Amorisey's Blog

 
Saturday, August 29, 2009... 5:59 AM

Well after one of the all around worst days of my life, let alone Fridays, I've decided to pack it in and give up on my old Self. This is my goodbye letter to my old self.

If I am going to keep living, which it seems I don't have much a choice in the matter 'cause I'm not going off and killing myself- that's rubbish, I'll just have to give up this guy, whoever he is, within me. Even if it means the new me is "boring" by some definitions- not drinking or smoking... meditating... eating properly. Not going out unless it's really with a purpose to build a PUA skillset or have a genuinely FUN, VALUEABLE experience with my real FRIENDS.

22 years of noise and confusion in my brain have left me with little but a botched academic record, fairweather friends, a few unsatisfying romantic relationships, and shitty lungs and liver from smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish. The entire back side of my gums, where my molars are, on my left side, are gone. Probably forever. I'll probably have to get a gold tooth molar or some shit when I go to the dentist. Which is next week. Great. This is from smoking, drinking too much coffee, and not caring what the fuck my dentist said to me. Over-indulgence. Self-destructive behavior. Believing that there is true liberation in letting yourself go to the point that you fall of the "edge"... into the abyss of nothingness. This is where I've been all this time. There were parts that were fun at the time, but there is definitely not a lasting sense of feeling or meaning.

So, I am done with this old person. I am sick of drinking to force myself into "not thinking too much" mode, or to force myself into "fun" mode. It's like I drink so that when I get in the bar, I can feel that "supercharge" of "Okay, talk to people, feel confident, be energetic, and don't give a fuck", which, admittedly alcohol (MOST of the time) provides. But it comes at a hefty price...

1) LOADS... just LOADS of money... which I don't have, or at least could be spending on something I LOVE like MUSIC, good food, or dates with women...
2) Many nights in which it has the reverse effect and makes me SEVERELY depressed
3) Many nights in which I end up fighting someone, anyone, including and especially my friends
4) Detriment to what little health I have left
and last, but not least...
5) A never ending hole that can never be filled... a voice that can never be silenced, "I need to drink more to feel better, ACT better, and BE better"...

Similarly, smoking fulfills the same quotas, and is even worse 'cause it rots my teeth, which sucks 'cause you already know how weird old people look without a full set of teeth... fucking nasty.

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Point being... I'm done with YOU. Old self... insecure fuck... man without a mission... I know what my purpose is. I know what I WANT to do...

1) Music - I want to be a great rapper, singer, songwriter, and guitarist. Simple as that. I want to make songs that I love to sing and can move people's hearts and minds the way that the artists I look up to did for me.

2) Women - I want to have an abundance of women in my life, friends, lovers, and otherwise. I want to feel like this is no longer a "battle" or "struggle" for success in an area, just a part of who I am, a part of my life... "I have women in my life"

3) Money - I want to have FUCKING MONEY. I'm so sick of being fucking broke. Seriously. It's so bad now, when I go to McDonald's, I usually can't afford a full extra value meal, or a large coke or any of that shit, 'cause it could jeopardize me getting home that night. Of course, this is partially because when I do have an extra 7-8 bucks... it goes to a pack of smokes or a drink at the bar. Figures.

4) Friends - I want to have friends who actually fucking call ME to hang out, act as if I'm high value... not like me having to chase these bastards around and call them, and then feel weird/clingy just 'cause I call them alot to see if they're trying to go out/sarge... it's like "Fuck you, man (this goes for girls as well), just respond the first time and tell me you're busy and then I won't call..." And guarantee if I take their number out of my phone, they're gonna act all weird when I say "Who is this?" or some shit... fuckers. I'm done with those kind of low-lifes too. I want TRUE friends who WANT to see/hang out/sarge with me.

And lastly, probably the thing I want most:

5) Consistency of Emotional Stability - Or maybe, simply control of my emotions? Although that is a tall order indeed. Maybe I just want to be "chilling" or "focused" most of the time... I don't need to be like all WIRED and ENERGIZED, but damnit, at least can I feel like I can handle one more day, week, month of life? 'Cause right now I don't. In fact right now, I wouldn't mind, really almost WANT to not wake up tomorrow. Or ever. This is utter shite. I should be pumped about another day of life... in fact a SATURDAY. But now... I feel shit. But this morning I probably didn't. See? This roller coaster shit has to stop.
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Anyway, whoever this guy is living in this bubble of my body/mind/soul whatever you want to call. I'm saying bye. And a FUCK YOU VERY MUCH as well. It HASN'T been fun. All the good stuff has been because of the environments and circumstances. You've been a burden on me, and I'm done carrying you around. That goes for my childhood and family struggles as well. I'm starting anew. With someone else. Same government name. But someone else is here now. I'm going to bed.

We'll see how he does.

Sincerely, your old friend, 

Amorisey.

Now fuck off.
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Comments

#1
PUA Valmont

PUA Valmont

Member

Join Date: 03/30/2008 | Posts: 52

Very inspiring man!

Thanks
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#2
PATRICK

PATRICK

Respected Member

Join Date: 10/27/2007 | Posts: 528

mate the only advice i can give is that down the road, you will look back and smile at times like these for shaping you into something truly great.

low times make you.  really.  the events causing the shit times are insignificant (think 2 years from now)....but the strength you gain from pushing through is just ridiculous.  

peace.
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