Just got back from the mall. All angry and super emotional, angry at myself, angry at the world, I don't know where my anger is directed really, but I want to kick something, want to scream and bang my head against the wall. This is fucking frustrating. This motherfucker, I failed to approach, not a single girl.
One girl was eating me alive with her eyes, smiling, turned back to look at me, I went to the fucking toilet. I searched for her when I took a piss. Way to go. Like a sucker.
Lots of cuties, I didn't talk to anyone. This sucks. Plain and honest, I suck. I want to kill myself and cry. Well not really, I don't really. I want to live. But fuck it, I don't know what to do with myself. Whenever I see an attractive girl I want to approach, I go into my head and don't know what to do. Wrong, I know wehat to do, but I don't do it, I look for reasons not to do it. I don't trust myself and don't follow my natural instinct.
That is wrong. This shit is important. I have to handle this. It's hard, after crying and beating myself I calmed down, but it's still hard. Especially for a spoiled brat like me. This is ridiculous.
I learn nothing. Sucker shit.
With a cold nose, headache and aching muscles, I feel like ass today. What's interesting, I've forgotten all of that while "in field". I felt good, self-conscious but good. Have to push it.
Wipe your tears and blow your nose motherfucker. Get yourself together.
After a week of zero attempted cold approaches, this morning I approached a girl. In cold snow (blood). 100% cold.
I was walking a dog in the neighbourhood. So it was a dog approach, let's call it doggy style. There are not that many people outside in the morning in the suburbs where I live, so I was already losing hope when I noticed a female. I stopped and waited, while my dog took a nice shit in the bushes.
Too ugly. Nah, not gonna do it. I'm not rationalizing here, she was way below golden average standard (GAS), in her forties and a fat ass. I'll better be miserable and lonely, fuck this.
I was about to cry, but I noticed another female far ahead. Hmm, this one seems legit. She's walking in my direction, so I start walking in her direction. Some fat bloke is walking behind me. I get a little anxiety in my stomach, you know, "the butterflies". But I have to do this, I focus on my breathing, trying to breathe as deeply and calmly as I can. Cool, "Hi there!"
She stops immediately and greets me, looks at the dog, looks at me and smiles. I ask her name, she says her name, then I introduce myself and shake hands. I say nothing more, silence's on her, "What a beautiful dog", she says. Friendly girl, GASy too. Doesn't have a hot body, but pretty cute and has big beautiful eyes. Don't remember the color though. But at least I remember her name.
We chat a little, like two shy teenagers, she says she has a dog too, some-strange-longname-terrier, I ask where she's going, bla bla, she asks me if I live here, do I walk here often. So she's interested, but I still was feeling a little nervous. Not too much though, I didn't overtalk, like I do when I'm really nervous. She was the one to break the tension, said she has to go catch a bus. I didn't try to stop her, so we parted and went in opposite directions.
I didn't ask for her number, because I didn't really want to see her again to be honest, she was alright, fuckable but I don't want to go through the texting and meeting up for a date bullshit with this girl. However, I should have asked for number just for the sake of drill.
Like Tyler says, guys learning the game are the only ones in the world who want to be liked by the girl they don't like. That's okay, I got my validation. I'm happy and proud to have made a cold approach in a cold street. It feels good :)
Mental note for next time, remember the eyes color.
When you start focusing on yourself, trying to become better at the game, it opens a big can of worms, flaws previously ignored, now they float to the surface, right in your face. You could keep ignoring them, leave them to be, hidden in some secret coffret forever. And you could lead a normal and decent life.
You can easily choose to ignore things that make you uncomfortable. And that is way more easy than this shit, that we're doing here. We here defy the standards of normal society. This is hard, it's a lot like trying to swim up the stream.
Once you know there's an alternative path in life, you start to see things differently. You can't ignore reality anymore, well, you can for a while but it pulls you back in eventually. Any attempts to try and run away are futile.
You can't bend the reality, you can only bend your mind. However you like or let.
Uhh, what a satisfying mental-fucking-bation.
I don't want to bend her mind, I just want to bend her.
How do you sneak away to go out alone when you live together with your girlfriend, soon to be ex, already ex, whatever? Pretty easily, I guess, especially when she's lying sick with cold nose in a bed. I could have totally done it, just say I want to go out to meet my friends or something and probably she wouldn't even try to stop me or get upset or anything.
Buuuut, I used her as an excuse not to go out at all and stayed at home to play poker online. Very smooth, dude, very smooth. In reality I was just feeling uncertain of what would happen out there and felt so comfortable and warm sitting home.
So the only "in field" time I had was when I was walking a dog around the neighbourhood, and there were a few targets to work with, actually. However, one was "too old", other was "not cute enough" and another was "across the street and walking too fast". 'nuff said.
Another interesting thing I noticed in myself why I failed to approach is that I don't make a clear decision in my head that I'm going to approach a girl, I refuse to make that decision, it's like I'm not willing to burn that bridge. I leave myself a way to back off and save my self-image and keep my ego pretty much undisturbed.
I leave myself an easy way out and then I can rationalize on whatever bullshit reasons after, I didn't really want it, there were too many people, wrong circumstances, girl was too young, too old, too ugly, too hot and everything else in between.
If the circumstances are comfortable and the girl fits that "golden average standard" (not too hot, not too ugly, not on phone, alone, etc.) then I might approach but if not then I might not [approach].
I guess it is unconscious defense mechanism to preserve my self image in my own eyes.
It goes like this: I see girl and I ASK my mind "are we gonna do it?" and of course the answer is "no" because it knows I'm not used to do it, it is not "normal" behaviour to me and it can come up with a million different reasons why not to do it. Instead I should COMMAND my mind and state "we are doing it, get ready and quick!".
It comes down to who's in control at the moment - your conscious self or your unconscious self. If I you don't have a unconscious habit to approach girls, it gonna say no and pass on the opportunity. So you have to stay conscious and make a conscious decision to go for it.
I don't know if this makes any sense. Also it's easier said than done, of course.
I was at the mall yesterday. With a purpose of approaching some random ass girl. Right after the intense strength workout at the gym, one has to keep his 6pac in tact yo!
There were a lot of people in the mall, four or five really cute girls I really wanted to approach. But I failed. Serious anxiety took me over and I just didn't do shit, after twenty minutes in the mall it got really painful and I went home. So much for going out. That is my current level, I can't even get my ballz up to approach some random girl in a shopping mall.
Reality check. My worst hasn't got any better.
Quick evaluation: I suck shit at this. All rationalizations aside, I'm just like any other chode, caring too much.
Analyze, why didn't I approach? I know I'm good enough, on the level with cute girls, so why. Like, if someone would introduce us, any of those girls I failed to cold approach, I could kill the opportunity. I am a chill guy and gals usually dig me, cute girls dig me. You know, I have a face that people trust and positive attitude in general but I lack balls to cold approach.
Reasons are simple, I get in my head and care too much, one girl I was going to approach when I suddenly noticed couple of guys looking at her too and my RAS got filled with them and what they'd think. Another girl, she was so fine she just struck me and my mind went blank, thus I missed initial opportunity, but I still saw her in the shop looking at merchandise and wanted to go for her, when my mind came up with 'it'll look creepy, I'll look like a stalker to her'. Brilliant. Another girl I passed, again too many people in my mind were around. I care not as much about what the target girl will think, but what chodes around will think. How pathetic is that.
It's so embarassing for me just to write about this, I feel like some fucking sissy boy. But I promised to be as honest as I can here.
Those girls I wanted to approach but didn't, they haunted me for the rest of the day. I couldn't forget them. I still can't forget the girl I decided not to creep out, I think she would have loved me. But I'll never know. Instead I got drunk on wine with my (ex?)girlfriend in the evening, and received a blowjob in jacuzzi while still being haunted by the bitches I failed to approach. That, friends, is really really fucked up.
What can I say, it is working, this little blog thing, it got me to do an approach!
With temperature being -16'C outside I approached a girl on the street, you got to give me some props, 'cause I almost froze my balls to death searching for one!
I went for a walk in my 37k habitants hometown, in winter, in the snow, all alone. I do something physical every day, but yesterday I wanted to mix it up with something social, so I went for a walk. I could count on my fingers how many other people I saw outside, walking beside me, irrelevant however.
On the way back home, I spotted a girl standing near the grocery store in front of a market. At first I thought, prostitute! but then I thought that it is unlikely in my hometown at 2p.m. in the afternoon. So I stared her down, strong eye contact, she responded, couldn't get her eyes off mine, but she was talking on the phone, so I just winked at her, smiled and went into the grocery store. She's cute too, definetely not a prostitute. Also taller than me, oh how intimidating.
I walked a circle of doom around the grocery store and went outside. She's still on the phone, her back to me. Unspotted I go into the empty market, go for about one hundred meters than turn around and go back to her. She's not on the phone anymore. I pass her by and say 'hi' from a distance. 'What are you waiting here for?' she says 'hi' back to me and says that she's waiting for her friends. Cool, I can wait with her. I come closer and start a conversation. General stuff, what she's doing tonite etc., talking slowly, with pauses and keeping the tension on her. She's very responsive, so we exchange numbers and agree to a meet in the evening, she even calls her phone from my cell, I'm surprised how into me is this girl. I thought I came across as a rusty midget in the snow. Wrong, I am cool pimp in the ice. (well, not exactly but ...)
After couple of minutes I hug her and leave her. I get a rush of blood into my dick from hugging, that's how you know a girl is hot. Remember it's damn cold outside. As I walk away and turn around to look I see that her friends just arrived to pick her up. Nice timing.
However, that turns out to be a fake, she's willing to text me but not willing to meet me when the evening comes. Getting all weird too, saying she doesn't have a place to live from tomorrow, no money and other problems. What. The. Fuck. Is she trying to punk me or what, I don't really know. Fucken drama, I need NONE of that shit in my life right now. I wished her good luck, thinking that's the end of it.
This morning, however, she texts me again. Asking for money. Fucking whore. That was my first cold approach in five months, first street cold approach in years, this was supposed to be beautiful, and that ruined everything, now I hate it.
I don't really care, that was fun. I just hope she won't ask for my money again.
I am 24 yrs old male, I've been around with 8 girls (yeah bro, I counted just now!). Including my current girlfriend, we've been together for 4 years. 4 fucking years. I don't know what I was thinking, I don't know what I am thinking now. There hasn't been a year I haven't tried to run away from her. Last week I broke up with her, and we are still living together in her parents' house!
My life is pretty fucked up. Ain't got no bitches, ain't got no money, ain't got no job, ain't got no car, ain't got no college degree, ain't got no real skill in life really. Pretty miserable. I've been asleep for a very long time, so long I don't know if I will wake up again. Of course I've got plenty of things I am grateful for in my life too, and in general I am a happy person, probably I am the most positive person I personally know. Just too satisfied and too lazy.
I have that curse of a seed in my mind thinking "I'm special and things will happen anyway", which tends to be so popular nowadays. It is like a mental cancer, which I'm gradually getting rid of but it's still there, the fucker. I'm soft whiny-ass cry baby and I hate myself for that.
I've been in this game thing for more than five years now, ever since the spring of 2006, when I first stumbled upon David and downloaded his ebook. It changed my perspective on life forever. I even landed my first girlfriend ever that spring. I was still in high school and she was my classmate. She had another boyfriend too. He lived in another town and she cheated him with me. She was pretty hot and smart, she also used drugs, but it was all good, I felt as cool as never before. However I was too chode to properly fuck her anyway. I was afraid. The fear would freeze me up and when you're frozen, you can't get your dick hard. That was really embarassing.
I blew quite a few girls away because of that problem until I finally got over it and became comfortable enough in my own skin to offer girls a hard dick. That shit is embarassing. My score number too, could be bigger if I were more dick friendly myself. But I got over it, all is fine, I carry out erection all the time now.
In year 2007 I took a weekend workshop. Not with RSD though, it was another company, but it was quite good, they preached natural game too. I practiced routine based canny game for some nine months(after reading The Game and studying the archives of all those notorious characters in the book) but haven't got ANY success (except some flaky phone numbers) with it. So natural game really liberated me and then was the time that my life got better for realz. I scored a couple of girls, I even pulled a drunk girl from a night club to the hotel during the workshop! The instructor said I'm gonna be the shit, "deadly" dangerous in a couple of years.
What he didn't know though, that I was a dabbler, soft lazy-ass bitch. So, sure enough, when I started dating my current girlfriend and we really hit it off, I stopped approaching other girls. I got emotionally addicted to that one girl. And she was a fine girl, beautiful ass, cute, funny, feminine and I just loved her energy. But that wasn't why I did this whole game pick up thing, I still didn't have this area of my life handled so it also was an easy way out to feel good and content about myself. I am naturally introverted person, so I enjoyed staying at home with his girl and just having sex in a bed and then going to sleep.
Tyler, where was your video Crawling Out of Neediness When You're First Dating back then, huh???
(just kidding, I can only blame my own weak ass)
Needless to say my progress stopped and now, four years later I'm at the same level I was back then. Interesting thing, how people get used to the comfort and just fall asleep, pretending everything is fine. Yeah, sure my inner game got better and all that shit. And I also jerked off to herds of different girls on the internet. Good stuff. I've even got a couple of one night stands here and there, when I was out of country. Cheating. At the same time, using my girlfriend as an excuse not to approach other girls even if I really wanted to. Playing games with myself. Like a little without integrity.
So here I am, all sad with an underdeveloped self. Trying to convince myself that it's never to late to start heading the right direction. Crying for attention and a hard kick in the ass.