Acro21's Blog

Looking back upon last night in a different frame.

Last night I said "I'm different from every other guy you've ever met."

Was it necesary? No, that's what a man would show without having to say.  However what does it mean?

It means I have to keep my word.

I said I'm different from everyone else. That means I can't be the next anybody, I have to become the first ME. Something a lot of people have trouble doing.  To be authentically you at all times can be stressful, with the sometimes feeling of needing to impress people or anything.

Now how about this. Instead of trying to impress, how about I look and observe myself in those situations. If I remain myself, do what amuses me, and stick to my principals, I should impress myself!

I think this is something I should be looking at a little more closely, impressing yourself with what you can do. At the end of every night, I have to go to bed with myself, therefore I should always make sure I'm impressed or satisfied with my actions throughout that day, day by day.

So here I go, in order to be different from every other guy, I shall become myself, with no reserves. To become a man who keeps to his words and promises. Every goal I've set out to do is going to happen, and this one shall be no different!

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How did I attract her type AGAIN. Do I still put out that fucking vibe? Or is that me a core level? Either way, I went out for some pool and drinks with this cutie I met last weekend. We play pool and all of that, muck around. She's wearing a purple tank top, and it looks GORGEOUS on her. Just like me ex.  She's a model. Just like my ex. She has huge fights with her mom. Just like my ex. She has trouble trusting guys because every guy she's been with has broke her heart and pissed on it on the way out. JUST LIKE MY EX.

It's almost her again to a fucking tee. I can't belive this. Do I have to go through all the same bullshit that broke me last time?


Not this fucking time. I'm better, stronger, smarter than I used to be.  Like they say, leave her better than you found her. This time I will. I'll be the fucking man I told my ex I could be when I was begging for her to come back. I'm going to be the fucking man this time.  If this is the universe's way of saying, "Here's a second chance, show me what you're all about.", well it's fucking on. If you throw this shit in my face a second time, there's NO WAY I'm letting this one take control over me. No way, fuck that.

The fury I forgot I ever had is here. I'm determined.  Determined to fix her? Maybe. Outcome dependance? No. Goal oriented? YES. If I can do this one properly, regardless of the outcome, then, and only then do I have the right to talk to my ex again, to do the same thing I plan to do.

Am I saying I want my ex back? NOT A CHANCE. I want another shot at proving myself as the man I said I was. That's what matters to me.  So here I go. With this newfound fury, I WILL ATTAIN THINGS I FORGOT I HAD SET OUT FOR. I WILL LET NOTHING HOLD ME BACK. I WILL BREAKTHROUGH EVERY BARRIER THAT APPEARS. I WANT THIS.

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Damn I guess I was right to begin with, 8 posts.

Labeling things is stupid. There is no way to express things in words that isn't overly 'ego'. The mind cannot perceive nor 'get' reality, thus labeling anything at all separates us further and further from the truth. Saying you're having fun doesn't mean anything. What is fun? A made of definition of your little secluded version of reality. An attempt to constrain and label what 'is'. That which needs no name, for a name cannot do it justice. If I were to ask you to describe fun, how would you? If I were to ask you the same question while having 'fun', would you not say, this? There is no describing something that needs or has no name, by naming it you reduce it to a smaller sense of what it is. If you leave it unnamed, it's free to become what it is, fully and truly, with no restrictive barriers from the mind. Words are paper thin, no true depth to them. Silence holds the depth we seek, the silence and acceptance to what is allows us to see the moment as a whole.
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A interesting thought. Do we always say, I'm this or that? Associating our identity, our sense of who we are, with an emotion? Do we mean that at that moment if our lives, we WERE that emotion, not ourselves FEELING an emotion? Many people are ruled or live by their emotions, so this could be true. I'm sure I have been the same way for a very long time, living as emotions instead of myself, feeling emotions.

As a side note, having proper rest is so vital. I never knew how much of a difference it makes. If you are tired all day, or all your life, you live each day simply enough to make it back to bed. Not too exciting. If you have that proper rest, we are actually emitting energy, higher happiness and content, with a willing attitude to go out and live. Rule number one will always be on my list of rules, and stay as number one.

Obviously everyone feels like they have a lot more value when they are drunk, therefore talking more. I need to be a bit more quiet. It's not a bad thing, I'm offering a TON of value. It's all about perceived realities though, theres so many things they don't understand due to that, therefore not caring.

That part doesn't matter to me, offering value is great, at the RIGHT moment. It's a party! We go out, have fun, be social! Not attempting to be serious conversations. Lie I said however, being conscious of this all, its all things I work on.

I can touch on Caley as well. Shes really cute. Looking in hindsight, either she doesn't feel that, or doesn't feel that she has much value. I was POURING out value when I was talking to her, yet I talked too much. Made her feel like she didn't have the same quantity or quality to contribute with, so for the most part she didn't. Instances like that require less talking, more accepting. I'm CERTAIN she would have opened up if I talked less, admired more. Feeling that vibe of acceptance always opens people up, which would have brought her main actor out onto the stage, and an even more beautiful duet could have begun.

Now here we are on the ferry, being lovestruck by honeys left right and centre. I smile at them, some smile back. Still not waving though. I realize I'm enjoying and admiring a lot of the simple things in life, things I would not have noticed before, such as a child, so innocent and pure, or the birth mark on at blonde cutie, which I'm sure she worries about all the time. Sorry honey, if we had our duet, you would find out that's what kept my attention on you, that you should wear it with pride. I really hope you do, its so cute. I notice people laughing, children being excited, people in general enjoying their life, in the meow. :)
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A brief thought process I had in the shower. It's bout what Eckhart and tyler were saying about the 'ego'. Dont associate yourself with it, but accept it when it is there. Don't be reactive to 'ego' is what I think I'm trying to get to. When thoughts chain off and off into that never ending stream, that is reacting to the ego.

In the shower i decided to accept the thoughts 'ego' was producing, but just accept them, no thought on them, no reactivity to it. Exactly like how was listening to the blueprint last night. Things got a lot less busy shortly after. This felt really good. I also feel that thinking is not bad, so long as 'core' is thinking. 'ego' is even alright sometimes, so long as it isnt projecting itself somewhere else other than Now for an inflation in itself.

My thought was, thinking isn't so bad, if directed with good purpose, and not always. I think i had something else to throw in as well, I cannot remember.

MY buddies friend kendra was really cute, like I expected. Kendras and sarahs, they love strike me both. I wasn't gaming, instead having a nice conversation and having 'core' flow through. I found it well. There was a slight pause after I introduced myself, then extended my hand. Before, 'ego' definitely would have felt awkward in that pause, 'core' felt no change, which us great! There's nothing else much in that, aside from the fact that I joke around a lot more, even with cuties. Feels pleasant.

I've started to dislike using objectifying words like "good, bad, shitty, unfortunate, great". It feels like I'm judging someone from my standpoint, which I'm not really into. It's their life, judging it does nothing for either of us. Maybe it does for 'ego', not 'core'. I'm not taking much too seriously, instead I'm keeping 'core' the main actor in my play, and bring people I would like to have I'm my story into it. Its fun for me, and fun for them, all is well :) perhaps we even branch away and make our own story for a while, or perhaps the night!
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Now it's time for my thoughts and other stuff throughout the day. First of all, I'm going to start waving to cuties I see. Tis is a small step towards being physical. Start with the smile, if they make eye contact, wave. Smple as that. Just thinking about it 'ego' is alright wanting to object this, but 'core' shall press on. I would love to start opening girls anywhere, this has a solid foundation to prepare for that.

Like I was saying the other night about not riding the glory of the night before, I'm going to write in here more often, daily even. This allows me to document my days, with my successes, and perhaps blow outs. By doing this I free myself from the egoic thinking and needed those moments in my conscious.

As jeffy said, I'm not present, I am back at the club, making out with zoe on the dance floor, or getting that message from those girls, or whatever. If I forget that I have done something before, and WILL do it again, I can come back here to review it.

This way I can focus on the present moment. Success is good, failure of the idealized outcome is good for learning, so all is 'good', but for progress to be made, I stay present, and reflect only when necessary for a purpose which might occur, or grab further value from it LATER.
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Listening to blueprint and flawless natural along this trip has been amazing for me. So much has come to light, the last two nights are SOLID evidence of this. Brought me to another thought pattern. When you have a killer night, great. Don't live off the coattails of it the next day though. What? Yupp. Like what Tyler said, it's a REFERENCE experience.

In the shower, 'ego' was bored because nothing interesting was happening in the shower, so where did he go? Back to the nightclub last night, hooking up on the dance floor. This was good to remember and get stoked on, but its really just the ego looking for that emotional spike. 'core' looks at it as, yes last night WAS indeed successful in many ways, but that was yesterday. Now we are here, in the now.

'Core' sees the night as a reference experience, meaning he doesn't dwell on it, but can recall it. When I go out tonight I can say "I've done it before, I'm doing it again." 'ego' is like noooooo! Place it safe bro! It might hurt me! 'Core' goes fuck you, bro. This has happened before, therefore it is happen again. Also, I am indifferent to the outcome. Why? I'm the main actor in my play, this is my story.

So there we go, reference experiences, not reliving old glories. See you tonight!

the claw always wins! The claw always wins!
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Its us again! Today was so much fun, more importantly I wanted to touch on something I felt inside me during the shower. That's the 'core' me, and my 'ego'. Recognizing my core self last night was golden, it helped me realize that aspect of me feels NO change if things were to go opposite to the way my EGO wanted it to go. That made me think, there is predominately two "me's" occupying my mind. 90%ish of the time it is my ego, and he other 10ish is the core me. My ego loves to go on an emotional roller coaster ride, up and down, back and forth through time, everything. It hates 'core' mind, because he is totally contempt with Now, and everything else happening around him. He doesn't take life too seriously, almost as if our lives are a show. The earth and our reality is our stage, and we are e actors. In turn, he views it like so, an amusing play. When 'core' is the main actor, things happen around him, he jams to the beat of his own theme so to speak. People will come in and out of his play/story, but he is always the main character. 'Ego' is quite different. Ego doesn't accept the stage, so he starts dreaming and thinking of stages he'd rather be in. When he does this, he stops being the main actor in his own play, he let's people dictate the story of us life, instead of him. He secretly enjoys this. This is creating different scenarios which are giving him those ups and downs he loves, and he believes it's easier than being the main actor, because you just go with what flows. He also gets worried when he's in control, and 'core' wants to take over. He gets worried that he's going to get hurt, blah blah blah. 'core' however, is getting more stage time, and isn't taking 'ego' to seriously, he just repeats and reap eats and repeats till the ego is too scared and packs 'er in, letting 'core' control the play again. What am I getting at? Life is a grand show, and I am the main actor, when I choose to be. Don't let 'ego' interfere, and don't take him too seriously. Be aware when he is running the show, and make sure to awaken the 'core' and get him front and centre. He deserves it.
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I realize I have way more than 8 blog posts to share, so I'll say many instead.

This was the most important conscious realization of the entire trip. This changed everything.

Something so important, perhaps I never noticed it. The feeling I have in snow, is presence. The outcome dependence, is non existent. I'm loving life, and nothing will change that, anything I do is for the pure self amusement of it. Which I think I understand now. Self amusement isn't making yourself laugh or something, it can be. It's doing what you want to, because, you want to. Not what your ego wants to, but what then PRESENT you wants to. The you that is there, acceptant of the moment, that has no ego to be hurt or boasted, just experiences to be had, be it 'good' or 'bad'. I think this has always been something I'm good at, at a very level energy level, but its the most basic level, which is the most important. So perhaps I can build on this thought, help it to expand and grow, to make it part of my everyday conscious. For now, I shall sleep, to be ready for the day ahead. :)
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Hey all.

I'm back from my 8 day vacation, it was the best thing I've ever done. I'll be posting the FR's in my FR thread, and each day gets its' own blog update. This means there we be roughly 8 updates happening right away here. I'll start off right here. (These are all straight copy-pastes from my journal I kept on my Ipad.)

It's elegant, beautiful, awe inspiring. It's everything I dreamed and hoped for, and better. I had a solid 4.5 hours of riding today that totally spent me, it was so much fun. I started spinning off the smaller jumps on both parks, like they say, it's good to start small on this stuff. Tomorrow I aim to bring it even higher. I was much more conscious of the moment snowboarding than I usually was, if I wasn't then I'm realizing it now, which is better than not at all. Met a nice girl on the chairlift today, we talked and talked, but when it came time to ride, I should have offered to do some laps with her. Sorry cutie, I don't think I was nervous to ask you, just uncertain if I wanted to snowboard or game. Riding with you could have been a blast, and gone further from there, if I wasn't a snowboarder to the very core. Determined to learn. Damn I love it out here. I was so tired upon arrival at my friends' I just went straight to bed. Such a great life. Best part? I get to do it all over again tomorrow. I'm going to move here. I don't care abut anything else. Next winter I'm moving here. I'm more than content here. It's what I want. It's what WE want. The snow, falling so heavily, yet so soft, makes no noise as it touches down from the heavens above. The street lamps softly faded, like out of an old movie. The voices of drunk youth cut through the night to remind you of the outside life, even though I could be the only person alive, and I wouldn't be trifled in the slightest way. The way it falls, with no bias, like a statement, pure and wholesome. It is what I am aspiring to be, totally present in being, unmoved by anything around me, peaceful, yet strong. Snow, I love you.

~Present Acro <3
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