Here you are standing on your first date with her. You did your little research on what questions you should ask her and what topics to talk about, so you feel prepared. In your mind you reassure yourself that you know how to keep the conversation going, yet you feel a shadow of nervousness behind you.
As you say your memorized questions and you talk about all the things you think you should be talking about, you see her getting bored more and more. She may be smiling politely, but there is no spark in her eyes.
In the end of the night you’re thinking: “I wonder if I will see her again... She definitely should want to see me… After all, we talked about all those topics I read about on that website… I didn’t let the conversation die and I made everything I could to make it interesting for her.”
All she’s thinking is “Nope, I’m not seeing this guy again!”. She’s probably not even thinking it. She’s feeling it and she makes an unconscious decision about it.
The difference between content and the emotions behind it
You see, if you say things only because you read them somewhere or because you think she will like them, that’s not really you. You think you’re doing the right thing, but she sees that you’re putting on a mask. This will not work, even if the things you say are objectively interesting or impressing.
As guys, we are more logical than the girls. We think that the words are the important part of the communication. That’s why conversations between men are very linear, but if you listen to the conversations between women, you will notice they are all over the place.
The vibe of the interaction beneath the words is the key, not the words themselves. You can talk about literally everything, as long as you FEEL it’s amusing or you’re expressing yourself freely. The moment you try to impress her with your words is the moment you start killing the vibe.
How does this happen? When you try to make her like you or you try to establish a connection with her, you start managing yourself. As a direct consequence, you lose your natural ability to express emotions. You think you’re doing a good job, but for your date, you’re being fake and as interesting as watching your hair grow.
If the vibe is what’s important, how do we make it better? Imagine one of your best friends invites you to drink beer with him. You’ve known him for what it seems like forever. I bet you won’t think what you’ll say before you see his. You will let the conversation go in whatever direction it may.
You would want to think in the same context when you’re on a first date with a girl. You don’t worry about impressing her, you don’t worry about keeping the conversation going. All you aim to do is express yourself and have fun.
If you ask yourself “But how exactly do I express myself in an attractive manner? How exactly should I have fun?”, you need to realize that you already know how to do it. The less perfect and “trying” you are, the better.
Here’s a cool video on that topic:
Still, what should I talk about and what should I ask her
Remember that you always have unlimited amount of things to say. Why? If you’re 20 years old, this means you have 20 years worth of experiences on this planet. Your mind is an endless source of content. The content is there, but sometimes you get in your own way by trying to filter it.
The challenge is not finding the best conversational topics. The challenge is to let yourself express whatever comes to your head. That way, you will be more authentic and way more stimulating for her.
More specifically, you can express yourself by telling stories, showing your unique sense of humor, commenting the environment, teasing her about anything she does or says, complimenting her… and anything else you can think of. When you really get the mindset of letting yourself loose instead of managing the impression you make, words will flow out of you like a wild river without even trying. And she will love it.
When it comes to asking, don’t memorize different eloquent questions. She will know it’s not you. Ask her whatever you really want to know about her. For example if you like girls that do sports, ask her about that. Don’t ask her what sign she is only because you think chicks like this stuff.
Here’s what you need to remember
Don’t focus on the content of the conversation. Focus on the vibe. Make it fun for you, and she will enjoy it as well!
Post your comments and opinions and I will be happy to reply.
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