AZmagic's Blog

AZmagic
 
Yeah. I did it.

THE hardest decision of my life.

But I only have one life, and right now, I have only one path, and school doesn't come into it.

I'm not going to waste ANY more time.

So I wrote down my goals, why I want them, and how I'm going to get them, and then I took action steps towards each goal. At least one action step.

I've heard it said from the most successful of people: NEVER leave the scene of setting a goal without taking at least SOME kind of action towards it.

So tonight, I went out. Not for long, actually I wasn't in the club more than 15 or 20 minutes, but I stil went out. This may not seem like a big deal, but it's actually snowing here, the club is 25 minutes away, I have to walk 10 minutes in the snow to get to the club (so I can park in my free parking space), and I'm sick. So, yeah, it was more or less a bit bigger of a deal than normal for me. Mainly the snow and sick part of it though. I don't really care about the drive and walk.

I wanted to go out, and I forced myself to because I want this day to be symbolic of the rest of my life. Of doing the right things. Of living with integrity.

I'm made the difficult, right decision, and I know it will pay off. It always does.

I'm also going to the Free Tour in Atlanta, so if any of you are there, comment here, and I can't wait to meet you down there. I live in Charlotte, NC.

Anyways, I'm gonna take a shower and hit the bed.

Oh, before I forget, tonight at the club, I just went up and approached 5 different sets. Great conversations, good vibes. Again, I'm sick, so I didn't want to do anything crazy. Also, I left earlier than I even thought I would because being sick, I didn't feel comfortable getting close enough to the girls to create the kind of hard-core attraction I usually do with proximity and closeness. What's funny is that the girls were hooking actually maybe even better than normally... I don't know what it was. I'm also in a good mood because I'm excited about my life, so maybe it was some of that. Definitely something to play with though.

SEE YA!
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AZmagic
 
You know how all the other people have super awesome screen names, but you can't think of anything cool?

I'm trying, but Aaron is already taken. Someday I'll invent something awesome.

I want to get into this habit of journaling, so I'll write a bit tonight before I go to bed.

I went to a lingerie party a couple nights ago. It was fun. Definitely will do that again.

Near the end of the night at an after party I was feeling this one girl, and when she went into her room, I followed her in and told her, "I would love to fuck you tonight." She says, "That's not going to happen." I say, "Well, you're sexy as fuck, and I just had to throw it out there."

So as I put on my clothes (remember, it's a lingerie party), I'm thinking, well, even if I ruined stuff, I'm still glad I said that to her. It was totally authentic to me, and since it was 1 on 1 it's not like I put her in an awkward situation... not really... maybe  a little awkward, I guess. Ok, well, I guess I was putting too much of the decision to fuck on her, come to think of it.

I'm just not sure how else to have done it last night.

But when I was leaving, she hugged me goodbye. I was a bit surprised, because I was thinking that that was a make or break kind of move I made, but in any case, she still liked me! Yayyyy! :D

Anyways, had an AWESOME time. Didn't get laid, but learned a lot and became more comfortable in more situations.

This week is a crazy busy week for me. Working over 40 hours in the office, 2 tests, 2 homeworks, and 2 projects due for school... But I'll get it done. It'll be a good week.

I don't think I'll go out at all, so it'll be a week off here, but I'll still update this a few times.

LOVE, SEX, Self-Actualization and Self-Acceptance,

Aaron
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AZmagic
 
So this morning I woke up pissed.

I had to move my car so my sister could get out of the garage, and so doing, I started my day earlier than my heart yearned for.

I drive to my school and on the walk from the parking lot, and interesting thing happens: I stumble upon state.

See, the complexity of state is really that, while in state, it seems perfectly logical to be in state ALL THE TIME! But when "out of state," the mind often wonders how it has EVER even acheived state.

How did I get in state? Well, I started chasing some wild geese, screaming a mad, raving, lunatic scream while trying to catch them in my hands.

Needless to say, after 30 or so seconds, I was feeling pretty awesome. Actually, there was another guy just ahead of me in the parking lot, and he stopped to watch me chasing the geese. Ends up I knew him from some party or another.

But the reason I took the time to write this is not only because I want to avoid reading my infernal textbooks, but because a simple, elusively obvious fact entered into my brain: All "state" is is happiness. And to be happy, you need to do two things. 1: align yourself with your goals, make sure you're working towards them consistently. That has to do with integrity in general, and without integrity, it is much harder to acheive state. For me, for the past two days I've struggled with state because I haven't been doing something that I promised myself I would do: at least 1 hour a day studying my management training notes. Also, something else that I promised myself I would do is being compromised for this week only because of commitments to be with my sister who's going through a rough time, but I think the reason I've been down lately is because of a combination of defaulting on those two things, which are the MAIN purpose of my existence right now. Again, it's the action that I'm NOT taking that was getting me down. And still getting me down a bit, but I'm feeling better because I've decided to make up for part of it during the next two days. I'm NOT going to compromise my integrity on this.

I'm talking about LONG-TERM satisfaction here.

The second mindset and action to choose (you CAN choose your mindset) is to focus on what you DO have, rather than what you DON'T have. I was thinking about this a bit in Economics class last night when we were discussing the concept of comparitive advantage. Basically, comparative advantage is when one country is better or more efficient producing a product than another, and therefore should concentrate on producing that product. In other words, the country, in order to succeed, must focus on it's STRENGTHS and what it DOES HAVE, rather than on it's weaknesses.

It's ironic that so often in the business world we have these things down to a science, but when it comes to our personal lives we make exceptions.

Here are some of the things I have choses to focus on:
The gift of the moment. I ask myself, "What is the gift?"
If there doesn't appear to be a gift, I focus on making one.
How can I amuse myself?
What can I learn from this moment?
How can I make this moment fun?
What do I want in this moment?
Knowing that happiness is my strongest motivating force, and that giving pure love and energy are some of the easiest, most free, and most fulfilling things to give away, and that by giving them I create the happiness I desire, how can I give even more love, energy and positivity in the moment, while having integrity, presence and appreciation.

It's hard sometimes.

I sit in class as my business communication professor drones on and on about boring bullshit for which no one in the class gives a fuck.

What is the gift in this moment?

Well, I can learn something! There must be at least ONE thing cool I can learn.
Also, this is a challenging situation to use my fun seeking, positive skills in. How do I maintain state in a situation which is so fucking boring my head falls off?

Today I made a paper crane and lifted little shreds of paper from the desk onto the black cover of my notebook. The mission was to lift the biggest shreds of paper without them falling off before I could get them to where I wanted them to be.

That's thinking outside the bun.

So there it is. Even in the worst, most boing situations, there is a gift: this is a challenging situation, for me to expand my creative solutions for maintaining state. I've decided to be in this situation. Now how can I maximize it for my living pleasure?

Cool. I've got to run. Table time on campus. I can't wait to see the fun things I'll do.
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AZmagic
 
So, since tomorrow is MLK day, my favorite holiday (MLK is my boy), the clubs were open tonight.

I went out with my new friend/wing who I'm really excited about going out with now as a wing and partner in the game!

I had an awesome night.

It started out a little wierd, because as soon as we got into the club, my friend, I'll call him Miami, kept walking through, right to the girls whom he had brought. I usually say hey to the first people I see, per standard club game. So... giving it an instant's hesitation, I followed my friend instead of opening the first set. Mistake!!!

I should have stuck to the standard thing and gone up to his friends later. Because, when I went up to them, I was sort of not in my usual fun, happy club state I get from talking to the first people I see, and it literally took me like an hour or so to really get into state.

I also haven't been out for a while, so that contributed to it a bit. Gotta work those muscles, baby!

On the other hand, it was a cool experience for the very fact that I don't ever do that and go straight to my friends/people I'm going to meet there, and it took me out of my usual "comfort zone," albeit, the comfort zone of doing the "textbook" game. So... again, it was a good experience for those two reasons: it took me out of my comfort zone, and it showed me that even though it's not NECESSARY to talk to the first set on the left, it does make it easier to warm up. Much easier, IMO.

How did I finally get into state?

I stopped giving a fuck. I started dancing crazy, instead of sticking to this stupid dance that has actually gotten me a lot of attention in the past, but, for some reason it wasn't "working" tonight. Maybe I was try to rely on that to get me attention and because of that it didn't work. But for whatever reason, I didn't get into state until I stopped caring, did some crazy dancing that pushed my comfort zone, and started to just let go. I let go of what people thought of me, I let go of looking good, even to myself. I even let go of possibly getting the girl tonight. And as soon as I stopped living the condition of "safe," and started living the condition of "my world, I do what I want," I was having fun.

Danced with a couple girls tonight, but my game wasn't the usual. It's funny because I usually go out with a tie on, and tonight I didn't have one on, and I'm wondering if that made my game different. I think I want to go out without the tie though, because I know it's NOT the tie, although it may have helped me stand out and give me some status right off the bat. So I want to go out without the tie. Because I don't want to become tie-dependent. There's no cure for that.

This club ended up being pretty much ONLY a dance club. Hmmm... other than outside, where I did not venture. If I ever end up back at that club, I will alternate from dance floor to outside.

Well, it's late, and I want to end this.

Things I did well tonight were dancing like crazy w/o giving a fuck and pushing my comfort zone. Approaching and going for the dances.

Things I could have improved on: Accepted my internal state more. I was resistant for a while. Also, I could have tried more approaches and danced less alone. I could have gone for the make-out, which I didn't even try for ONCE tonight. Also, I could have gone outside to do gaming where girls could actually hear me, and tried for some dance floor to outside venue changes.

I can see the game starting to make sense. It's STARTING to come together. I WILL be a master at this.

This semester I'll go out 5 times a week. This is my future. I am the man, and I am on my path to greatness. After my branch, I'll have to semesters to learn and grow and fuck, and then I'll talk with the RSD staff and ask to be a part of it all.

If any of you are reading this, by the way, I WILL work for your company one day soon. You will want me to work for your company. I may not be completely up to speed right now, but I promise I will be. I want this, bad. And only God himself will stop me. I'm finally on track, and it feels fucking good.

Goodnight!
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AZmagic
 
So tonight was kind of a weird night.

I sucked on some random girl's boob while another guy sucked on her other one, in front of like 4 other people, at least, who were looking on the whole thing happening.

It was like she was some sort of nympho and she was just really getting off to it. This guy who brought her was a badass, too. He was just letting us do that stuff. I actually feel kind of weird about it, but at the same time good, like I stepped to another level somehow.

I pulled this one girl into a room before I went home, and... I tried to go for the pull, telling her I wanted to take her home. The weird part is, I really wasn't feeling it all that much, and I was straight up with her, telling her that after she told me no. I just have this weird energy going on right now or something. I'm sure it will be gone soon, but it's like, I'm THINKING psychologically that I want to have sex, in order to increase my PUA skills, but I'm not really feeling it in my body right now. I think it's just an off night for me. I need to stop watching porn.

I actually put that on my goals when I was writing today. I wrote down what I wanted and why I wanted it. I wrote how I was going to get it and what I am going to eliminate in order to get it, as well. I think  my "off" vibe tonight had something to do with me not feeling like I deserved sex or something.

And that doesn't make LOGICAL sense to me. Because I know I'm awesome. Today I got a few things done... I do wish I had completed more stuff... but, there was this one girl at the party that I almost hooked up with and she ended up giving me blue balls, and maybe psychological issues with her were making me feel like it didn't happen because I wasn't good enough or something.

Is this true? No. When did I start believing that this might be true? When Bethany B, my first crush, rejected my advances, maybe. I forgive her. Whatever, it's cool. On the one hand, I'm glad that my first three crushes didn't work out, because it made me into the person I am today.

I'm going to chalk this night up to the fact that it was just an off night. I need to get into my rythem. I think that's spelled wrong, but I'm not going to find out how to spell it right now.

When it comes down to it, I think part of the reason I wasn't feeling as turned on tonight was because of masturbating to porn. See, deep down, I really don't want to do it, but I'll still do it. Often. And that's going against my deep down grain, which is unhealthy for my psyche.

I'm stopping though. It's one of the things I'm quitting in order to have a better life and get what I want.

Hmmm... I'm just thinking about the fact that two nights ago I went to a friend's house and was totally in state, I drank only a little, and ended up fucking this girl that I had also fucked back in October of last year. Maybe not being turned on had something to do with all that happening. I don't know.

In any case, I wanted to type some of my thoughts out here before I went to sleep, because typing things out usually helps me to think things through more clearly, and it feels good to have the thoughts down on paper where I don't have to worry about storing everything in my head.

I wonder if that's why some people talk so much is because their brains are extra-loaded with stuff to say and their filter is broken. I don't know.

Ok, I've done enough rambling. I'm going to see my mom tomorrow, whom I haven't seen in a few months, so I'm probably not going to go out tomorrow night, but I will, however, go out Sunday night, and hopefully to the mall during the day time as well.

Give value. Always.
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AZmagic
 
I'm going out on Thursday night.

If my buddies come with me, awesome.

If not, I'm going to suck it up and be a fucking man and go out alone.

I'm not going to take this goddamned lack any more.

I'm going out on Thursday night.
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AZmagic
 
FR first:

Was eating ceral. Dry. In a kind of open brick circle on campus of my college. There were people and groups of people all spaced out, mostly doing homework. Group of four girls to my left. I didn't open them right away. I was eating my cereal like a chode.

My phone rang. Homework girl. Fun. We're supposed to be meeting tonight.... hahaha, if it actually doesn't end up working. I'm waiting on her phone call... God damn it... anyways... after fun phone call, I say "HELLO!" like, really, really loud to the four set which is on a bench about 6 or 7 feet from me. They all look up. Instant IOIs. It's all about the booming opening.

I told them how could the expect me to just sit there eating my dry cereal and not talk to a group of beautiful girls.

...I don't think the beautiful girls part actually went over that well.

Next time I'll just say monkeys. Hopefully they won't be black.

Anyways, they didn't really engage in conversation. I should have called them monkeys or kuala bears.

So. I also went up to two different girls and talked with them about how I was sad and about how everyone was sad and I could see it in their eyes.

And this is something that I really find true. I think in general, most people are not happy. In most people's everyday lives, they don't seem happy to me.

And I'm a lot happier now that I've thought a little about this. I haven't figured it out, but I think I will...

I basically got a pad and pen and wrote down stuff. It looked like this:

Why am I sad? Why are most people sad?
-Because I don't have everything I want?
   -No. Having things doesn't make me happy.
   -Because I'm not happy. That is the answer
What makes me happy?
   -Giving
Anger is resistance. I will not resist. Fear is anger that has not turned into anger. Fear is generally irrational.

I'm mad because I feel like I could be doing better things with my life.
   -Like what?
Things that give me a purpse and make me happy and ultimately align with my core purpose in life.
What is my purpose in life?
-To give to others and make life an over-all more enjoyable experience.
How do I make life a more enjoyable experience?
1. Pay attention to the things that make me and people happy and creat more of these experiences.
2. By defining my core purpose and living to it at every moment.

Things that truly make me happy:
-Giving
  -Which kind of giving makes me happy?
   -Making people laugh
   -Giving a woman an orgasm. :D
   -Making others happy.
    -How does another person become happy and how can I "make" a person happy, if possible?
Well, since all people, when talking about personal attributes, are similar, they must become happy in the same way I become happy, not counting personal preferences like taste in movies, etc.
    So it follows that the way to truly make others happy is by allowing them to do what makes them happy. What are these things?
-Giving.
-In other words, when I allow others to give, or show them how they can give, or help them believe that they can give, I am actually "making" them happy.
Because, does getting what I want really make me happy in and of itself?
-No. Getting what I want only makes me happy if I am able to give even more once I have that thing.
And deep down, the biggest reason we want things is because we actually want to give things, and be able to give things.
The more we can give, the more we are worth. Therefore, it would seem more productive to ask, "How could I become a better giver" than "How can I get more."
Because if giving is really what everyone wants, then that is what you want and that is what I want.
Think about it. Really, really think about it.

I did. I thought about these things for about an hour and a half, and I'm still not finished. And really, that hour and a half was the result of hours upon hours of trying to figure out life and the meaning of everything.

I hope this helps people. I know it made me happier! To at least understand what makes me happy made me much happier. Because... it's like, now I have a map I can follow and even show to others if they want more happiness.

Also, one last thought.

The reason we grow ourselves is not for growth itself. But for the ability to give more.

So, between when I was writing this up and now, a girl came over.

OH yeah!

lol.

Anyways... I'm excited about it because it was the first girl that I've actually ever invited over to my place.

Granted, it was for homework, but still... it shows how far I've come.

And now that's she's been over once, I'm sure she'll be up for coming over again.

Also... she actually saw this blog for an instant because I hadn't posted it so I didn't quit it, and she was like, "What's RSDN? And I was just like... "Uh. That's my blog."

Anyways...

She's cute as hell. I tried to kiss her like 7 times and she didn't go for it.

I met her in my accounting class and we were studying tonight.

I felt like I should have kissed her earlier, but I waited... and I'm thinking maybe I missed my window of opportunity or something. I don't know.

But when I went in to kiss her, she always smiled and turned away and we just kept on studying.

One time near the last time... it probably was the last time I tried, she said, "You're so foward!" And I was like, "Yes! I am!" She laughed.

I really wanted to kiss her. I should have gone for it earlier. I was nervous. Next time, I'll just go for it when I first feel like it. She was giving me IOIs out of the wazzoo.

That would suck if she somehow found this, lmao. It would be cool. Whatever. I have lots of girls... which is becoming more and more true.

So, anyways. Lessons from tonight were: Go for the makeout earlier. When I feel it, right at first. The things we fear most or usually the things we most need to do. -Tim Ferris quote for you.

So! I have an accounting test with her tomorrow... don't really expect anything to happen then... actually, strike that. I'll show up early and talk with other girls.

She needs to be reminded of how awesome I am. Jealousy plotline.

Lesson learned: What you fear most is what you most need to do.

I was thinking, what is a rational fear? Fear of fire? But the thing is... I don't FEAR fire. I just know what it is and I don't stick my penis in it. Well... not actual fire anyway.

I don't fear the law (policmen, whatever). I just know the rules and I pretty much stay in them.

My only fears are really pretty irrational and will never happen. Plus, if they did happen, it wouldn't be that bad.

=a girl rejects me. hahaha... this is kind of funny, and I actually never really feel bad from it. I feel better than if I hadn't tried.

=the class doesn't laugh at my joke. Haha. This has happened, but usually doesn't, because I'm actually really funny. Worst case, no one laughs. Not really that bad. I feel better for trying than if I didn't. Plus, I don't feel stupid either because I know my jokes are funny.

=getting beaten up by an enraged boyfriend/male friend. Well, this is probably the most reasonable, since it's almost happened a LOT. Guys here in Charlotte get pissed easily and get physical. I should just let this happen, or at least... not try to AVOID it. Not bring it on, but if it happens, then it happens. I almost want the shit beaten out of me so that I discover it's not that bad, just like all the rest of my fears.

Plus, that which don't kill me makes me stronger better faster longer.

And we all know that's what we want to be.

I'm getting Stronger. Better. Faster. Longer... (Maybe longer... idk) every day. Because I'm taking action. Albeit, not die hard 5-7 days a week like I will after college to get this shit handled, but I'm doing a little bit pretty much 5 days a week at least.

Tomorrow my goal is jealousy plotline + one joke in class. Plus talking to random strangers as always while walking to and from classes.

PEACE!
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AZmagic
 
Great book. I'm listening to it on audio right now and I'm going to write down some of my answers to the tough questions he asks.

1. Define my nightmare: the absolute worst that could happen if I did what I'm considering. What doubts, fears and what ifs pop up as I consider the big changes I can or need to make? Envision them in painstakeing detail. Would it be the end of my life? What would be the permanent impact, if any on a scale of 1-10? Are these things really permanent? How likely do I think it is that they would actually happen?

First of all, let me define what it is I want to do: pursue pick-up full time, as in 7 days a week for as long as it takes... Aikido and Dancing, too. Sales is cool, but... I'm doing it right now for the experience, not as much because I actually love it. I love the experience, so... that's really why I do it. The money is good, but I don't really care about money. I just want enough to be able to do what I want... and what I want to do is pick up, which doesn't really take much money. In fact... I'll be 21 in April, so let's say worst case, it took $10 a night, so $70 a week... that's about $300 a month, which I know I wouldn't even spend close to, but... say it took $200 a month for gas money...? Because I'm not buying drinks when I go out. Granted, I can't really do it anyways for a few more months, but even then... it's not going to be more than... probably, if I could pursue this completely full time, meaning an hour or two during the day and night times... well, day game doesn't cost anything, unless the Israeli sales lady gets you at the mall, so we're left with night game. Night game can cost around... $10 a night, 5x a week, I guess... maybe. Say worst case it cost $20 a night in Las Angeles for Tues-Sat night, that's $400 a night. I don't eat out, I cook at home, so it costs me only about $30 a week for groceries... yes, it is seriously that rediculously cheap, so that means about $150 on a really high end per month. $550 so far. Add in rent, which right now is pretty awesome at around $330 per month including utilities...could probably find something for $500 downtown with a roomate. Add in gas = about $120 a month maybe... high end. Add internet, $20 I guess. So far about $1200 a month to live pretty well in a nice place... going out a TON. That's not too bad. So. Say I want to make $2000 a month so I can definitely put some away for savings and make sure I'll have somthing to drive when my car dies, that's only $24000 a year. $3600 for taxes, if I'm 1099. Hmmmm..... And that's what I want to do. So bad. More than anything else. Everything I'm doing now is because I think that I will be able to do that later. That's my purpose in life. Well, really, my purpose in life is to be happy, but what makes me happy is doing those things. Or in other words, the actions and the journey. I would want to drop out of college after this last semester and after the summer running a branch office I can do this. I have 2 years left after this semester. And... actually, I'm not going to drop out. So, that's not what I want. I want to finish. I'm going to finish and finish well. It's two more years. Plus, I get all the college girl experience, I'm starting a fraternity as well, so it's not like I'm not having any fun. Nah... I'm doing college. But THEN! I'm not going to go straight into the "workforce." I'm going to do Pick up, aikido and dance. I'll get a job wherever I can... I'll have lots of experience by then, probably mostly due to this upcoming summer, and I'll rock it. So, when I think about it, I actually don't want to drop out of school. I actually want to do school because it's going to benefit my future forever. Because it's fun and because the degree will help me out a lot for whatever job I want to do. I know everyone looks back and wishes they were still in college. Or, maybe not everyone, but I know it's a fond period of time for a lot of people, and in retrospect, we can see how most all of our experiences helped to shape who we are and if we're on the right track and we love our life, then we love our experiences. The key is simply making the most of the experiences, making the most experiences, and having fun learning, growing, failing and succeeding. I know right now all this probably looks like brain-vomit to most people. In fact, most people probably just looked at the glob of words and decided it was too much for them. But if you made it this far, then thanks for listening. I'm not finished. I'm writing this for me, and if you want to watch then that's fine.

My nightmare: doubts, fears and what ifs that pop up:

Worst case: After two more years of school (after this semester and summer) I have a B.S. degree (haha, b.s.) and I get some shitty job that I hate where I can pursue pick up full time. Haha! That's an awesome scenario! The worst case scenario is actually not bad at all. My doubts, fears and what ifs are basically, what if... I run out of girls in Charlotte. haha! I'll move!!! What if... I get beat up? Well, that's why I'm taking Aikido now, so that's actually not likely. Plus, if it did happen, then I'll just be stronger when I get out. What if I can't do this? Not a question. I can do it. Anyone can do it. And maybe I'm more analytical. Maybe I'm not as quick as some... but I know I'm smart. I'm really smart. And when I do get it, it will be unstoppable. I'm already unstoppable, but... (yes, aside from God. Give respect where it's due) when I get this figured out completely, man! It'll be powerful. I really don't have any fears that are holding me back from this. Not now... they'll be stronger when it's time, I'm sure, but...I don't need to worry about that now.

Nothing that I can fear anyway from this will likely happen. And even if it did... it really wouldn't be that bad. What? I'd get humiliated in front of many people. Big deal. Happened before to me, probably... I think. I'm actually not too insecure about it.

Probably my biggest sticking point is just trusting my gut and not trying to make everything perfect. What I'm learning right now is that it's much better to be confident and mess up than to appear unconfident while trying not to mess up.

Question 2: What steps could I take to repair the damage or get things back on the up-swing, even if temporarily. Chances are it's easier than I imagine. How could I get things back under control?

-Well, the damage is really just that I've been not super happy about what I'm doing now. I'm not enjoying it as much as I'd like, and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that sometimes I don't know why I"m doing it. But what I can do is create a list I can hang up somewhere to constantly remind myself of my purpose of doing what I'm doing. Maybe that will make it easier to get up in the morning.  That's probably the hardest part now. 'Course, going to bed earlier would probably help that... but then again... not really. I've found that it doesn't really matter how much sleep I've gotten the night before, but as long as I have compelling reasons to get up, I get up when I want to. And, of course, it seems like I"m getting up because I "have" to, but really, I don't "have" to do anything I don't want. I realize that my life is a choice, and that's a responsibility that seems dauting at first, but it also frees me. I know whose hands my life is in, and... well... I take responsibility. I think God helps me out... and my parents and friends...so what I'm really getting at is that I know that I make the choices or my life. Others may or may not help or offer advice, but in the end, I'm responsible for creating the life I want. Which is awesome. And I don't want to keep saying, "My life is GOING to be awesome." I want my life to be awesome now. And what is the definition of an awesome life? A life that I enjoy. So what are the things I enjoy? Pick up. Aikido. Dancing. Singing. Playing music. writing songs. Helping people, and specifically helping people get their own lives straightened out. Those are my passions. I also like hiking, partying with friends, learning, reading good books. All these things make me feel like a better person. I am an oak tree. Perfect right now though not ever as big as I'll get. I have a potential that is unlimited, but it comes naturally since I'm an oak tree. I don't have to worry that I won't reach my potential. I have an innate desire to learn, and... it will always be there. I can always, always, always be better, but that's not the point. The baby oak tree is not less happy than the huge father oak tree. They're both growing still, and learning at their different capacities.

When I become even more aware of my feelings, I feel sadness. But there is peace under it. I think the sadness comes from... I don't know, the fact that I feel like I'm losing God. I was raised a Christian... and I believe in Jesus... I just hope he believes in me. So... it's that loss that I'm feeling. I feel like I'm denying God by pursuing pick-up. I feel like I may be losing my place in Heaven. But... that doesn't make sense! How can I do or not do anything to make God love me more or less... or to make me not his child if I already am his child? I don't think it's possible. I've been sealed. Now, anything I do may grieve the holy spirit, but... maybe that's what I feel then Maybe the holy spirit is grieving and I feel him.

Do I really want to Gamble with eternity? Because that's what I'm doing. I'm gambling with my eternal destiny.
I'll take my odds for now. God damn it. That's where I'm at.

Anyways, I'll finish this later. Gotta PARTY!
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AZmagic
 
There's this girl in my Econ class who looks like Lois Lane from Smallville.

Not that I watch Smallville. My roomate does.

Clark Kent is a pussy.

But anyways, I told my buddy that I sit beside that I was going to sit in her seat before she came to class, which was actually on the opposite side of the room. I actually sat in the seat beside where she sat today. Maybe I should have sat in her seat.

She ended up sitting in the row above me. That sucked. But not to be deterred, I went after her after class.

She pulled out her cellphone. Crap. So I decided that I need this kind of practice if I'm going to really master this stuff. I walked up a little past her, then turned back and said Hey. (Mystery game).

She stopped.

It was kind of funny, actually. I said, "Hey! I thought you were cute and I had to meet you. My name is Aaron." *Hand extended to shake*

HB_LoisLane: I have a boyfriend. And I'm talking to him on the phone right now."
Me: Awesome.
*pause*
HB_LoisLane: I can't talk.
Me: Ok. I just wanted to say hey. *walks away*

So... yeah. I actually didn't feel bad after I walked away. I actually felt really good, because I had done the approach. This happens to me every time, really. I've been blown out from the opener enough times to not really care if I get a blow out, so I didn't feel bad or anything. In fact, I consider that a good try. I smiled for a long time afterwards because I had tried.

By the way, this was at about 12:20pm in the afternoon. I'm wondering if it would have been totally bad to have tried the claw instead of the handshake? Sometimes I don't know if the handshake is really good, because it's almost businesslike. I guess, unless I used it to go straight into thumb war, as if that was what I was doing the whole time... that would be pretty funny, I think.

Then I could spin her around and let her go and if everything went according to plan, she should be sufficiently attracted to have a normal conversation... most likely... maybe a little teasing before chodersating. ...taking Ryan's advice there.

Also, next time I get a attempted "cellphone blowout" I'll just tell her to call them back later. I want to meet her right now and I don't have long. Or something like that...

Granted, I was a little nervous. Premeditating a shit-load about this one approach didn't help things.

Or... Ha! I could have walked beside her, holding up my hand like a phone shape and mimicked what she was saying on the phone until she opened me.

Dude... that seems like a great cellphone girl opener.

Genius.

That's why it's always good to come back and write details down.

Enjoy the story. If you've got any suggestions, feel free to shout.
1 Comments | 353 Views
AZmagic
 
I decided to post this after a little thought, because this is how I feel.

And I don't need an excuse for my feelings.

I want to be the best pick up artist in the world.

Is that going to happen today? No. In fact, judging from others' experience and a little of my own, it's not going to be a very short process.

But here is a list of the reasons why I want to be the best pick up artist in the world.

Obviously, the "why" behind the "what" is the actual motivation for getting the what done.

Here are 25 of my reasons. Not in order of importance.

1. Because I want my life to be an inspiration to others of what is possible for any ordinary man.
2. Because with the mastery of this skillset I will be able to offer even more value to the world.
3. Because I never, ever want to have to worry about scarcity of women or sex in my life.
4. Because I wnt abundance of beautiful, intelligent, sexy, fun women in my life and sex life.
5. Because I want to have nimbus.
6. Because I never want to be a tool or feel used by women or men, for that matter.
7. Because I want to have sex whenever I want.
8. Because I want to kiss girls whenever I want.
9. Because I want the confidence of knowing that whatever I want I can get.
10. Because I actually really, really want what I want and I feel like I deserve it.
11. Because I never want to feel insecure around men or women ever again.
12. Because I want to feel 100% secure, confident and relaxed in every type of situation.
13. Because I want to move past failure.
14. Because I want to learn the deeper lessons of life and help others learn them as well if they want to.
15. Because I don't want to be lonely.
16. Because I want to be surrounded with other similar, amazing people who we make each other's lives better and more fun.
17. Because I only have one life and I want to make the most out of it.
18. Because I want to have incredible adventures to tell about and to smile about.
19. Because I want to live life perfectly happy and carefree--anxiety free.
20. Because I know I will have a better life and a deeper, richer understanding of things.
21. Because I want to do whatever I want--and this will at least get me even closer to that goal.
22. Because I want to work with RSD.
23. Because I want to feel like the man and know that I am the man.
24. Because I don't just want to be okay or even good, but I want to be the best in at least the areas of life that I care about.
25. Because I want to be a great leader, leading other men to the greatness we all deserve.

Now. Here are some specific actions steps I will take in order to get what I want.

Action Step 1: I will be super-social. I will converse with anyoneand everyone around me at all possible times.
Action Step 2: I will not hesitate. I will trust my gut and go with it. If in the event that I should happen to hesitate, I will realize I am hesitating and stop hesitating, even if it makes for a potentially awkward situation. By doing this, I will reveal to my mind why I should simply trust my gut and not hesitate, as hesitation has worse consequences than not hesitating.
          Example 1: If I think of a joke and hesitate to tell it, I will STILL tell my joke. I will still tellthe joke even if it is now severly miscalibrated,thereby effectively reminding my mind not to hesitate if it doesn't want to be embarrased.
          Example 2: Hot girl walking by. I fi hesitate, I will still go in, no matter what and thereby also reveal to my mind how uch more benificial it is to trust my gut and not hesitate.
          Example 3: He who hesitates masturbates. ...But I will not masturbate. I will get off only by girl or wet dream, whichever comes first.

So 1, if someone is around me, then I am conversing with them. I am practicing frame control, humor, fun conversation, interesting conversation... all of these things. But mainly, I am just having fun, conversing.

And 2, if my gut is telling me to do something, I will do it. This might get me in trouble a lot... but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Haha! Stories will come, because this is starting tomorrow.

I only wanted to make 2 actions steps, because I know from experience that more can simply be too overwhelming.

Constantly Converse.
No hesitation.

In fact, if I get into shit over this, that simply makes it that much more interesting.

And one of my reasons is for the adventure anyways.

Before I nod off to bed here, I wanted to post some quick thoughts from earlier today.

In class sat beside same girl as last period. Died red hair, purty mouth (she's southern...). We chatted a bit on the way out of class and before class... just chodersation, really.

I'm trying out Ryan's "don't be scare to say dumb things" stuff. ...I wanna see how this is working. It actually makes me feel a lot more comfortable, because I'm not always trying to think of something cool to say... which is OBVIOUSLY a form of qualifying.

Anyways, I want to bang her. Straight up. I'm not going to lie.

And the things is, she probably knows it.

I high fived her today after I found out her major was the same as mine--International Business.

It's funny, because a lot of times you can tell a lot about where the girl is at by how long she keeps her hand there to high five you.

There was a slight staying... hahaha... anyways. It's not really that big of a deal to me, I just wanted to write about it because I want to start writing about all these little things.

Something I've been learning over the past month is that the story is made by the DETAILS. And that doesn't mean that it's loaded with way too many details, but it has the INTERESTING details in it... which really comes down to what *I* think is interesting.

I'm loving this NuRSDN so freaking much! It's a great layout and makes it a lot easier to keep up with BLOGS and stuff.

So, how am I going to move things foward with HB_highfive?

Problem identification time: cool places to hang out with her lacking, exluding my apartment.

The MALL! Wow... I'm such a genius. I'll take her to the mall.

Not that I need to shop... but I can always look at cool club shoes that I will get one day when I'm rich and famous.

It's perfect, she'll give me her valuable female input and then I'll input my valuable maleness.

Ying and yang.

But now I'm just rambling.

Actions steps = constant conversations/no hesitations.
2 Comments | 451 Views