I think I've been reading too much recently and not actually going out enough. I'm finding that I feel people (especially my female friends) have to agree with me on what I learn about female psychology from various game-theory related sources and it is beginning to bother me when they don't.
The point of contention I had with my female friends atm is to do with being forceful/perserverant. I read a book (Simply Start Sex) which advocates being perserverant even if you are getting no positive feedback. This may well be sound advice but women are rubbed the wrong way with the idea. After some thought I've come to the conclusion there are several types of resistance women give that we have to deal with.
1. Playful resistance: A woman saying 'I don't like you' or 'You can't hug me' in a playful way. The obvious way around this is to push through. No problem here. Women would agree as well; they are only playing.
2. 'Not yet' resistance: This is the kind of resistance you get when a women isn't sure if she wants you kissing her, or touching her just yet. Most women probably genuinely at the time don't enjoy being touched. You have to once again push through this and one day she will (silently) thank you for it. This is one area where many women can't admit that a very deep part of them is waiting for you to man up and push through this resistance. Women with more experience however may well recognise this for what it is. Of course many women aren't going to agree with me on this because they confuse it with resistance type 3 and 4.
3: I hate you resistance, but if you push my I will fuck you: The girl thinks you are creepy, she isn't attracted to you, but you are the only guy man enough to push through and so get with the girl. Women hate this, but once you bed them they have no issue with it anymore. Most women as I mentioned probably think of this kind of resistance in terms of the negative feelings they might have at the start.
4. I hate you and always will, fuck off an die resistance: yeah, this is when you basically don't stand a chance. Again women probably imagine this situation when thinking of persistent guys (all the while ignoring the boyfriend that got them through being persistent in forms 1,2 and 3).
To be honest it's my fault for being needy enough to need my friends to validate these ways of thinking. I don't need people to validate these, I can validate them myself by just going out and trying in the field (something I've stopped doing for weeks). Moreover I should never be looking to women to validate these ideas because they can't be expected to undestand how attraction works in them just because they are female anymore than I understand how attraction works in me by virtue of having a penis (granted I do know a fair bit about it, but that I learnt from Game).
At times I feel like I am trying to shout out and exclaim to the world 'what's wrong with me wanting sex?!'...and I become defensive and feel like I am trying to fend off an assault from phantoms of my own imagination. In reality no one is assaulting me or accusing me of being a bad guy... So where are these feelings coming from? I don't have them most of the time, but from time to time I get that way. Maybe part of me still feels some feelings of guilt surrounding sex, or part of me feels like I am tricking women...and I don't really know what to do about it; maybe in addition to going out I need to spend more time living a life-style that is exciting so I don't feel like I am 'cheating' women to getting with a guy that has little going on in his life...I dunno...
Anyway, the real point of this post is to get me to stop thinking about it; I'm taking the idea nagging at me inside of my head and placing it outside of myself onto the internet. Maybe now I can feel a little more at peace. I need to start planning going out more. Sweet.
I've had some funny shit tests in my time. Sadly I often don't realise that I am being tested whilst the tests are happening, but building experience with them means I am recognising (and acting accordingly) when they happen. Last week I had a whopper of one:
I was at a social meet and getting along well enough with everybody. I talked to one girl about a subject close to my heart and a guy listened in and at the end told me that I had my facts all backwards (he said this very convincingly). This is normally an embarrasing situation, however what happened that night was I just let it go. This must have made the girl somewhat interested because after talking for a while she asked me my name (which is a nice change of pace). To protect the innocent we will call this girl, Becca. So I said 'Oh, Becca, as in short of Rebecca?' to which she replied: 'Yeah, it's a BITCH's name?!'. I realised all of a sudden what was happening; the sudden threat to derail the conversation, the out of place anger in her voice; this was a shit test. I've messed these up before by backing off, but this time I saw it all happening in real-time and laughed it off. I looked at her and sized her up from head to toe, taking her in and then told her 'You know I'm glad you said it. It is a name, isn't it'. She gave me that playful shock that women normally give and then I re-assured her 'Don't worry, your my favourite bitch'.
I had a weird one with another girl as well. She was not being particularly social so I walked up and taught her how to thumb-wrestle. Later I told her to keep an eye on my bag, and we kept going back and forth over how long she should keep an eye on it. In retrospect I should have told her to come closer to me (so I could hear her better) and then told her that she better take care of it for at least five minutes cos if I came back and found her not there I'd take that plank of wood over there and spank her with it. Ah, but benefits of hindsight!
The last thing I did that night that I was pleased with was that I walked up to one girl on my way out and for asked her 'hey, do you have portugese blood in you?' (she looked like a portugese friend of mine). She didn't but she completely forget about the conversation she was having with the other guy (I felt a bit bad about that) and started asking me my name, if I would come again next week and so on...when all I actually wanted to do was leave and catch the bus. Still, I affirmed once again that I do have it in me. The reality that at least half the women in my vicinity will find me attractive is becoming that much stronger.
This is something I've noticed recently. At social meets like society/club meetings and such I can walk in and get attraction going (both with women and as an interesting guy with the men). In fact women's friends are frequently leaving the target alone with me after a few minutes. These small situations escalate easily because the fun you are having with one girl in the corner of the room (pushing her around and making fun of her) are visibly obvious to others in the room (particularly women, what with their strong perephiral vision).
What has shocked me though is how guys respond to me putting my arm around a girl or giving a stranger a hug, saying things like 'aw man, that has gotta be illegal! someone call the police'. They are joking of course. But what is funny is that I am doing some of the things that these guys consider 'magic' with women, simply because they have never done those things. It really made me realise that I have in fact made progress. What I am doing must look to them like magic...just as what some of my pick-up friends do looked like magic too me; I could see what those guys were doing but at the time I just couldn't fathom why or how they were getting away with it.
But alas, this confidence appears limited to interacting in social circles where talking to strangers is the norm. Cold approach is still something I find hard. In fact doing any more than 4 approaches a day really mentally tires me (especially if those approaches go badly). I guess I need to get thicker skin. What do you guys feel I should do to overcome this hurdle? I suppose the problem I am facing is finding a reason to approach a woman...it just seems strange and awkward to do it and I don't think I am doing it enough to take that fact away. If it was a social situation where talking to anyone is fair game though I don't feel intimidated by any woman.
Tiny touching is creepy. Honestly. I was telling girls a story about some creepy guys (I told them about how a gay man tried to groom me, which normally gets some good laughs) and demonstrated how creepy the guy was by touching the girls on the arm. Even in the context of them telling this story the touching was creepy. On the other hand I full out pushed a girl back into her chair (she was drawing herseful up to her full height and pretending like she was starting a fight with me...so I pushed her over...lol)...this went down well. Other girls I casually walked up to and put an arm around them...or punched them repeatedly in the arm...again, no biggie.
It seems that 'tiny' touching is creepy as fuck. Point noted. Whereas bigger gestures are taken in better. It might have something to do with the intent or confidence of what you are doing being better. I guess tiny touches are creepy because the girl will more likely than not interpret as you 'trying to get some sly touching' going...something which she completely sees through.
Second lesson learnt tonight is that using canned material can be really bad unless you know when to bring it out. I had a conversation going a bit, but there was no energy so I pulled out the story about the gay-man and the girls excused themeselves half-way through to get something to eat. In fact the whole conversation was built on stock bits that weren't really working...by the mid-point of the conversation I had built the conversation up to something akin to a house of cards build on little conversation breaker skits.
Another girl I found I couldn't get a conversation going, so I joked about things like how a conversation requires two to tango. In restrospect this isn't that funny, in fact it is slightly condescending. It would be much better to take responsiblity and try the conversation from another angle. Talking about something I just did that day (for instance, checking out the local gyms) as mundane as it might sound...may work well enough.
It's not all bad news though, today I did the best number close I ever have. I was filling out a questionnaire and I needed something to lean on. I went up to the corner of a table to lean on it and there were two girls there. I just went in and wrote on my sheet. When I was done I looked at one girl next to me and said '...while I'm at it', and then slide my phone open and threw it onto the table next to her. I then walked off to hand in the questionnaire. When I did this the girl was a visibly puzzled about what to do...so she did the only thing that would come to mind...put her number and name into my phone. lol. It is amazing to think that the easiest way to close could be just handing your phone over and then walking off. And yet somehow I knew it would work.
It is hard to say what exactly happened, After 3 or so weeks of getting attraction I found I just stopped going out. Not having money to go out was one of the main reasons. I've been looking for work. The interesting thing about looking for work is you sit at home all day sending off your details to prospective employers and slowly begin to feel increasingly useless as no one replies. At some point you go out and try to approach again and find you are at square 1 again. So I went back to basics and started with the Blueprint again (it's eye-opening in a different way the second time).
Today I had a rather uplifting seminar on the work side of things as well. Factor in the brand spanking new suit and shoes and I felt amazing. Of course we aren't supposed to rely on crutches like a new pair of clothes, the reason I mention the clothes isn't because they helped me with pick-up...it's because they helped me with inner-game. Allow me to explain.
Today after feeling good I made two approaches. Neither closed. But that's fine, I feel euphoric from having gotten myself to just go do them. So what happened?
I approached two girls coming towards me. One was busily chatting on her phone, and the other one was my mark. I walked up to her, said 'hey' and tried to grab her left arm (using my right), this led to weird cross-arm situation for me which reeked of bad posture. The girl shrugged me off with an 'eww'. My posture here could be better, but moreover I ignored the girl on the phone and treated the mark in isolation of her friend...bad idea. At this point I was just happy I'd approached so I felt good.
Now the second girl was interesting. I saw her enter a store nearby and followed her in. She didn't seem like the kind of attractive girl that has many guys ask her out (but still falls into one of my 'types'). I said hey, she looked...I just stared at her eyes...trying to see if I could embarrass her...told her she was cute (with certain girls the combination of staring and saying this really embarrasses them, it's so cute!). She smiled but the conversation didn't have the tension it needed to. I asked for her number and she gave me the usual about not having a phone, not remembering her number and not owning a phone (Really? All three? lol). The thing is that after that I just continued and started getting an interesting conversation. Then her friends ran into her at the store (by coincidence). At this point I withdrew and walked off.
What could have gone better here was I could have vibed more before asking for the number. Secondly I could have simply asked for her number again later on when the interaction was going better (or some other form of contact info). Lastly it would have looked very confident if I had continued once her friends arrived (talking to them in a friendly way would have been good).
What did I learn?:
It was this last approach that really opened my eyes though. I was dressed like a million-bucks and looked good, she was...whatmost guys would call 'erring on the side of ugly' and dressed rather down (even 'down' by most daytime standards). I don't think this was a girl that gets much male attention.
Now contrast this with my first night going out. I got great vibes from a girl (who was still desperately trying to qualify herself to me after I rudely told her 'You're boring. Go away'...in fact after I told her that she tried more desperately to be liked). That night I was dressed in jeans and a cardigan...with a massive beer stain down my arm (someone spilled their drink on me that night). There I was smelling like piss (let's face it, beer and piss don't smell radically different, and neither one is a flattering scent) and looking like crap...and this girl couldn't get enough of me. On the other hand today I had a pretty ugly girl who rejected my advances.
Suddently what I've been learning in theory made so much sense. Girls don't care about the way I look all that much. Or at least they don't until they already sort of like me. Moreover how good looking the girl is, is irrelevant for the most part. Girls who don't get male attention (probably the same girls that always complain about not having a boyfriend) won't go with a guy they don't feel a pull or attraction for unless they are EXTREMELY desperate (and those girls probably actually FEEL more attracted to most men, or impose qualities on most men that they don't really possess which leads to attraction) . I walked away today happy that it was my approach that had been rejected. Not my looks (which were super sharp!) and not me.
It may only be two approaches, but after not doing this for so long I feel invigorated and I feel I've grown slightly thicker skin.
On another note I am going to start playing football (soccer) tomorrow with the social team at my local gym. I'm not really the athletic type but I feel amped to participate in a sport. Sure the games are only an hour and not the full 90 minutes, but tbh you have to start somewhere, so why not here?
The lesson I've taken away from all of this is that a leak of confidence in one area of your life (such as being unable to find work) can affect your confidence in other areas such as approach. Or at least it affects me. I need to work on that.
I won't try and reel people in with a interesting title followed by a long rant so I will explain what this blog is about now: Change in the form of self-improvement (being more positive and confident for example).
I went out last night with a local group of PUA's who have a few years experience. The interesting thing was that some of the guys tagging along had less field experience than me and had considerably less inner-game/theory behind what they were doing. In any case, they were very much the image of myself around 4 months ago.
The leader PUA who was teaching us that night made several observations about me.
1. He told the others to follow my speech as an example of good vocal projection.
This is something I've been working on, so to hear other people recommened me as a model for others who need help in this area was a pleasant surprise.
2. He told me that I had a not-give-a-fuck-attitude in a good way.
What this entails is not being worried about others without due cause. And being confident. The reason he made this observation was because I would do several things when I was out at night. For instance making kissy faces to the bouncers at various venues (they laughed) or walking directly through a group of guys in the middle of the street instead of going around them like most people would. There is no 'due cause' to be worried about doing these things; only someone with deep emotional issues would take issue with someone talking through where they were standing (unless you do it in a way that is really rude/aggressive).
Recently I've been doing 'expansion' exercises like this, which is where i try my best to 'take up space'. Walking in straight lines 'through' obstacles is one of the things I do on purpose as a way to build confidence. I also do other things like taking the back centre seat on the bus and keeping the whole back row to myself. This doesn't really inconvenience anybody as there are plenty of seats, but it does allow me to impose myself rather than hiding on a corner of the bus.
When I first heard the PUA teacher tell me he thought I was confident I was surprised, and my natural response was that all I was not confident but rather simply attempting confidence boosting execises. Upon reflection the doing of these execises (and the very fact I would do them), is that not confidence itself in some form?
3. He made the observation that I am someone who 'loves himself'.
This description means someone who is self-amused. I've been told (and genuinely believed) for the longest time that I'm 'boring' or 'routine' so to be told this was also a pleasant surprise. Again, over the last 4 months this is one area that I've been working on.
The night I went out was slow going as very loud venues were off limits as they were not deemed good for beginners. Nonetheless, I became very acquianted with the night life in the town (I've been out of town because of university for years, the last time I was around I wasn't old enough to drink so hardly knew much about the night life). I also learnt an interesting way of getting through crowds: simply place your hands on people's hips (like you are going to dance with them) and lightly shift them to the side. It's amazing to me that I can do this, and even more amazing is that people seem to just....be fine with it. One of my execises that night was to take the path of most resistance when moving around a bar (the most crowded path) so I get the chance to impose myself and move people around me.
Anyway, those are my two pennies.
I've got back from a somewhat intense 4 days with some PUA friends of mine. Although there were many techniques and mind-sets that I learnt I would say that above all the lessons boil down to 're-interpretation'.
What I mean by that is firstly re-interpreting the boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Before I would never do something like cold day-approach. It just didn't seem acceptable. Women didn't seem to enjoy it. I was just being a nuisance. Ah! But through re-interpretation I can see that this behaviour is acceptable, and those women that appear to flinch slightly and reflexively utter 'oh my god' when you approach them? I can't unsee that little smile on the edges of their lips as they walk away. It is wholly possible that one of the reasons guys have trouble with women is that often they appear to flinch or dislike behaviours that attract them on a deep level.
Other examples of new boundaries that I've set include when I meet a woman. Before I would just shake their hand, now I only have to lightly tug on their arm (and I do mean 'lightly') and then bend forward and let me kiss them on the cheeks. Not being European, I've never really tried this before. After doing it for 3 straight days though...well, it would appear that the world has no problem with this behaviour at all.
Other behaviours include ramping up physically in a club. You can often grab a girl who is having fun and get her to dance with you. Sometimes they try and wriggle and squirm out of your arms, but often times persistance tends to net them into your dance. They stop struggling and start enjoying it. And those times were what you do fails? Well, those girls go back to dancing (right next to you no less) and seem to forget about it in five-minutes; at which point you can try to physically escalate on the dance floor in another way. And if that fails...well, give it five more minutes. The amount you can get away with at any given time is really quite mind-blowing.
This re-interpretation of acceptable boundaries and acceptable behaviours has also helped my negotiation skills a bit. I was able to barter down the price of a hat and get 20% off. The old me would never have tried to barter at all. I also managed to get a girl to come out to a social meet (she didn't want to come, so I bargained her down to coming down for just an hour...in the end she stayed for the whole event and the after social too). Great stuff.
Now, these new behaviours won't stick unless I keep pushing against these boundaries. So that is where my attention will go now. I would not expect so much change from hanging out with PUA's who only have a year or two of experience over me for as little as 4 days; in that respect the experience was well above my expectations. The onus now falls on me to keep up and expand upon what I have learnt.
I'm currently staying over at a friend of mine's place for a few days. This is someone that is much more well versed in pick-up and has a significant amount of experience over me. In fact it would be accurate to say that this guy introduced me to pick-up.
I've known him for over two years. When I first met him he was hitting on every girl left, right and centre. So at least his play-ethic was there. For one reason or another though, he came off as creepy. When I saw him on the dancefloor last night I saw a changed man; replete with a girl on his arm.
Speaking of the dancefloor. I was ON it. I've always avoided the dancefloor. It isn't because I can't dance, because quite frankly few people actually can. More that I was terribly self-concious of myself before. Last night I was clammed up at the beginning. Hands in pockets. Mind in a terrible state. Then my friend stood behind me and did the strangest thing; he started moving me to the music as if I were a string puppet. Around a half hour later of stopping and starting I eventually got into it and was actually dissapointed that we had to leave! Now, I have to admit to myself that I was drunk. However that was the case even at the very beginning so maybe the alcohol wasn't part of the equation? In any case, like some crazed-scientist I will have to replicate this experiment; this time without alcohol. The best part of this is that I can be in this kind of environment now. That means my social being as well as my 'field' has expanded several fold.
My PU buddies gave me valuable prods that evening too. For instance I grabbed a girl and brought her over to our group (she wanted to dance but seemed to be there alone). After I did so they told me to dance in the centre of the cirlce our group had made. At first I didn't know why. Then I looked at her and realised something; she was signalling for me to come over and dance with HER now. wow.
We also did some interesting things earlier the morning prior to that. My friend and I were at the airport with time to kill. So we got some card and wrote "You're cute" and on the reverse we wrote "Can I get your number?". We showed this sign to countless numbers of people. We got laughs from many of the girls we showed it too. One girl was even in a conversation with two guys, so she couldn't talk to us, but she DID smile back with her eyes. It was nice knowing that just by flicking that sign we'd made someone's day. Heck we even showed it to other guys and got some really comical reactions. The best was showing the sign to other people with signs and watching as they looked back with a mixture of confusion of playful curiosity.
All in all, for half a day I feel this 'amateur bootcamp' of sorts has opened me up to all sorts of new possibilities, I can't wait to see what the next few days hold for me. Updates will come as developments happen.
Recently I've been reading a lot about the power of postive thought. A topic I am sure that the users of this website are well acquainted with. A few days ago I decided to wonder out to the town during the day and see what I could find to do. Art Galleries, fine food, a pot of some really great tea at a bar which I've never been to before and to top it off I went to the cinema to see Kung-Fu Panda 2 (first time seeing a film in 3D. I adore the vibe Jack Black is able to inject into his characters). I thoroughly enjoyed the entire day.
The thing is that I found that being in a positive mindset begets (?) more postivity. That song at the bottom of your MP3 player that you never quite liked suddenly seems to develop a rhythm that you never were able to appreciate before. Those girls who shout out things like "Yeah! You look at us little man!" because you are checking them out suddenly go from sounding discouraging to actually sounding like they are cheering me on.
The most impressive part of that day was at one point where I remember feeling noticebly drunk for no real reason. I assume this is what is meant by a 'natural high'. Now, I've experienced state in the field before, but this was the first time that I experienced it in a interally driven way. Normally it happens because of the momentum you build when you are around women. This time however it was happening independant of external stimuli. Yeah, I did see, do and eat things that made me happier, but those weren't really what were driving my state at the time, rather my state was being driven by my own willingness to enjoy every second of what I was experiencing. Even a willingness to enjoy the mundane.
Imagine if you will, that you could feel that way for one day a week or even 50% of the time. How incredible would that be? Now consider that some people feel that kind of way on a consistent basis...mind blowing stuff.
I've taken some self-help advice to try and keep this postive way of thinking going; I have started a diary, where I list 3 things that day which I really enjoy, like or feel appreciative of. They can range from things like the sense of 'volume' that you can enjoy from a city-soundscape, to the way a sunset bathes a town in gold, or even the smell of nectarines. I'm just writing things that I geniunely feel happy about, even if there is no rhyme or reason to why I would be happy about them.
My RAS has been having me seek out confident people. This means that I enjoy the company of people who are generally well grounded in their own sense of reality. What I am finding though is that many other people in my social circle hate other 'confident' people. On the one hand I am happy my male friends now see me as cool enough to hang around, play poker and drink with them (before they would be happy to see me during class and talk about class related stuff, but outside of the context of my course we felt like strangers)
This is something that took my by surprise as the 'hated' confident people don't really seem to have the negative characteristics that others say they do. "That guy is so annoying" is the most common complaint. And when you analyse it you realise this complaint has no content. It's not really complaining about something specific that could be addressed.
I suppose I get told this because I am generally considered trustworthy (the truth is I don't gossip because I actually don't find it interesting. Increasingly however I am trying to do away with finding fault in others as that kind of thinking is no good to me). Nevertheless, I am sligtly disturbed that strong, well liked individuals that I considered highly confident are exhibiting what are essentially 'fear behaviours'. That is to say that the real reason they can't accept other people is because it messes with their reality, or maybe because they feel diminished or angry that they aren't the one being 'annoying' ('annoying' here can mean anything from 'making girls laugh so much, when I can't' and other feelings of inadequacy). At the same time I feel amazed at how many of those I thought of confident really weren't, and still have some ego issues. This problem of core confidence and egoism is in fact...an extremely common one.
Recently I've been reading about the ego a lot. And also re-reading all my notes from PUA/Self-help stuff (almost amassed a small novels' worth of notes now) and finding the stuff on ego really stands out. The events I talked about in my last blog were set in motion because I recognised that my ego needed some major taming, and now I begin to see how that egoism can bring out the ugly side in many people, often in small ways....and yet I can't begrudge them for it because I understand the emotional turmoil that is really happening to them.
There's a girl who I really dreaded talking to (a classmate), because she would always drag conversation down in a negative direction, and we'd end up fighting about stuff and I would be forced to take sides in an argument I didn't even care about. She's a strong feminist you see, and like many feminists (though that is not to say all) she is seething at the fact that the world isn't in such and such a way. She exerts a lot of energy complaining about things (yet doing very little about them) and complaining about how the world and relationships ought to be.
One of the pillars of self-help is the recognition that you can't (or not without great difficulty) be happy if happiness is contingent on other people as changing other people is not a viable option (especially in an interconnected/web-based world: in the past we would have to merely change our tribesman to obtain 'happiness', but now our connected contact groups are so large that we cannot change everyone within them). This girl hasn't realised this yet. She is still trying to make the world in her image, is frustrated when it doesn't go that way, and then continues to perceive the world in a begruding way for it: thus creating an ever deeper cycle of negativity. This girl is however the one who is suffering. She is at a stage of her development where she doesn't recognise that the problem is largely with her own thoughts rather than the world. Eventually, like me, she will reach such a point of frustration that she too might set off on a path of self-improvement. I can't begrudge her for being the way she is because I recognise all to well the turmolic processes that are going on inside her. And when I say 'I can't begrudge her', I don't mean this in the prescriptive sense, I mean that I geniunely can't hold it against her.