This blog entry is about discipline or more accurately self-discipline
One of the most important and not very often mentioned aspects of this whole succes with girls thing is discipline.
Actually, this doesn't just apply to picking up girls it applies to success in everything in life.
Self discipline is sadly lacking a lot in modern life - we live in a quick fix society. People want results as fast as possible and with the least effort.
Not possible - real results only come from doing the work and doing it consistently. Which brings me back to self discipline
Without discipline success is unattainable
To succeed in sports - self-discipline. First person to training and when everyone else has gone home for the day you're still there practising techniques.
Success with learning a musical instrument - spending hours practising scales, techniques, improvising, sight reading, learning songs.
You can apply it to anything, I've just used the above examples because they serve the point I am trying to make.
Discipline and consistency go hand in hand:
In the gym - you don't want to go out tonight to the gym. You know you should but for whatever reason you aren't feeling it. Ok don't go. However, you might feel guilty about it afterwards.
You don't want to go out tonight? Fine - but if you start to feel unhappy at your lack of progress, you won't have far to look for the reason why.
If you don't have discipline, you won't stick to the process. You will never come close to achieving what you want.
Decided that I've been too outcome dependant:
Lowering my criteria for success:
I will count all nights/ days as successful as long as I have:
c)lasted my 2 minutes
if I last my 2 minutes then I will stay in for as long as I can and close even if its going badly.
What did I learn from Saturday night.
1) I reckon that sometimes I need to get blown out by what I perceive to be the most attractive girl in the bar I'm in. In front of her friends and other people. This happened to me the other night and I just remember thinking 'well that's probably the worst that is going to happen to me all night'
It sometimes feels like once I've screwed my ego over by getting blown out I'm liberated, unstifled or whatever.
2) Tried to implement the things I'd seen at the Hotseat. Retarded Waltz, Finger lock, Rocking.
Also seeing how the instructors were unphased by tests and bitchiness - I implemented this ...with varying degrees of success.
3) Sometimes you will fuck up in set. But sometimes you can rescue it. I did this once Saturday - fucked up and then rescued the interaction. I'm not quite sure how though lol!
Since the hotseat I have been pondering a couple of things. Some of these things occurred to me at the time and some a couple of days later.
What I liked about the Hotseat was that you saw the instructors fail or they came up against resistance and you saw how they overcome it. How they deal with the stuff girls throw at them throughout an interaction.
For example, how Jeffy dealt with the English girl in San Fran - he persisted. He had an answer for every test she gave him - he didn't get mad or all butthurt and shuffle off with his tail between his legs and his head down.
Same thing with Tyler and this fiery Latino woman. I liked the way he came up to another girl and he said 'that's right. I'm the next idiot' he countered or pre-empted the shit they gave him.
Women will more often than not be frosty towards you intially 'who the hell is this guy?'
They will throw tests at you constantly.
You have to emotionally disconnect from any of that shit.
It's not personal - easier to say than it is to do I know, but what's the point in getting angry and all pissed off about it.
She'll just laugh at you because she got to you -she sucked you into her little game and you played right into it. She got inside your head.
Likewise if you get all hurt by it and shuffle off with your head down - she'll think your pathetic.
The biggest lessons I learnt are:
1. I didn't see anything that I couldn't do. Again it's about permission to behave/act in a certain way. I don't mean that in an arrogant way. Having watched the footage all that separates me from them is experience and skill level.
Skill comes from consistent practise. Confidence comes from experience.
2. Like Ozzie said in his book. This whole thing is simple - not easy but simple. See girl, find her attractive, approach, talk, escalate, close.
3. The rejections - this is what this guy might do in this situation. This is how Alex deals with it when she does this. This is howe Jeffy would behave when she says this. This is how Tyler responds to this and so on.
Watching the footage I could think back to similar situations that I have encountered and think 'aah right! That's what I could have done that time when...'
Over the past weekend I realised that, whilst I have made progress since my bootcamp with Ozzie, there are still some things that I need to work on.
Ok so I'm going to be really honest: whilst I have been going out and approaching, I haven't been doing it consistently. Some weeks I've gone out but not done many approaches or I've ejected too early. Or stayed inset, but not tried to move things forward. Or haven't gone out to a club or I have gone out to a club but not approached.
Over the weekend it occurred to me that I haven't stuck as firmly to my committments as I did for like the first week or two after bootcamp.
I sort of had a mental conversation with myself about what is it I want. Why am I not going for it? what am i aiming for in the short term/long term. Why am I not challenging myself more or pushing things more?
Why am I not giving myself permission?
I got mad with myself - most guys would kill for the knowledge of how to do this. I should be cleaning up in a club not choding around, bitching out of approaches.
I've been taking action in a lot of areas in my life but not as much with game as I did previously.
I've also been reading Bruce Lee quotes as he inspires the heck out of me. I think alot of his quotes are applicable to self improvement.
So enough faggotry - its time to honour my committments
At first I thought maybe it's because I went hard at it for like the first two weeks. Literally did like 70-80 approaches in that first 2 weeks since bootcamp 20 of this was daygame. But I'm not burnt out - I don't feel burnt out.
A guy called Goran posted something that struck a chord with me the other day, about not having a clear direction or knowing what to do or what you're trying to achieve.
I've decided that I am going to start pushing things more. I owe it to myself. I don't want to be one of those fags that takes a bootcamp and then doesn't follow it up or does things half arsed. Otherwise what's the point in doing it why spend that time and money and go through all that shit if you don't stick to the plan.
I owe it to myself
Another thing I was thinking about, and maybe this sounds fucking gay or whatever but fuck how it sounds.
I want to feel like my instructor would be proud of me - I owe it to him after all the work he put in and help he gave me. I feel like I'd be insulting the guy if I didn't step the fuck up.
So enough faggottry, its time to make good on my committments.
A few months ago I decided that I needed to take action and make some changes.
Bootcamp made me realise that it’s up to me. No-one else can motivate you. Nobody can do it for you. You have to take it upon yourself.
I’m going to come right out and say that until then I had been sort of fumbling through life. Doing ok but not really living if you get me.
One evening I made a list of steps I needed to take:
Get a flat/apartment in the city where I work. The town I live in is pretty small –everyone knows each other and to be quite honest I hate it. Have you ever watched League of Gentleman? I’m not joking it really is a bit like that.
Keep going out and challenge myself.
Stop choding around on the internet or Xbox as much. Limit the time spent on them.
Get back in to the gym re-focus and get my weight back down to 80kg
Work out what I truly want for myself in life.
One of things I realised is a lot of the time having stuff (material things) doesn’t make me happy or when it does its short lived.
I realised that a lot of the time I’m happier doing things or having experiences.
Have been going out and doing some challenges. In the last 4 months I have approached more girls than probably in the past 4 years.
Set myself a limit each day of 30 minutes – 1 hour on computer/ Xbox maximum. I set a timer to limit the amount of time spent on the computer, Xbox not as easy. For the most part I have kept to this.
Gym – started going to a Kettlebells class in March as well as going to the gym. Lost 10 pounds in weight. Still got a bit of a way to get to 80Kg though. I’ve also made some changes to my diet, which, while not unhealthy could have been healthier. Cut down on alcohol. Instead of junk food for a snack I’ll have nuts or fruit. Cut down on Pepsi and have water instead sometimes green tea, which I hated but have now gotten used to.
I’m still looking for an apartment. I haven’t found what I want yet but I’m still looking and I’m confident that I’ll find what I want as long as I keep looking.
I’ve gone to some concerts and have been travelling around the UK a bit. Edinburgh, Newcastle, Leeds, Sheffield, Birmingham.
I’m glad I wasn’t in some of those places last week though.
I feel like I’m actually enjoying my life more now. Before I was ok, but I was just sort of coasting through life.
There have been ups and downs – like being told I might lose my job among other things, but there have also been amazing things.
I don’t really know why I feel the need to share this with anyone. I just feel more in control of my life and have more direction, rather than leaving it to chance.
I haven't been out practising in two weeks.
It isn't a case of not wanting to go, or being afraid. There have been other things that have taken priority over pick up practise. These might sound like excuses and perhaps they are.
The main thing is that I might not have a job in a few months. This is due to the British government screwing over the public sector. I work in the public sector but I'm not going to disclose what it is I actually do.
What is happening is that the total number of jobs where I work are being halved. So we're having to go through interviews and selection and all the fun that this brings.
Whilst all this is going on, my employers want everyone to function as normal.
Being a proactive fellow, I'm spending my time looking for other jobs and trying to be more frugal with my money. Bills to pay and all that and lets face it - the cost of living isn't going down.
I'm not sure how things are in the rest of the world (except maybe Greece and Ireland) but in England things are pretty bleak at the moment.
Whilst all this is going on I've been doing some serious thinking. I've been trying to extract some positive things from this.
I am lucky in that I haven't got that many responsibilities. I haven't got a mortgage or any financial obligations - other than rent to pay and food bills and my car.
I don't have kids or any dependants. I also have youth on my side (I'm still in my twenties and am hanging on to them as if my life depended on it) Most of the people I work with have a mortgage to pay bills, kids to feed and look after, and everything else. So I'm more fortunate than alot of them.
If I don't keep my job, I've decided that I will do some serious travelling. I've always wanted to go to Australia, and Canada so maybe that's what I'll do. I've also always liked the the thought of going on a road trip across America - partly from reading On the road by Jack Kerouac and partly because a female friend called Lauren did it and told me about it.
Anyway sorry for having a bit of a rant. This isn't intended to be all 'woe is me'. I just feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me and that my employers have betrayed me.
I know it isn't their fault - they've been told to make cuts to save money and this is what they have to do. But it doesn't mean I have to like it.
Whatever happens, which ever way the cards fall, I feel as if I can handle it.
In some ways it will be a relief if I don't have a job, as there's going to be the same amount of work or more, but less people to do it on the same or less money.
Anyway rant over. Going to listen to The Smiths. I find it helps at times like this.
So what have I learned in the past 2 months and 2 weeks since my London bootcamp?
I am enough - good looking enough, interesting enough, sexy enough, intelligent enough, funny enough etc.
There is a constant wrestling match going on in my head between me and my negative self. Negative self tells me 'don't do this. You suck' It throws all kinds of things at me to stop me from approaching.
Fear of approach is all in my head - you've already won by approaching. You're challenging your fear
90% of success is simply going out, turning up at a venue and approaching. Most guys can't even do that.
In order to get better and break out of your comfort zone, you have to do things that are uncomfortable/outside of your comfort zone.
Body language + Voice projection + vocal tone. This is a huge factor in determining success. Voice tells people how you feel about yourself. You draw attention to yourself by being loud. You have nothing to hide. You are asserting your masculinity/dominance. Good display of confidence. The same goes for body language - shows people how you feel about yourself.
Catastrophic thinking - 99% of the time the worst thing that happens is that girls will ignore you/walk away/blow you out/make an excuse to leave. The worst thing I have ever had happen so far is some guy telling me that a girl is spoken for. Once out of about 50 approaches. Not bad odds when you think about it.
Don't be afraid of making mistakes/failing/looking bad - be brave enough to experiment and look bad. No one is scoring you on your performance. There's no panel of judges holding up scorecards. You don't have to 'Put on a good show'.
You have to be prepared to go in where other guys wouldn't - talking to hb turbo, bitchy girls, mixed groups etc.
Keep going - no matter what resistance you come up against don't give up. You only fail if you stop trying anymore. You've come too far to stop now - like in the Matrix when Morpheus tells Neo ' if you could go back, would you really want to knowing what you know now?'
Once you start you must carry on - if not the fear will come back and you no longer improve.
Fear will always be there. The idea is not to eliminate fear, but to deal with it effectively and control it - harness the power it can give you.
Enjoy the ride:-- enjoy the learning process. By learning to enjoy the process, you will become less outcome focussed. Outcome dependancy is a killer of game and stops you actually having fun. Most people don't actually seem to be having fun. Its like 'ok must approach girl. Now. NOW GO APPROACH GIRL! Fun? FUN? WHAT IS FUN?