Field Reports

I feel good right now, a little bit manic and therefore in the mood to write. Let's get down to business.

I want to record my thoughts on a public forum because it encourages me to be accountable as well as up my standards of writing. Back in the day I would write a lot, but I had very little experience, so most of what I said was just regurgitated mush. My standard is a lot higher now. I'm going to post field reports up here regularly regardless of whether I feel like it's good or not, because it let's me "relive the movie" again so I can see where I could have improved. I don't have great memory so it's hard for me to remember mistakes or accomplishments in detail.

I will be consistent. Not many guys can say that about themselves. I am consistent.

Okay, so the past few weeks have been almost hard for me to take in. I was texting this girl that I had a thing with while I'm on the bus to this college party. She's telling me how she wishes I could be that guy she needs in her life right now. I think, cool, she still likes me.. I still have a shot with her. At the party, I meet this new girl who I end up staying over with. The thrill of meeting and hooking up with a new girl is incomparable with anything else I've experienced. It's like going on a rollercoaster ride. I love it.

I we hook up after talking for two hours. It's obvious that she's into me, though I still have a little voice in the back of my head doubting myself - I squash it and move on. We hook up and she puts on token resistance. She ends up taking everything off herself. "So are you gonna take it off or not?" Always go for it. The kiss. The feeling up. The bra. Everything. The Man is the Mover. The women will resist initially, but that must not deter you.

She gives me head the morning after. I go down on her. I finally did it. She wouldn't have intercourse because of personal reasons, but we did everything else. I saw her last night and made her cum with my fingers. This was my first real sexual experience. I was hyped at the time, it made sex seem like not a big deal. Ever since I first got into college, sex was something I expected to just happen. There were numerous opportunities I had presented to me in the past four years (even in high school) but I just didn't take them... because I was prude. But that frustration made me study pickup literature and enlightened me, making me more self-aware, improving my fashion, body language, speech. So I don't regret any of it. But the most important thing I realized is that it's NOT a big deal. Talking to girls and having sex isn't a big deal at all. You don't have as much control as you think. You talk to a lot of girls, look for the ones who are down, and go for it. Not working? Keep going for it. Work on yourself. I watch how players act, I model their swag and speech and as a result create something that's my own.

What I realized is that it's important that I trust my own understanding of past experiences instead of doing something that I read. When I see something done, I see it as objectively as possible and then make sense out of it. Otherwise, none of what I read will make sense. Positive reference experiences are the way to understanding. To get there, I just "I'm the shit" and go hard, so I can get these expereinces for myself.

Another important realization for me is that everything I do must be rooted in my own reality. Everything I do must be something that adds to my reality. I am the master of my reality. Everyone else is a mere guest. All value I give must come from someone with a strong reality. This is something I've done before but only recently understood. What I thought was crazy and obnoxious is just what successful people do. All successful and charismatic people live in their own world and project it outwards. They don't look for other realities to latch onto. I am now internally validated and I live in my world. No one will give me what I want so I have to take it. I became a lot more confident in my reality when I lived with friends instead of staying at home or at school, which anchours many negative emotions. It was only through being in a social environment in which I was comfortable with myself that I realized that people were attracted to me. It was never the environment, but rather my behaviors that caused the attraction. 

Once I went back to school, I had these new behaviors internalized and had people attracted to me. But my frame wasn't strong enough so I'd still need state boosts or friends with me to be able to fully assert myself. Because that's all it is. When I assert my frame in a fun way, I get attraction. It's the way I would act if I was in my house, with all my friends around me. That's the way I should be all the time.

All I need is consistency. To internalize consistency.

Overcome fears + Consistency = SUCCESS

It's not going to feel good at first, but it'll be so worth it. It's a mentality that I need to CULTIVATE in myself. It's how I will get the women I want, how I will get great grades in school, how I will create a successful business, how I will have the right people in my life, how I will become a great speaker.

That means I have to go out and socialize every single day, with the goal of desesensitizing myself to social pressure and meeting cool people. It means I have to study for hours a day and get help from professors and tutors. It means I will have to make contacts everywhere so I can find job connections, buff up my resume and hand it in at every store, far and near. It means I will have to join toastmasters and become used to being the center of attention in the room, regardless if I'm already good at it or not.

There's so much I want to do right now and I just hope I'm alive to see myself achieve it all.

I need to control the input that goes into my head, as well as body, so I can maximize OUTPUT. There's NO TIME TO WASTE. LIFE IS FOR THE TAKING.

-- Aurelius
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