and then doing a house party on Saturday. And if no one shows up (ha ha...) then I'll just go out Saturday too. :D
It's a plan, man.
Basically falling asleep as my friend knocks on the door, we head out to one of the nicest clubs in town. I get in free, since I usually get on the guest list, and off we go.
It was a struggle, but 5 sets later, I was done. I'd hit my goal, and it felt good. We had decided at the beginning of the night that we were just going to do 5 sets tonight.
I need those newbie missions sometimes.
Basically, I just put more bricks in my palace. I feel like I learned a few things tonight though. I can't put my finger on them quite yet, but my heart rate was up a few times throughout the night, which usually means I'm doing the right thing, so I'm satisfied.
It's like working out.
Before you do it, you're like, damnit. I don't feel like doing this.
After you do it, you're like, damn. That was great!
Went out tonight for the first time all week. I host live trivia, so I get some practice being social or whatever during the week/expanding my comfort zones/whatever. Also, I'm in sales, so I get some of that anyways.
But it's still different when you're out and you're going for hot girls. When you're trying to get laid. Ha ha.
An interesting thing happened tonight.
I gave up on talking to girls after several blowouts and just decided to dance, which I enjoy.. and then a hot girl came and started dancing with me. Some fatties wanted to dance too, but... yeah.
And I just looked the hottie in the eyes, without even smiling, since I was in kind of a low state, I was just in a kind of Fuck it state where I was like, I really don't care if I'm going to make a good or bad impression.
Brad's advice about "Stop smiling and be playful" really helped me out. I sometimes feel pressure to smile (obviously from myself), but there is really no reason I should smile if I don't feel like it. Now, obviously there are some good things about smiling, like, it's good to put a smile on your face if you are happy, and to an extent happiness is a choice.
But I'm talking about the smiling to get a reaction from the girl. Smiling because I feel like I need to for her to feel a certain way I want her to feel around me. That is bad.
Expression not impression, as Alex says.
Also, drinking. It makes me numb... tonight it also made me EXTREMELY sleepy, and didn't help my state like it does sometimes. Actually, it kind of made it worse... maybe, since I felt like I was compromising by drinking. Idk... I just have to decided before I go out whether I want to drink or not and then stick to that, and that should solve that problem.
Going to start going out 5+ nights again. I took a break for a few weeks. Broke up with my x for the 4th time or so again, and now I'm back at it.
I'm so excited!!! This is what I want. This is what I came for.
Went out last night for the first time all week, and I have missed it so much.
I'm going to have to figure out a way to go out at least 3 times a week. I think I can handle that.
It was the first week in 8 weeks I didn't go out 5 times at least.
Loving the last two articles on this site. Tyler's got so much freaking wisdom. So much discipline.
Well, I'm figuring some things out, just about what makes me happy. I really think life is about finding what makes you happy and then having the discipline to do it.
And for some reason, that makes me happy.
But I can't imagine not having gone out.
I learned a lot tonight.
One experience I'll write here is when a girl was walking past me and I grabbed her arm and she kept walking but I held on and stopped her. She looks back at me wondering who it is and why I'm holding on. (Oh yeah, I'll mention that I've seen this girl and talked to her a few times in the past).
Anyways, when she saw it was me she gets all happy and comes in and we dance for a bit.
Good times though. First time I just totally ENFORCED my will of holding onto the girl while she was walking past me. I felt good about it, knowing she would take it well since I'd already talked to her, but now I want to experiment with this with other girls I don't know too.
Other than that, just another night in the life. Good times, weird times, fun times, good times.
Let the Bon Timez rouler ;)
I wanted to go home. It was sucking, I was yawning, I'd already had -some- success tonight, gotten in a few solid sets, whatever...
But I didn't. I stayed in and fought the urge to do less than my personal best.
And after I gave up the idea of getting laid tonight, I met a beautiful, 27-year old English dancer.
My whole night led up to this one interaction.
Ha ha... solid connection. Passing tests with flying colors.
You know why? Because I had momentum, for one thing. I liked her, for another thing. I was as honest as I knew how to be, and I really didn't care if she rejected me or not.
She told me she thought I'd be famous one day. I was so confident. Ha ha...
I kind of agree with her. I don't know HOW famous I'll be, but whatever.
What's funny though is that already I had had such a VARIETY of sets. Some went awesome. Great connections, bubbles of love stories, vibing, some short, some 5-minute range...
I was blown out several times tonight.
One time, on the dance floor, after being rejected for, I don't know... againth time, I had a realization:
Getting rejected, and feeling the emotions of that rejection is the fastest way to overcome the fear of rejection. Essentially, when you allow yourself to feel the sadness or anger or whatever comes up for you of rejection, you are saying, ok, I can feel this emotion, I can let this pass through me, and it does not define who I am.
I just realized that at a deeper level tonight than I ever have before, and I really enjoyed that feeling and the epiphany/thought.
Had my best night out in about 2 weeks, and, as always, I can't imagine not having gone out tonight.
I'm blessed with a job where I don't have to get up until fucking 11am if I don't want to. Btw, I FOUND a job that would fit my schedule how I wanted it.
This is my life. It's now or never. I'm going to die. A LOT sooner than I think. If I live to 100, I think I'll still be surprised at how fast life goes. That's probably my main motivator to live an excellent life, is the deep realization that I'm going to die one day. And this is all I have.
I have no option but to become everything I can possibly be in the little time I have.
Another HUGE motivator of mine is FEELING GOOD. And cold-approach pick-up makes me feel fucking incredible. Because it's the most efficient and effective way I know to identify my insecurities in order to rid myself of them, and become an excellent person with unlimited value to offer, all the while, getting hot girls and having hot sex.
It's about pursuing what I want with everything I have.
It's about being whom I was meant to be.
In order to give what I was meant to give.
And share the LOVE.
P.S. Please comment! I'll reply to every comment on here!