Well here I am updating my very sporadic blog on RSD nation. I'm not sure what has bought me back here to write on this blog, which I've only ever done once before. I think it's because I've been feeling very down the last few weeks and I think it may be therapeutic. This is a pattern for me actually - when I'm feeling down I'll come to RSD nation for a pick me up, to try and get myself feeling better. Perhaps I am a stimulation junkie in that sense. I think I may need to be more consistent in coming here if I am serious that I want to get better at improving myself.
Anyway, to the last few weeks. I think the triggering point has been that I have been copping a lot of shit from so called mates. It's about how I look. It's weird, I consider myself a decent looking guy. I am tall and muscular. But I'm also kind of lanky and a bit goofy. I play competitive sport at amateur level and I get paid out a bit by my team mates. Usually I can handle this but they have stepped it up quite a lot lately. It's like they see I'm about to crack or something, they can be relentless. I don't know why, I usually get along well with them. I think it may be because they sense I am weak and am an easy target. Most of the guys that give me shit have their own problems. I am definately a better bloke than them. But they keep on giving me shit and they are loving it, laughing in my face. I feel like I could snap and hit them but I don't want to be seen as a someone who can't take 'a joke' and a 'bit of a laugh'. It's fucking bullshit. I'm thinking about leaving the team because of this which is pretty sad because I've played this sport and been at this club for a long time.
When I was in high school I use to get a lot of shit about how I looked. I got a few nicknames that stuck. I went through a very depressive state in bits of high school, and this new round of teasing has bought back those old feelings. It's funny how something like this can bring back all of these bad memories from all these years ago. I think that is why I'm feeling down at the moment. I feel helpless. It's like I have to just accept the fact that they're going to give me shit. Fuck that. I am better than them. I shouldn't be the butt of jokes. They shouldn't be laughing at me. I don't know what to do to turn this situation around. Get a girlfriend perhaps? Why is it that people treat you with more respect just because you can get your dick wet? Just because you're in some boring as fuck relationship with some average girl that any bloke down the pub could get just by saying g'day. Fuck.
Anyway, I feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest and thought this was the best way to do it. Not sure if it will help actually but I'll give it a go. I haven't felt this low in ages. I think I am just going to tough it out. I can't quit my sport because of a couple of fuck wits. But then I'm also thinking why should I keep doing something I'm not enjoying. And if I quit now it will look a bit obvious that I'm quitting because I've had enough and I can't handle taking shit. What can I do? Fight the whole team? Fucking hell. Sometimes I wish I could wake up and everyone could just respect me. But I know it takes hard work. I can stay committed, it's just these distractions keep popping up and blokes keep wanting to get me down and keep me down. Why are people so twisted? I've always believed in treating people the way you'd like to be treated yourself. Hasn't anyone heard of this saying before? Can't people just be nicer to one another, it's easy to do jesus. Doesn't cost anything or take much time, but can really brighten up a person's mood. Perhaps I can start doing this myself more. Give my bit and hopefully start seeing some returns in the future. I know I shouldn't expect karma. I'm not wanting anything from someone. I would just like the world to be a better place.
I should stop now. Been ranting for a bit too long. I need to get back to basics. Meditation, being proactive about socialising, eat well, keep training hard, doing weights. Yep that's how I'll work my way out of this funk. Wish me luck.
Went out last night with a mate who's recently single with the purpose of picking up. First itme I'd gone out with this goal in mind for a while, usually I just go out with my mate/social circle and just get caught up in all that. So it was different going out, just two of us to places where we didn't know anyone.
Anyway, ended up a pretty tough night. At the first venue I tried to get straight into it. Talked to the door chick, just friendly playful banter. Then when I got in, talking to girls at the bar. Not sure if this was the problem, but I was kind of just trying to warm up, but then I conciously thought 'shit I should go in direct'. I think this fucked me up a bit as I wasn't congruent with it. Some chick walked past I was like 'Hey I like your dress, blah blah..'. She was pretty receptive and I clawed her, but then it was weird, I found myself ejecting? What the fuck, not sure why. I was like 'err yeah I have to go now, my mate wants to have a smoke, I'll cya around'. Then I just bailed. Even as I walked away I was just like why the fuck did I do that. Anyway I see her walking around a bit later and give her a hug.. totally unreceptive. Hmm. She had a friend with her that kept pulling her away, cockblocking to the max. Then on the dancefloor same thing happened, totally unreceptive. But she was hanging around near me. Chicks can be a bit weird sometimes...
Bounded to another place.. pretty average again, by then I'd lost state and my mate was drinking hard, getting pretty drunk. Don't think I approached at all here. Then the third place, fuck felt like the biggest chode. Just orbiting around on the dancefloor like a faggot.. anytime I went to say something to a chick she got pulled away by a friend. Really started feeling like a chode then. In my head I remember panicking to find something to salvage my state, shit didn't work.
Overall, an average night in terms of picking up. Good to get out and have a bad night, which I haven't had for a while. Mostly because I've been playing it safe and not approaching. I think I have to connect more to that masculine intent/entitlement/direct action, which I think has been missing lately. Been drinking too much lately, its summer and party season after all. Need to get back into the gym, start meditating again. Fucking hell, a bit pissed off about the night. Weird how a few little things can piss me off like that, but on other nights I get shut down and I don't give a fuck. Oh well, just part of th journey I suppose, I'm trying not to feel a bit down-hearted about it. In times like these its good to remember the basics, from alex: attraction = high value + a full range of emotions, be congruent, you are enough