Great book. I'm listening to it on audio right now and I'm going to write down some of my answers to the tough questions he asks.
1. Define my nightmare: the absolute worst that could happen if I did what I'm considering. What doubts, fears and what ifs pop up as I consider the big changes I can or need to make? Envision them in painstakeing detail. Would it be the end of my life? What would be the permanent impact, if any on a scale of 1-10? Are these things really permanent? How likely do I think it is that they would actually happen?
First of all, let me define what it is I want to do: pursue pick-up full time, as in 7 days a week for as long as it takes... Aikido and Dancing, too. Sales is cool, but... I'm doing it right now for the experience, not as much because I actually love it. I love the experience, so... that's really why I do it. The money is good, but I don't really care about money. I just want enough to be able to do what I want... and what I want to do is pick up, which doesn't really take much money. In fact... I'll be 21 in April, so let's say worst case, it took $10 a night, so $70 a week... that's about $300 a month, which I know I wouldn't even spend close to, but... say it took $200 a month for gas money...? Because I'm not buying drinks when I go out. Granted, I can't really do it anyways for a few more months, but even then... it's not going to be more than... probably, if I could pursue this completely full time, meaning an hour or two during the day and night times... well, day game doesn't cost anything, unless the Israeli sales lady gets you at the mall, so we're left with night game. Night game can cost around... $10 a night, 5x a week, I guess... maybe. Say worst case it cost $20 a night in Las Angeles for Tues-Sat night, that's $400 a night. I don't eat out, I cook at home, so it costs me only about $30 a week for groceries... yes, it is seriously that rediculously cheap, so that means about $150 on a really high end per month. $550 so far. Add in rent, which right now is pretty awesome at around $330 per month including utilities...could probably find something for $500 downtown with a roomate. Add in gas = about $120 a month maybe... high end. Add internet, $20 I guess. So far about $1200 a month to live pretty well in a nice place... going out a TON. That's not too bad. So. Say I want to make $2000 a month so I can definitely put some away for savings and make sure I'll have somthing to drive when my car dies, that's only $24000 a year. $3600 for taxes, if I'm 1099. Hmmmm..... And that's what I want to do. So bad. More than anything else. Everything I'm doing now is because I think that I will be able to do that later. That's my purpose in life. Well, really, my purpose in life is to be happy, but what makes me happy is doing those things. Or in other words, the actions and the journey. I would want to drop out of college after this last semester and after the summer running a branch office I can do this. I have 2 years left after this semester. And... actually, I'm not going to drop out. So, that's not what I want. I want to finish. I'm going to finish and finish well. It's two more years. Plus, I get all the college girl experience, I'm starting a fraternity as well, so it's not like I'm not having any fun. Nah... I'm doing college. But THEN! I'm not going to go straight into the "workforce." I'm going to do Pick up, aikido and dance. I'll get a job wherever I can... I'll have lots of experience by then, probably mostly due to this upcoming summer, and I'll rock it. So, when I think about it, I actually don't want to drop out of school. I actually want to do school because it's going to benefit my future forever. Because it's fun and because the degree will help me out a lot for whatever job I want to do. I know everyone looks back and wishes they were still in college. Or, maybe not everyone, but I know it's a fond period of time for a lot of people, and in retrospect, we can see how most all of our experiences helped to shape who we are and if we're on the right track and we love our life, then we love our experiences. The key is simply making the most of the experiences, making the most experiences, and having fun learning, growing, failing and succeeding. I know right now all this probably looks like brain-vomit to most people. In fact, most people probably just looked at the glob of words and decided it was too much for them. But if you made it this far, then thanks for listening. I'm not finished. I'm writing this for me, and if you want to watch then that's fine.
My nightmare: doubts, fears and what ifs that pop up:
Worst case: After two more years of school (after this semester and summer) I have a B.S. degree (haha, b.s.) and I get some shitty job that I hate where I can pursue pick up full time. Haha! That's an awesome scenario! The worst case scenario is actually not bad at all. My doubts, fears and what ifs are basically, what if... I run out of girls in Charlotte. haha! I'll move!!! What if... I get beat up? Well, that's why I'm taking Aikido now, so that's actually not likely. Plus, if it did happen, then I'll just be stronger when I get out. What if I can't do this? Not a question. I can do it. Anyone can do it. And maybe I'm more analytical. Maybe I'm not as quick as some... but I know I'm smart. I'm really smart. And when I do get it, it will be unstoppable. I'm already unstoppable, but... (yes, aside from God. Give respect where it's due) when I get this figured out completely, man! It'll be powerful. I really don't have any fears that are holding me back from this. Not now... they'll be stronger when it's time, I'm sure, but...I don't need to worry about that now.
Nothing that I can fear anyway from this will likely happen. And even if it did... it really wouldn't be that bad. What? I'd get humiliated in front of many people. Big deal. Happened before to me, probably... I think. I'm actually not too insecure about it.
Probably my biggest sticking point is just trusting my gut and not trying to make everything perfect. What I'm learning right now is that it's much better to be confident and mess up than to appear unconfident while trying not to mess up.
Question 2: What steps could I take to repair the damage or get things back on the up-swing, even if temporarily. Chances are it's easier than I imagine. How could I get things back under control?
-Well, the damage is really just that I've been not super happy about what I'm doing now. I'm not enjoying it as much as I'd like, and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that sometimes I don't know why I"m doing it. But what I can do is create a list I can hang up somewhere to constantly remind myself of my purpose of doing what I'm doing. Maybe that will make it easier to get up in the morning. That's probably the hardest part now. 'Course, going to bed earlier would probably help that... but then again... not really. I've found that it doesn't really matter how much sleep I've gotten the night before, but as long as I have compelling reasons to get up, I get up when I want to. And, of course, it seems like I"m getting up because I "have" to, but really, I don't "have" to do anything I don't want. I realize that my life is a choice, and that's a responsibility that seems dauting at first, but it also frees me. I know whose hands my life is in, and... well... I take responsibility. I think God helps me out... and my parents and friends...so what I'm really getting at is that I know that I make the choices or my life. Others may or may not help or offer advice, but in the end, I'm responsible for creating the life I want. Which is awesome. And I don't want to keep saying, "My life is GOING to be awesome." I want my life to be awesome now. And what is the definition of an awesome life? A life that I enjoy. So what are the things I enjoy? Pick up. Aikido. Dancing. Singing. Playing music. writing songs. Helping people, and specifically helping people get their own lives straightened out. Those are my passions. I also like hiking, partying with friends, learning, reading good books. All these things make me feel like a better person. I am an oak tree. Perfect right now though not ever as big as I'll get. I have a potential that is unlimited, but it comes naturally since I'm an oak tree. I don't have to worry that I won't reach my potential. I have an innate desire to learn, and... it will always be there. I can always, always, always be better, but that's not the point. The baby oak tree is not less happy than the huge father oak tree. They're both growing still, and learning at their different capacities.
When I become even more aware of my feelings, I feel sadness. But there is peace under it. I think the sadness comes from... I don't know, the fact that I feel like I'm losing God. I was raised a Christian... and I believe in Jesus... I just hope he believes in me. So... it's that loss that I'm feeling. I feel like I'm denying God by pursuing pick-up. I feel like I may be losing my place in Heaven. But... that doesn't make sense! How can I do or not do anything to make God love me more or less... or to make me not his child if I already am his child? I don't think it's possible. I've been sealed. Now, anything I do may grieve the holy spirit, but... maybe that's what I feel then Maybe the holy spirit is grieving and I feel him.
Do I really want to Gamble with eternity? Because that's what I'm doing. I'm gambling with my eternal destiny.
I'll take my odds for now. God damn it. That's where I'm at.
Anyways, I'll finish this later. Gotta PARTY!