Articuno76's Blog

 
My RAS has been having me seek out confident people.  This means that I enjoy  the company of people who are generally well grounded in their own sense of reality.  What I am finding though is that many other people in my social circle hate other 'confident' people.  On the one hand I am happy my male friends now see me as cool enough to hang around, play poker and drink with them (before they would be happy to see me during class and talk about class related stuff, but outside of the context of my course we felt like strangers)

This is something that took my by surprise as the 'hated' confident people don't really seem to have the negative characteristics that others say they do.  "That guy is so annoying" is the most common complaint.  And when you analyse it you realise this complaint has no content.  It's not really complaining about something specific that could be addressed.

I suppose I get told this because I am generally considered trustworthy (the truth is I don't gossip because I actually don't find it interesting.  Increasingly however I am trying to do away with finding fault in others as that kind of thinking is no good to me).  Nevertheless, I am sligtly disturbed that strong, well liked individuals that I considered highly confident are exhibiting what are essentially 'fear behaviours'.  That is to say that the real reason they can't accept other people is because it messes with their reality, or maybe because they feel diminished or angry that they aren't the one being 'annoying' ('annoying' here can mean anything from 'making girls laugh so much, when I can't' and other feelings of inadequacy).  At the same time I feel amazed at how many of those I thought of confident really weren't, and still have some ego issues.  This problem of core confidence and egoism is in fact...an extremely common one.

Recently I've been reading about the ego a lot.  And also re-reading all my notes from PUA/Self-help stuff (almost amassed a small novels' worth of notes now) and finding the stuff on ego really stands out.  The events I talked about in my last blog were set in motion because I recognised that my ego needed some major taming, and now I begin to see how that egoism can bring out the ugly side in many people, often in small ways....and yet I can't begrudge them for it because I understand the emotional turmoil that is really happening to them. 

There's a girl who I really dreaded talking  to (a classmate), because she would always drag conversation down in a negative direction, and we'd end up fighting about stuff and I would be forced to take sides in an argument I didn't even care about.  She's a strong feminist you see, and like many feminists (though that is not to say all) she is seething at the fact that the world isn't in such and such a way.  She exerts a lot of energy complaining about things (yet doing very little about them) and complaining about how the world and relationships ought to be. 

One of the pillars of self-help is the recognition that you can't (or not without great difficulty) be happy if happiness is contingent on other people as changing other people is not a viable option (especially in an interconnected/web-based world: in the past we would have to merely change our tribesman to obtain 'happiness', but now our connected contact groups are so large that we cannot change everyone within them).  This girl hasn't realised  this yet.  She is still trying to make the world in her image, is frustrated when it doesn't go that way, and then continues to perceive the world in a begruding way for it: thus creating an ever deeper cycle of negativity.   This girl is however the one who is suffering.  She is at a stage of her development where she doesn't recognise that the problem is largely with her own thoughts rather than the world.  Eventually, like me, she will reach such a point of frustration that she too might set off on a path of self-improvement.  I can't begrudge her for being the way she is because I recognise all to well the turmolic processes that are going on inside her.  And when I say 'I can't begrudge her', I don't mean this in the prescriptive sense, I mean that I geniunely can't hold it against her.
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