Field Reports

Continuing with my daily post commitment. I woke up feeling anxious after having a dream about one of the girls I'm talking to. I go to Korean class and try to pay attention but it's hard. I have to get used to concentrating my full attention on whatever task of have at hand and just immerse myself into it. That's why I'm going to start rapping as a hobby, I should never sit idle reading facebook statuses. Always be making things happen. Sharpen the mind, cultivate the consistent mindset I need for success. It takes discipline. 

I hanged out with RichGuy and Indra, had some lunch. RichGuy has a cute girlfriend. He's a rich, laidback guy, not particulary charismatic, but with all that money... maybe he never saw the need to be. Whatever. He cares about his girl, and he goes out of his way for her. Enough said. My friend Wakeboarder is the same way.  I used to think he was so AFC because he took her on expensive dates and bought her a $300 dollar ring for a month before sealing the deal. But he got it in, and they're together now. He spends all his free time with her, stays away from social circles b/c of the drama -- something I've been doing recently as well. I hang mainly with Indra and Dragonboat now. I no longer spend my time with the Cloud4 social circle. No need to, I have my own place.. I'm trying to make a life for myself.

I see how my friends with girlfriends.. RichGuy, Wake, and KidFare... they all spent all their free time with their girls and really go out of their way for their girls. They're caring. I don't have a girlfriend because I wasn't willing to do this with Nil, who really liked me, and just waited for me. I didn't chase girls. I would show interest if interest was shown to me, but never went out of my way. That's why she's doubting the relationship, because I didn't call her... if I want to be with her, then I have to go out of my way and call her and wine and dine her.... Playing hard to get and getting her jealous made her want me at first, but I can't make her my girlfriend by doing that. I have to do what makes my stomach churn and head dizzy. I have to show that I love and care for this girl that acts testy as hell when I try to reach out and talk to her. Shit man.

But I'm not mad, that's just the way it is... I don't see it as "failure".... in my mind, there's no such thing.. only Feedback. I don't despise Feedback. How else would I understand reality? Fair enough. It's cool yo. I see Nil today, she pretends to not see me so my reflex is to ignore her. That's not gonna get me any closer to being with her... but do I really want to? Do I want to be a boyfriend for the first time in my life? It would change my life forever... She's not the most stellar girl, I only want her because of the way I've built her up in my mind.... but that's everyone.

Pickup literature that I acquired actually holds me back b/c I have the mush of info in my head that doesn't apply to relationships... so everything I learn has to be from observing my friends who are in relationships right now. Show you care. Talk to her. Go out of your way. Make the moves. The most OBVIOUS shit. It's not hard at all. All I have to do is call and talk. Simple.

She shouldn't affect my reality. She's just a attention loving dorky girl. I should move through life as a man. The calm in the storm. It's my reality after all. I'm just going to be really nice to her when I see her and go on with my life. I have bigger things to worry about at this age then what a little girl thinks about me. This is the most critical period of my life when I need to be cultivating INTERNAL DISCIPLINE and ETHICS that will allow me to be successful for the rest of my life. Girls are just a distraction... yea love and connection is nice... but I have BIGGER things to do with my life. I'm going to remain a PLAYER right now until my mid-20's. There's TOO MUCH i have to do.

I havent been studying, I don't have a solid plans for next year, I have no future plans. Yeah I've met some cool people and realigned my social life and become stronger thru experience, but I need to be WORKING PROGRESSIVELY towards a LONGTERM GOAL. Fuck the instant gratification our culture promotes. I want to MAKE SOMETHING and BRING MY PASSION into it. I need to expand my knowledge and exercise my social muscles, but girls, parties, facebook are just ultimately distractions from my HIGHER CALLING.

I'm going to go catch up my studies and finish all my papers. Make definite plans for next year's living. Try to become a CA for UCenter. Plan out job fair meetups, clean up the resume, look for work. Call the family, plan out the week/month.

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