Articuno76's Blog

So I walk up to a group of people in a bar on a Friday night.  I have no real aim in particular, just make conversation and see what happens.  I find that the guy I engage in the group has trouble hearing me (typical.   This seems to be the usual self-protective behaviour guys put on).

The guy doesn't seem to have a very good handle on English or has trouble hearing me, or both.  So I so "OK, ok, let's start many fingers am I holding up'.  The conversation develops for a minute and then I find out he is from Mongolia and then shake his hand.
He than says 'Hey, if you wanna talk we should go over there, it's quieter over there'.  I follow him and the two of us sit isolated on a window facing strip along the edge of the bar.
We talk for 2 more minutes and then he announces 'my girlfriend is calling me over'.  He walks off.

And then it hit me.  I'd just been tooled.  He isolated me for the sole person of purging me from the group.  Now far from feeling bad about it I found that I couldn't help but crack a wry smile.  He had tooled me, and it had all been so clever.

OK.  Let's rewind and look at this again.
The first problem was at the beginning when I was talking him in a patronising way by asking him how many fingers I was holding up.  Although I intended for this to be playful I have to admit that from his perspective I was just a jerk who seemed to be tooling him.  The lesson learnt here is that ball-busting only works when rapport has already been established.  Of course I already knew this...logically.  But being able to experience and feel it first-hand makes the lesson learnt that much deeper.  This will be in the fore-front of my conversation from now on.

The second problem was I allowed the tooling to happen by following him.  I should have stayed put.  Of course if I had never made him feel like wanting to isolate and leave me ostracised from the group in the first place then this would never have been a problem.

All in all, I am happy with tonight.  I really didn't want to go (it was already 2AM, I was tired and quite frankly just wanted to sleep), but I feel happy that I dragged myself to go out there.  I learned some lessons and I've come up with some potential solutions.
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Join Date: 05/08/2011 | Posts: 41

Ah.  One other lesson learnt (and the key one at that!).  I went up without any real goal, no real person I wanted to talk to or nothing of the sort in mind.  The reason I was so easily moved away from the group may well simply be that I never had a goal in mind to stick to (say my goal was, I definetely want to talk to this girl here, in this place) so it was easy for me to accept the initiative of someone else in lieu of having any of my own.  The lesson learnt here is that if you are making an approach, have an idea of what you want to get out of it.
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